Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

I don’t know what came over me. We all have those silly thoughts that run through our heads sometimes but we dare not say them out loud and I think somehow, last night, the wires got a little crossed. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior, which I can assure you  was a complete anomaly and will never happen again.

In case you forgot

You handed the cashier lady a coupon for something or other and she replied back to you, “this is expired.” You seemed a bit flustered. Perhaps it was the slightly rude way in which the check-out lady said it. Perhaps you are a bit obsessive compulsive. But I assure you  it was quite an honest mistake.

Why I would then proceed to yell “Oh! In your face!” is beyond me.

I thought it in my head  joking with myself as I’m often apt to do. But the synapses just weren’t firing correctly or something. It was instinct in it’s purest form.

Believe me  I was just as embarrassed as you and the check-out lady. Perhaps even more so.  Were it not for the chuckling of the people behind me that uncomfortable silence might have lasted for an eternity.

I am so sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you. But then again, serves you right for trying to save 23 cents on a Lean Cuisine.

Dearest reader,

Many of you have written to ask me to place an ” about me” page on my blog. I thank you for you inquisitiveness and  the time you all took to write me. With that said, its realy non of your bee’s wax! I just want to say bee’s wax and had no other place to use that line.

- I’m 5 foot 9 and 170 lbs. I have the strength of ten men or 1  pissed off monkey.

- I have no outstanding warrants for my arrest but am a trained assassin.

- Without spell-check this blog would be filled with hieroglyphs and  phonetic Cyrillic script.

- I am playful and tricky (much like a hyena), but I can also be timid at times (like a tree frog). And, I can also be silently deadly at times (like a poisonous tree frog). But, mostly, I’m just a human.

-  I read a lot and write a lot but never at the same time.

I’m done with Walmart! Well at least done yelling at the inept clerks. They just look at me ,with eyes glazed, and breath through their mouth.

So, with that said, I have decided to freak their freak  by taking a new approach. I curse at them Shakespeare style. Yes, you too, can use the words of The Bard to blow their minds.

Thou spongy fly-bitten clack-dish!

Thou mangled guts-griping whey-face!

O, [thou art] as tedious as a tired horse, a railing wife, Worse than a smoky house.

Thou mewling tickle-brained blind-worm!

Use  these with caution as they are prone to make the stupid freak out and cry.

As I search the blog-o-dome I have found a few sites which raise the standard of funny and craziness.

hashitout.com

and

www.gorillasushi.com

Enjoy them as I have.

No morning snow, just a little frost on the thunderdome(my driveway). Ill go back to bed for a bit as it is 5 am.

1 pm, I hear the call to arms. A snow shovel against pavement? I look and see my neighbor scraping his driveway. Why? There’s no slipping risk its just a millimeter thick layer of frost.

As I look again a few moments later I see him standing a perfectly clean almost pristine driveway. That bastard! Why was he bothering with that little bit of frost that the sun would dispatch if he waited a few hours? Why would he use a old shovel when he has a new snow-blower?

I think you want to step it up, I think you want to regain the mantle of snow-master of Willow street. Well you can have my shovel when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, which might be tomorrow its supposed to be like 10 degrees.

You damn dirty ape!(Sorry to get all planet of the apes on you good readers, I was channeling Charlton Heston).

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS TO YOU IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I AM MRS MARY COLLINS JONES. A WIDOW TO LATE COLLINS A. BROWN I AM
64 YEARS OLD.

I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST. FROM ALL INDICATIONS, MY CONDITION IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON’T LIVE MORE THAN TWO MONTHS ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS. THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD’NT PRODUCES ANY CHILD.MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE PART OF THIS WEALTH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA, ASIA AND EUROPE.

I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT. I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF US$20.5m MILLION USD STATES DOLLARS TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING DOWN AT A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE. I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL SURE BE UTILIZED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.PLEASE CONTACT ME FOR MORE DIRECTIVES. NOTE: PLEASE DO CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: marycollins2007@sify.com

MRS MARY COLLINS JONES–

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am saddened by your story! You are the answer to my prayers as well! I like cheese!

I used to be a army ranger and am very resourceful. My friends face-man, BA Baracus and Hannibal would like to help. If you are in trouble and nobody can help and if you can find them you can hire the A team.

Hugs and kisses

HM Murdoch

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Dear Beloved,
I must say a very big thank you for your reply to my
email. I would have written you since but my condition have been bad on
me. I want you to act accordingly to this my wish so that God’s will
may be done. I want this fund to be used in the way of God. I want to
letyouknow that I prayed over it before contacting you, so I
stronglybelievethat you can handle it. I want you to know that I will be
givenmy fulltrust to you so please do not let me down. I will need you
to send to me your picture to know you better. I want you to know that i
am presently in the hospital on admission and my doctor says my
condition is critical and that I have a very short time to leave, All I
wish for now is to do something the lord will appreciate before I leave
this earth so please pray for me and act accordingly so that I can
witness the good work  use my funds for before I leave this earth.The
total sum of the funds to be giving to you immediately. After then,share
it to the less privileged and the homeless people in your society. I
want you to pray for me for God to erase my pains. My late husband
deposited this fund in custody of Security Company in London but was
moved to their corresponding office in Netherlands for safe keeping,My
lawyer will communicate with you as soon as I hear from you his name is
Gorger Edward to brief you more about this transition because my doctor
has told me not to striating myself so much because of the nature of the
sickness so feel free with my lawyer he is in position to handle the
transition with you.God bless you.
Mary Collins.

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am sorry that you will not have long to leave. I have some health issues as well, I am crazy. To get to the bank Ill have to escape the state hospital that I’m in. Hanibal usually helps me with that.

I want to help you but I have been bamboozled before. The guys that scammed me were full of slickery and con-foolery. Do you like cheese, I do.

I sent some picyures as well.

I love you, do you love me?

HM Murdoch

      

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Dear beloved, Thank you for your mail, and the picture you sent to me I have forwarded your contact to my lawyer Barrister Gorger Edward because he has every information regarding to this transaction so feel free to work with him and also he is going to contact you on your email addressplease up date me as soon as you hear from him.Thanks and God bless Mary Collins

 

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Dear Joan,

I will only deal with you! You need to send me a picture as well. Are you hot?

HM Murdoch

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Attention  Chris Chris,
 
Greetings from Barrister George Edward.
 
I barrister George Edward( Esq.), I wish to give you more
directions regarding to the fund being deposited in custody of a
security firm in Netherlands (HOLLAND) by my client late husband
Mrs. Mary Collins.
 
All the detailed information regarding to this transaction is with
me. You are required to travel to Holland immediately to claim the
consignment from the Security firm. As soon as you indicate your
willingness to travel to Netherlands to claim the consignments from
the security firm I will forward the information to you including
the Power of Attorney and the Pin Code to enable you to claim the
consignment from the Security firm without any hitch, because
without this required documents the Security firm will not attend
to you.
 
My client  Mary Collins. agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum
to you because of your effort , also all your expenditures towards
this transition in this very project will be deducted from the
total sum before you start executing the "PROJECT HUGSOMEONE" , as
soon as you clear the fund from the Security firm.
 
Please I will like you to furnish me with the following
information’s below.
 
1, Your full name and address
 
2, Your direct contact telephone for easy communication
 
3, Your age and occupation
 
As soon as I hear from you as we are going to agreed on email. I
will forward all your information to the firm in Netherland
(Holland) to enable them communicates with you.
 
I wait your urgent response,
 
Yours truly,
 
Barr. George  Edward (Esq.)

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George,

 

As reqested I will need a picture of you, I allready sent one.

 

HM Murdoch

Recently, I started getting a boatload of these emails - so I decided to fight back….

Subject: Be Bless.

DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER’S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN’S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Luke
Hazzard County, USA

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giveing me to fix it.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your email. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

DEAREST BO

Many days has passed and I still have not hear from you. Please send $4,000 to kepp the account open from the steel company can you afford that? That is the only way we can proceed on this transaction.

MR ADUKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa!  I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus  put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our chopps, but, we are just the good ol’ boys, Never meanin’ no harm, Beats all you’ve ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin’ their way, The only way they know how,That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”  See now I’m thinking maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my soul in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Now I’d like that. But that isnt the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They are Mr. Bobba Fett and Mr. Darth Vader (of the Siths) about my transactions.

I Love you,

Bo Luke

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve Mr Sith. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of it. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t really bear”. I liked INXS, though.

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

Dear Aduku,

This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

Religion, probably the most heated subject there is. Most of my friends are Christians (the real kind, not like Mormons).

To get this out of the way, we do not

a. Handle snakes

b.Bounce around while jabbering

c.Yell “devil out!” while hitting other parishioners on the forehead.

My church in calm and pretty low key. I just want a teacher as opposed to a “preacher”. The twelve disciples called Jesus by the moniker “teacher” not preacher, I believe that is telling.

As for my friends that aren’t Christians, well that’s ok. I don’t preach to them and if they are ok with burning in hell for all time who am I to judge. Heres the deal, get a teacher. Youll know one because his/her teachings with magnify the Word not sound like a bizzaro interpritation of it aimed at your money.

With that said, please enjoy a compilation of my favorite “preachers”.

From soft baby at http://hashitout.com/

People can’t count.

Posted on December 29th, 2007 by rob2e

People can’t count. People take numbers for granted. Ask anyone how many numbers there are from one to ten. They’ll say ten. Ask that same person how many numbers there are from ten to twenty. They’ll say ten again.

When you point out how wrong they are, they actually get mad. Remember folks, most people who get mad or defensive about something know they’re wrong. They just don’t like having it pointed out to them.

In this specific example, you can prove it to them in various ways. Ten minus one equals nine, yet there are ten numbers from one to ten. It’s called adding the fence post. Any time you want to know how many numbers are from X to Y inclusive, you subtract X from Y and add one. That’s the fence post. So from ten to twenty — twenty minus ten is ten plus the fence post equals eleven. There are ELEVEN numbers from ten to twenty. Further, you can actually count it out on your fingers. People think this is some kinda bar trick or deception. Nope. They’re just dumb. When you go through this process with them, they’ll invariably say something like, “Well, that’s stupid.”

“No. YOU’RE stupid.”

It’s like 2006 having Super Bowl XL (40 for non Romans). When you ask people when the first Super Bowl was, they always say 1966. WRONG AGAIN! It was 1967. Remember the fence post. Look it up for Christ’s sake. Hell if not for the son of God, then look it up for your OWN sake. Don’t be an idiot.

Another one is when something happens for the first time (let’s just say a company picnic) and then when the next one rolls around a year later, people refer to it as the second anniversary of the company picnic. NO! Second ANNUAL, yes. Second anniversary, no. It’s the FIRST anniversary. What is the problem with this math today? Dummies.

And what about military time. It’s SO FUCKING EASY. People make it hard. It’s not. Any hour that is bigger than 12 you subtract 12. That’s it. That’s the whole formula. 1300 = 1:00. 1900 = 7:00. 2330 = 11:30. MORONS!

You know what? If any of this applies to you, you probably can’t read anyway. And you’re not going to give me kudos on this blog because you don’t know what kudos means. And you’re probably Christian.

But if I may offer you some advice for life in general regarding math (in the immortal words of Mr. Tom Hanks on an episode of Family Ties where he says to Jennifer) –”If all else fails, X = 8.”

It has been silent on the front. Snow is available for us to shovel but we wait. I know hes over there plotting a way to best me and regain the title that I took in our last battle. I have soundly thrashed him thrice now and he is but a shadow of the snow gladiator that he might have been. At times like this I recall the words of Conan the Barbarian

1. See your enemies driven before you

2.Crush all opposition

3. Cry havoc and loose the shovels of war

At lest that’s how I remember it.

Its now 4, getting dark. My gambit to wait him out seems fruitless now, I mean its dark.

Its 5 now and I hear the cars of the people sloshing through the street. Vroom slosh, vroom slosh then vroom. What is that? Is a car right in front of my house revving their engine? I ignore it and the sound falls away.

Vroom!

Who pulled into my driveway to rev their engine? Has Evil Kinevel back from the dead? Why return from the nether world just to sit in my driveway? I have to look as I am a huge Evil fan.

Whats that, there is someone in my driveway. Its dark so it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust.

He’s snow-blowing my driveway in the dark! He is mad, almost diabolical. What is to be gained here. Have I driven him to this, the last act of a snow fiend? He finishes and starts back to his house, his den of inequality.

I shoot out of the front door ,showered in the light of my porch light, pump my fists in the air and raise my head to the heavens as I bellow “Kaaahn”!

This war, this Sicilian thing between us is taxing our recources and I dare the fragile precipice on which our Psyche’s hang.

The temperature is well above 30 degree and the battleground on which we fought, bled and shoveled is now slush. A consistency between an Italian icy and the Potomac in mid January. Basically there’s nothing to shovel, most of the snow has melted an runs into the storm drain.

I see him exit his house from time to time to survey the lack of any thing to shovel. He looks at the clean driveway almost in disgust then turns and returns to his house.Is he in there saving his energy? Practicing his shoveling technique? Carb loading for the storm that approaches? He is devious and I can feel a disturbance in the force. He wants the title back and I fear the machiavellian lengths that he will go to to obtain that.

I travel to local store to get some food stuffs, a jaunt to my favorite Haberdashery to pick up my new spats and hounds-tooth jacket and as I return I see a site that left me confounded.

He was shoveling the slush that runs along the side of his curb towards the storm drain. I was bewildered as this is fruitless, we live on the bottom of a sloping street. Even if one was to clear the area in front of his house to let the run off water better find the storm drain this act is pure madness. There is still a mile of slush that cant reach his cleared area. It is mad, totally for ascetic reasons and one looks like the mad-hatter doing it!

Have I driven him to this? Has his fragile ego shattered under the weight of my shoveling prodigy? For a newbie like me to take the title away from him must have been too much. I guess I understand, I am quite a sight.

He is altogether batty for this fruitless act. He has gone off the deep end. I see him out there and its sad. He thinks he can taunt me into a competition of his own making, a chore that is crazy and totally worthless. No one shovels that!

Although I do have that new shovel that I bought. It is a nice day. Hmmmmmm. I sure can use the exercise……

Ill talk to you later.

<

It has been very warm the last few days. All the compacted snow that is middle of the street is slowly turning to slush. My Nemesis and I haven’t dueled for a while. There’s just no snow.

At midday I drive to Costco to get my favorite treat, a hotdog. Those sweet buttery hot-doggery treats, I blog about those as well but Ill try to stick to the topic at hand.

As I return my eyes widen as I witness him shoveling the ice from the street directly in front of his house . WTF? Nobody does this, its stupid and just plain wrong. I cant imagine, in my wildest dreams doing something so silly and truly odd. Standing in the middle of the street on shoveling ice and slush while avoiding the odd car that might pass. Its the kinda thing that brings the police and gets you a 72 hour vacation at the state hospital. Have I driven him to this? Have my taunts and stink eyes pushed him over the edge?

I watch him , relishing the state of dementia that I have seemed to unleashed upon him. I start to feel bad, but then I pick up Sun Tzu’s “the art of war” and keep reading. Even 13th century Chinese warfare can help me.

Today was a victory, though a sad one a victory non the less.

I get up early, 6 o’clock to see what the  nights snow has done to my driveway. He’s out there, in his driveway just milling around. As soon as I start he starts. He was waiting for me. He keeps looking up the street and I cant figure out why.

I hear a few people trudging though the slosh. How would be out at this time, the kids! The kids walking to the school bus. He is cleaning his sidewalk in hopes that the kids will walk on his sidewalk.

I start on my sidewalk but it is too late. You win this battle but the forecast calls for more snow and I know now the rules!

Ill see you at 5 am tomorrow. I know its early but Ill pull an all-nighter, whatever I need to do. The fight is on, sides have been chosen.

We are snow-warriors. Snow wars are a long forgotten tradition where grow men with nothing better to do fight against each other and mother nature and she truly is a bittch.

At least that’s what wikipedia told me.