Yes that was me
Filed Under (Walmart and the brown shirts) by Monkee on 16-07-2008
Why do I keep going there? I loath Walmart. I loath the people there and most of all I loath myself for stepping foot into that backwoods carnival. Yet I go, I try to go at 1 or 2 in the morning. Not that don’t want to be seen there just that the orcs and assorted Nair-do-wells are huddled in a RV doing meth and singing Sweet Home Alabama.
Dear reader if I haven’t mentioned it before I would like to state for the record that I have a very strange phobia about Walmart. I cant be in there longer than 10 min’s or I freak out. Ask anyone that has gone with me and they will tell you I have a Darwinian shot clock. I guess that the melange of inbreeding and the lack of teeth or footwear just spooks me and 10 min’s is my hair trigger. No matter what I’m doing, at the 10 min mark I just walk. Yet again I digress.
So I am shopping for my useless goods and it hits, I need to tinkle. Lets just say that I have a very industrious bladder and when I have to go I really have to go. So I’m in Walmarts door-less bathroom, I say door-less not to give the impression that I’m peeing in view of everyone its just that the configuration of the entrance is like a corn maze. You have to walk around a few corners and such. As restrooms go its pretty nice, clean and spacious. Modern looking with subway tiles all over. So I’m at the urinal doing my thing when I fart. Not your normal fart. The kind that makes you look behind you to see if there are any casualties. Like when you fire a sam missile and you are worried about the backwash of stage 1 ignition. Well as a well-versed bathroom farter I spun my head in search of someone to blame this on. This is a technique I developed years ago and it has served me well. You fart then let someone else exit the bathroom before you thereby taking the brunt of the scorn. I forgot, it is 1 am and there is nobody.
Now this was no ordinary flatus. It wasn’t the most violent one that I have laid down but definitely in the top 10. What made it worse was the fact that someone decided to model the acoustics in there after the Sistine Chapel. After I got past the initial fear(yes my own farts scare me, they remind me of the evil spirits leaving the Ark in Indian Jones). I thought that it might be ok as the din of all the Hee-Hawwers coming through line might hide the blast. Then I remembered the hour and as I exited my gaze was met with 3 employees looking at me with disgust. I was embarrassed and scurried for something to say, preferable something monosyllabic so that they might understand better.
I just told them that somebody might want to check on “that guy in there†and made hast for the door.
My 10 minutes had just elapsed.
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Man, I laugh like a 5 year old whenever I read your posts about farts. It sucks when I’m cracking up at work and my coworkers ask me what’s so funny. It’s kind of awkward telling 2 females that you’re laughing at some random guy’s blog about farting.
I never cease to be amaized at how funny guys think farts are. It never stops being funny and sorry ladies that it makes us look like monkies.
This post made me laugh out loud.
I have similar problems with Walmart - and I absolutley will not use the restroom in a public place.
For some reason, the Walmart near me has a much higher ratio of pickup trucks in the parking lot to people in the store, and no matter what time we go, we always end up in the checkout line behind a guy buying one case of beer, one fishing pole, and a box of shotgun shells. 8am, 10pm, 2:30 in the morning… Always.
At that time I lived in a small town and there was no other choice but Walmart.
Ah ok, you were in a small town at the time, I always wonder when you post certain things. Since I know you’re a fellow Phoenix blogger, I always thought your redneck jokes seemed a little off lol. But you can never go wrong with a fart story, NEVER!
I miss the small town but not the shallow gene pool therein.
Cool dude!I also loath Walmart and have only been once, that was enough. strange people go to this place. Its a shame you only had one fart, try prunes and grape-juice the combination makes people’s facial skin color change when they smell it. I saved this one for the back of a police car, strange how they dropped me home instead of taking me in? Take care my friend, i look forward to your next post! Regards from smelly-bum.
I too am anti-Walamrt and all they stand for. I do not shop there and just about have my wife convinced that Walmart is just plain bad.
haha… that is one funny story. But seriously do walmarts open at 1am? wow!
LMAO~ I simply loved it!!! Now listen I am a women but I also think fart story’s are hiliarious at times and yes believe it or not I even fart myself, I know you all thought girls never did that kind of thing but you learn something new everyday:) For the record wal-mart does suck, just like RainMan thinks K-mart sucks:)
I’m pretty sure most of the Walmart employees were laughing and sneering at you because they realized the power of your beef - I think they were laughs of jealousy, clearly!
I agree, my beef is strong