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The Internet’s secret shame

I found this and wish to share. I myself am not a father but have three wonderful sisters and 5 lovely nieces. I have been accused of being overly protective but why else would God give me big muscles a menacing stare and a great knowledge of the legal system if not for their safety.  Did you know that the phrase ” I  repeated hit  him in the face with a flat iron because I was in fear for my safety” will let you walk free in most states?

http://www.smilespedia.com/10-simple-rules-for-dating-my-daughter-2/

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

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(Walk over to her)”Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don’t talk about it.”

Did you know that the word ‘motel’ spelled backwards means ‘letom’?

HI! Can I buy you a car?

Want to see my stamp collection?

Most people would agree that society these days has lost a bit of it’s civility. It’s a shame.

You have excellent posture.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Are you wearing space pants? Cause your butt is out of this world.

Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn’t it?

Wow, you have some sweet birthin’ hips.

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I’m friendly and slow moving!

Why Monkee, you are such a hater!

Damn straight baby.

Let me break it down for you.

I believe Canada is the Aqua Man in the justice league of North America. The Duplo block in a world full of Lego’s.

Worthless!

You may ask why I say this, consider the following.

1. Half of them speak French! That alone is enough to hate the whole of the country.

2. They have added nothing to world culture, except for the wearing of black socks and sandals.

3. They have a political system just this side of communism.

4. During the Viet Nam war they opened their arms to our hippies and draft dodgers.

5. I have heard that they eat puppies and fart on our flag.

When I lived in Boise ,a few years ago, I got wind that they were planning a week long party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the draft dodger and the influx of dirty hippies into their country. Then I saw a report on the mass exodus of some 8000 middle-aged hippies that wanted to relive the time that they sat in Canada, smoked pot and talked about “The Man” whilst their neighbors were in south  east Asia fighting.

I could not let this lie, not when I was a scant few hundred miles from this twisted fiesta. I made a few phone calls and hit the road.

I sat, just few hundred miles north of the Canadian border, in my rented ice cream truck. I saw my comrades huddled of in the distance awaiting the signal. I waited until the hippies were nice and stoned, and in the middle of there dirt bag bacchanalia.

The fireworks started.

Literally!

I cranked the speakers on the ice cream truck and played a few tracks from “Apocalypse Now” intermingled with a little “Full Metal Jacket” as I shot fireworks at them. As this was going on the local theater troop that I had hired ran through the crowd wearing black pajamas and sampan hats yelling “di di mau”.

This had the desired effect and dare I say it must been the “Brown noise” to all hippies because all of the strawberry kush and petrulli oil in the world couldn’t cover the smell of 8000 thousand dirty hippies crapping their pants in unison.

Looking back I feel some remorse for what I did. I felt a twinge of guilt on my drive back to Boise. The guilt subsided as the thought of warmer temperatures, normal footwear and how great the USA is wafted into my head.

Every now and then I hear the Canadian national anthem and the thought of soiled underwear and  petrulli oil make me smile.

Rock on you dirty hippy bastards.

I don’t like to use other peoples bathrooms.There, I said it.

But even though I don’t like doing it, I realize that I can’t always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I’m at your house, I’ve got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a “perceived level of comfort” that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call “calculated risk assessment”.

Allow me to explain:

If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I’ll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, “because I have to wash my hands.” I may in fact be washing my hands, but I’m also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.

When I’m in your bathroom, here’s what I’m checking out:
-
I usually take a pee in the toilet and flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?Note: if it can’t take down my yellow, it ain’t taking down my brown.I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.

I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the faucet and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I’m doing my business.
-
This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I’m making.Note: If you don’t have a fan, you better have a window. If you don’t have either, I’m sorry, but I’m just not gonna be able to use your bathroom to make a deposit.
-
It is very important that I don’t mistake a Heat Lamp for a Ceiling Fan. They both make noise, which is good, but as we’ve learned, a Ceiling Fan also sucks away foul odors. A Heat Lamp simply bakes the odor, thus exacerbating the problem.Note: Using a Heat Lamp solely for its noise making ability while using a window, or other device (to be discussed), to eliminate baked butt-smell, is acceptable, but not ideal.

-
I’m always pleased when I see a book of matches on the back of the toilet. I don’t know how lighting a match nullifies poop-stench, but I don’t question it too much for fear it will one day stop working.Note: Always flush matches. Do not put them in the trash can or the fact that you’re dumping in someone else’s house may suddenly be the least of your problems. I learned this hard way and please believe me when I tell you that you really don’t want to be frantically trying to extinguish flames and frantically trying to pull your pants up at the same time.

-
Air Freshener is completely worthless. If I see this in your bathroom, it tells me one thing, and one thing only:You like the smell of shit-covered flowers.If this is the case, I’ll be happy to oblige, but personally I’d rather smell the foulest poo-stink than some of the so-called air “fresheners” out there.

-
I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll “over” or “under” is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I’m on the safe side.I don’t want to find out mid-crap that you’re out of toilet paper. I also don’t want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I’ve gone through the current supply. I don’t think you want this either.

-
My single greatest fear in life is clogging a toilet in somebody else’s house and finding myself plunger-less. This fear is most likely the direct result of the time when I clogged a toilet in somebody else’s house and found myself plungerless. (This was on a first date with a hot chick and I ended up having to get very creative with a two-liter bottle of coke… nevermind, it’s too painful to think about.)I think it goes without saying that the only thing more embarrassing than taking a crap at someone else’s house, is sheepishly emerging from the bathroom to ask the host if they own a plunger.A plunger is a must, people. Put it next to the toilet or under the sink or anywhere in the bathroom for that matter. I’ll find it if I need it. Believe me.

-
At home, I often times get comfortable on the throne with a good novel. I sometimes read many chapters and stay in the bathroom for ridiculously long periods of time. One time, I swear to god of your parents choice, I spent three full hours in the bathroom reading Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead”. You do not want me in your bathroom for that long, trust me. But please, some magazines and such would be nice. Something that’s easy to read and not too long - Readers Digest is perfect. Anything pornographic is a bad idea.One time, I was dumping at someone’s house and they had a “Kid’s Guide to Anatomy” complete with large, full-color illustrations. I read all about the excretory system while I was excreting… and it blew my mind.

-
Now, some of you may be asking, “Why would I have a vested interest in making you feel comfortable pooping in my bathroom?”

I’ll tell you why.

When I am not able to release my bowels, I get tense, nervous, standoff-ish, irritable, sweaty, etc. In other words, I am no longer the life of the party. When I become an introvert, it can have a real detrimental effect on the social scene in your house.

Case in point: One time I was at an apartment shared by three girls. They fed me Thai food which–surprise!–made me have to shit. Badly. Unfortunately for these three girls (and other house guests), when I went into their bathroom to “wash my hands” I came to the conclusion, through “calculated risk assessment”, that the “perceived level of comfort” in their bathroom was FAR below my acceptable standards.

The net effect was that, not only was I unable to crap, but in the eyes of most of the people in the house, I became “no fun.”

Well I got news for you - it’s awfully hard to be “fun” when every poke, tickle, and hug has the potential to unleash a gaseous, party-stopping fury.

Look, I think we can all agree on the fact that there’s nothing like your own toilet, an empty house, and all the free time in the world… which is why it should be common courtesy to provide guests in your home with a “foreigner friendly” environment in which to take care of business.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

I hate the French!

Ya that’s right, I said it.

I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).

Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.

Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.

Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.

Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.

I leave you with this and you may decide.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

Monkee out

As we aproach the day that Hollywood engages in it annual self-love fest I would like to give my choices.

Best Actor-

George Clooney

Michael Clayton

As Michael Clayton, George Clooney portrays a fixer at a powerful law firm who finds himself in danger when he investigates his colleagues’ actions in a controversial lawsuit.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the fourth Academy Award nomination for George Clooney. He was previously nominated for:

• GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. (2005) — Nominee, Directing
• GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. (2005) — Nominee, Writing (Original)
• SYRIANA (2005) — Winner, Actor in a Supporting Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

When one of the star attorneys at a powerful corporate law firm suffers a guilt-fueled breakdown that threatens to derail a planned merger, the firm’s fixer, Michael Clayton, is called in to take care of the situation. As he delves into the facts behind the multimillion dollar lawsuit at the center of the conflict, Michael finds himself making moral and ethical decisions that will place his life in danger.

As a person on my list of people that I’d like to punch in the face I couldn’t care less.

Daniel Day-Lewis

There Will Be Blood

NOMINATED ROLE

As Daniel Plainview, Daniel Day-Lewis plays a ruthless California oilman who will stop at nothing to achieve wealth and power.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the fourth Academy Award nomination for Daniel Day-Lewis. He was previously nominated for:

• GANGS OF NEW YORK (2002) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER (1993) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• MY LEFT FOOT (1989) — Winner, Actor in a Leading Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

In his ruthless pursuit of wealth, misanthropic oilman Daniel Plainview tricks a local farmer into signing away his valuable drilling rights and rejects his own son, H.W., when the boy loses his hearing in an accident. As he becomes increasingly isolated and unstable, Daniel places his trust in a vagrant claiming to be his half-brother, and finds his position unsettled by H.W.’s return and the growing popularity of the farmer’s son, now an evangelical preacher.

This guy is entertaining in everything that I see him in. Plus he always has a cool mustache! In my book mustache=Oscar.

Johnny Depp

Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

NOMINATED ROLE

Johnny Depp plays Sweeney Todd, a barber in Victorian London who embarks on a murderous plan of revenge against the corrupt judge who ruined his life.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the third Academy Award nomination for Johnny Depp. He was previously nominated for:

• FINDING NEVERLAND (2004) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

In nineteenth-century London, barber Sweeney Todd seeks revenge on the corrupt judge who had him falsely arrested and sent to Australia in an attempt to steal Sweeney’s wife. When his plan to kill the judge goes awry, Sweeney begins to murder his clients indiscriminately, with the help of his neighbor, Mrs. Lovett, who disposes of his victims by baking them into meat pies.

I have never seen this guy in a role I didn’t like. Hes creepy and cooky, mysterious and spooky.

Holy crap, he is the Adams’ family!

Tommy Lee Jones

In the Valley of Elah

NOMINATED ROLE

Tommy Lee Jones plays Hank Deerfield, a Vietnam veteran who searches for his missing son in the wake of the young man’s return from a tour of duty in Iraq.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the third Academy Award nomination for Tommy Lee Jones. He was previously nominated for:

• THE FUGITIVE (1993) — Winner, Actor in a Supporting Role
• JFK (1991) — Nominee, Actor in a Supporting Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

Vietnam vet Hank Deerfield learns that his son, Mike, is missing from his army unit, recently returned from Iraq. When he travels to the unit’s New Mexico base, however, he finds his son’s fellow soldiers unwilling to answer his questions and the local police–with the exception of Detective Emily Sanders–uninterested in pursuing the case.

I have nothing bad to say about this guy, other than his face look like a catchers mit.

Viggo Mortensen

Eastern Promises

NOMINATED ROLE

As Nikolai, Viggo Mortensen plays the ambitious driver and henchman of a Russian mobster, who favors him over his own son.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the first Academy Award nomination for Viggo Mortensen.

FILM SYNOPSIS

Anna, a midwife at a London hospital, finds herself entangled in the dangerous world of the Russian mafia when she attempts to translate the diary of a young girl who has died in childbirth. At the center of the violent organization is Semyon, an older man of deceptive warmth and charm, Kirill, his unstable son, and Nikolai, Semyon’s capable and self-assured driver who seems certain to rise within the gang’s ranks.

Ok, how cool would it be to walk in a room and declare “I am Viggo”?

Recently, I started getting a boatload of these emails - so I decided to fight back….

Subject: Be Bless.

DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER’S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN’S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Luke
Hazzard County, USA

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giveing me to fix it.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your email. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

DEAREST BO

Many days has passed and I still have not hear from you. Please send $4,000 to kepp the account open from the steel company can you afford that? That is the only way we can proceed on this transaction.

MR ADUKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa!  I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus  put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our chopps, but, we are just the good ol’ boys, Never meanin’ no harm, Beats all you’ve ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin’ their way, The only way they know how,That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”  See now I’m thinking maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my soul in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Now I’d like that. But that isnt the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They are Mr. Bobba Fett and Mr. Darth Vader (of the Siths) about my transactions.

I Love you,

Bo Luke

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve Mr Sith. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of it. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t really bear”. I liked INXS, though.

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

Dear Aduku,

This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

It has been silent on the front. Snow is available for us to shovel but we wait. I know hes over there plotting a way to best me and regain the title that I took in our last battle. I have soundly thrashed him thrice now and he is but a shadow of the snow gladiator that he might have been. At times like this I recall the words of Conan the Barbarian

1. See your enemies driven before you

2.Crush all opposition

3. Cry havoc and loose the shovels of war

At lest that’s how I remember it.

Its now 4, getting dark. My gambit to wait him out seems fruitless now, I mean its dark.

Its 5 now and I hear the cars of the people sloshing through the street. Vroom slosh, vroom slosh then vroom. What is that? Is a car right in front of my house revving their engine? I ignore it and the sound falls away.

Vroom!

Who pulled into my driveway to rev their engine? Has Evil Kinevel back from the dead? Why return from the nether world just to sit in my driveway? I have to look as I am a huge Evil fan.

Whats that, there is someone in my driveway. Its dark so it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust.

He’s snow-blowing my driveway in the dark! He is mad, almost diabolical. What is to be gained here. Have I driven him to this, the last act of a snow fiend? He finishes and starts back to his house, his den of inequality.

I shoot out of the front door ,showered in the light of my porch light, pump my fists in the air and raise my head to the heavens as I bellow “Kaaahn”!