Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

My back was killing me. I had just moved into my new house and all the lifting really tweaked my back. I’m not sure why, I was keeping my legs locked and lifting with my groin as I was taught. I took a hand full painkillers and still could not sleep, I needed a heat pad. I was not feeling pain but I knew I had to fix my back or I would pay for it in the morning. Looks like I was to head to Walmart as it was 4 am.

Walmart at its best is a nightmare, the shallow end of the gene pool laid bare for all to see. At it’s worst its akin to a Fellini movie starring the cast of Deliverance. As I walked in I was accosted by some twenty-something stoners driving the Walmart scooters in circles. The scooters are for the elderly and disabled. Cheech and Chong over here seemed to think that the carts were meant for them and not the elderly lady walking in the door. After a few moments of this lady waiting for the stoners to get up and offer her a cart she started to hobble into the store. I saw this and as I had already reached my limit of rudeness and bullshit for the day took action.

I walked over and yelled “Hey, jackball. Get of the cart”. His reply was that there were other carts available and then he questioned my parentage. I tend to act rashly at times and my tolerance for jackassery is very low, so I leaned back a bit, raised my knee to waist height and loosed a vicious snap kick to the scooter seat. The desired effect was realized as the hippie went flying. His buddy got of his scooter and I walked the scooter over to lady. She said she was fine and I insisted that she use the scooter that she obviously needed. She thanked me and I wished a good day.

The moral of my story should be obvious by now, I am a complete tool with poor impulse control. That and I think I’m a superhero. A Walmart Superhero!

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