I am not what one would call a gourmet. Not a gastronomical engineer nor a culinary specialist. My meals are usually ordered through a clowns head of some sort then delivered by a person who's lack of hygiene is only rivaled by their apathy.

The toaster, home-made tarter sauce and things that I have learned today

Filed Under (What fresh hell is this) by Monkee on 31-05-2008

I am not what one would call a gourmet. Not a gastronomical engineer nor a culinary specialist. My meals are usually ordered through a clowns head of some sort then delivered by a person who’s lack of hygiene is only rivaled by their apathy. But I digress.

I decide that I need to learn hot to cook bake or at the very least make food hot in preparation for consumption. To that end I hit the grocery store and searched for a home made meal that wouldn’t tax my limited skills. I settled on fish sticks and coleslaw, best not to set the bar too high.

I got the fish sticks home and remebered that I needed tartar sauce. Whats in that anyway? Just mayo and pickles and some other stuff, I can make that. I took the sticks out and read the directions on the box, heat in oven for bla bla bla. I was already bored and thought that the crux of cooking was just applying heat. Who cares where it comes from, right? That when I saw it, the toaster. It works for pop tarts why not this application. Why hasn’t this been done before, why not this method on the box. I think the fish people have a deal with the oven people. But I digress, twice now.

Now onto the tarter sauce. A little mayo, a bit of relish and what else? I know it needs something else. How bout those horsey sauce packets I got from Arby’s? Something else, something crunchy. Baco bits! I love bacon, I love mayo.

Now that I have the sauce time to put the sticks in the toaster, I can get half of a box in here.

Without boring you I will tell you of my findings.

1. The sauce was disgusting, although crunchy.

2. The tensile strength of fish sticks when place upright is greatly degraded. After 3 minutes the oils in the fish turn the coating into little balls and the integrity of the whole stick is compromised.

3. When the sticks are cooked into a toaster said toaster is never the same and will always reek of hot fish oil.

4. When the toaster ejects the finished sticks all that emerges are thousands of tiny hot and oily crumbs. Its like a ticker tape parade but with steaming fish balls.

After I cleaned up the mess the next words to come out of my mouth were ” ya I’d like a #3 combo, can you super size that for me”.