Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

To my farty boss and his bowels.

I hear you.

I hear you in there.

I hear you farting. Shifting in your leather chair. Trying to muffle your bodily noises in your vibrating chair pad (which is creepy enough).

Worse: I smell you.

The first day you did this, I thought someone had burned a Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak in the microwave. The second day, I stupidly asked you if you smelled “that vile odor”.

You blushed and said, “I have this little problem when I am stressed, excited, or eat a lot of protein in the mornings…” and thus began the stinkfest

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Listen, can’t you lay off the protein bars and egg whites and ostrich sausage in the mornings? Can you eat them, say, at lunch or at night, and torture your family and pets with the stench?

I am tired of burning candles in my cubicle like I’m some kind of Wiccan trying to ward off the Samhain Fart Satyr. I dread bringing you my paperwork because I don’t always hear you and sometimes I am very unpleasantly surprised by the greasy cloud that surrounds your work area.

I really like you. You’re a great boss. You pay me well and gave me a chance. But this has to stop before I burst a blood vessel in my eye from holding my breath when I come close to you. See a gastroenterological specialist already; I’ll even make the appointment!

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(Walk over to her)”Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don’t talk about it.”

Did you know that the word ‘motel’ spelled backwards means ‘letom’?

HI! Can I buy you a car?

Want to see my stamp collection?

Most people would agree that society these days has lost a bit of it’s civility. It’s a shame.

You have excellent posture.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Are you wearing space pants? Cause your butt is out of this world.

Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn’t it?

Wow, you have some sweet birthin’ hips.

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I’m friendly and slow moving!

 Women weigh 1/6 as much on the Moon as they do on Earth.

That means it costs me 1/6 as much to mail my girlfriend from the Moon to Earth as it would the other way around.

The plain fact is, our nations postal service is never going to be competitive unless we start working on evening out the gravity thing. I developed a method of determining postal rates by mass rather than weight, thus eliminating any issue of difference in gravity.

Did the Postmaster General want to hear this? Nay, nay, nay my fellow Americans. He just gave me the runaround:

“Sir - this is Dean’s Home Furniture, not the Postal Annex.”

or

“If you don’t get off the patio set you’re going to have to leave.”

or my favorite

“If you don’t have those pants back on in 30 seconds I’m calling the police.”

I’ll tell you, the entire postal service is filled with a bunch of haters.

I have had, until recently, three refrigerators at one time. It’s a simple story, let’s see if you can follow. When I lived in Boise I had a rental in the northern part of the state that I had furnished with a new fridge (that makes two). I moved to north Idaho and into my rental and brought the fridge from Boise with me. The fridge that was already there I sat in the garage and just used it to cool soda.

I have since moved to Arizona and the house that is being built comes with all of the appliances that I will need and … and, a new fridge. Tada, simple right? Well not so simple when choosing to sell the fridge you don’t need. It’s new, or at least newer, clean and has been used a total of 7 months. It’s a $500 fridge that I just wanted gone for $150 so I thought the simplest way was to place an ad on Craig’s list.

This is how well it went.

Buyer #1 calls me at 7 am to ask if I am up yet. I am now I say and they tell me they will call back after 9. I say thank you for the warning and the lost sleep as I can’t go back to sleep one I am up.

Buyer #2 emails me from her blackberry to ask these very important questions.
a. What color is it.

I tell her same as I stated in the ad, white. Not off white. Not egg shell white, just very white.

b.Do you take checks?

No!

c.Any way you can run a master card?

If you want me to run it down the street yes but otherwise no.

d. So just cash right.

I will accept confederate bills and wampum but seeing as you have niether just cash.

e. Does it have a freezer? Have you ever seen a fridge that doesnt? Even the mini’s do.

f. Has it seen much action?

Are you asking if my fridge is a war verteran or a prostitute? Other that the fact that I wrote in the ad that was used for 7 months only and runs perfect I really can’t tell you more.

g. How are we gonna work this out?

I have no idea what you mean, all the times that I have purchased things there was the exchange of renumeration an then some heavy lifting followed by a brief period of leaving.

h. Well I just don’t know.

Well mam I don’t know either! I wish I could know enough for the bolth of us but I would have to charge you for that service and I don’t have the patience nor do you have the critical thinking skills for that to happen so I bid you good day.

I said good day!

A few day later a lady called and asked if I sill had it I said yes and I wanted to mention that it had a dime sized ding on it. I told her it was on the side on wouldnt show unless she placed in the middle of her living room. She said maybe she wants to place it in the middle of her living room and that I should take $20 of the price because of that. I told her that I’m not charging her for electrical cord or the plug. I told her the plug has three prongs which make it 50% better than most plugs. She laughed and agreed that that was a pretty good deal. She came over 10 minutes later, paid cash and her sons loaded up her new fridge on a truck.

What a sucker!

Why Monkee, you are such a hater!

Damn straight baby.

Let me break it down for you.

I believe Canada is the Aqua Man in the justice league of North America. The Duplo block in a world full of Lego’s.

Worthless!

You may ask why I say this, consider the following.

1. Half of them speak French! That alone is enough to hate the whole of the country.

2. They have added nothing to world culture, except for the wearing of black socks and sandals.

3. They have a political system just this side of communism.

4. During the Viet Nam war they opened their arms to our hippies and draft dodgers.

5. I have heard that they eat puppies and fart on our flag.

When I lived in Boise ,a few years ago, I got wind that they were planning a week long party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the draft dodger and the influx of dirty hippies into their country. Then I saw a report on the mass exodus of some 8000 middle-aged hippies that wanted to relive the time that they sat in Canada, smoked pot and talked about “The Man” whilst their neighbors were in south  east Asia fighting.

I could not let this lie, not when I was a scant few hundred miles from this twisted fiesta. I made a few phone calls and hit the road.

I sat, just few hundred miles north of the Canadian border, in my rented ice cream truck. I saw my comrades huddled of in the distance awaiting the signal. I waited until the hippies were nice and stoned, and in the middle of there dirt bag bacchanalia.

The fireworks started.

Literally!

I cranked the speakers on the ice cream truck and played a few tracks from “Apocalypse Now” intermingled with a little “Full Metal Jacket” as I shot fireworks at them. As this was going on the local theater troop that I had hired ran through the crowd wearing black pajamas and sampan hats yelling “di di mau”.

This had the desired effect and dare I say it must been the “Brown noise” to all hippies because all of the strawberry kush and petrulli oil in the world couldn’t cover the smell of 8000 thousand dirty hippies crapping their pants in unison.

Looking back I feel some remorse for what I did. I felt a twinge of guilt on my drive back to Boise. The guilt subsided as the thought of warmer temperatures, normal footwear and how great the USA is wafted into my head.

Every now and then I hear the Canadian national anthem and the thought of soiled underwear and  petrulli oil make me smile.

Rock on you dirty hippy bastards.

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
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1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

I don’t like to use other peoples bathrooms.There, I said it.

But even though I don’t like doing it, I realize that I can’t always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I’m at your house, I’ve got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a “perceived level of comfort” that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call “calculated risk assessment”.

Allow me to explain:

If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I’ll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, “because I have to wash my hands.” I may in fact be washing my hands, but I’m also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.

When I’m in your bathroom, here’s what I’m checking out:
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I usually take a pee in the toilet and flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?Note: if it can’t take down my yellow, it ain’t taking down my brown.I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.

I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the faucet and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I’m doing my business.
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This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I’m making.Note: If you don’t have a fan, you better have a window. If you don’t have either, I’m sorry, but I’m just not gonna be able to use your bathroom to make a deposit.
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It is very important that I don’t mistake a Heat Lamp for a Ceiling Fan. They both make noise, which is good, but as we’ve learned, a Ceiling Fan also sucks away foul odors. A Heat Lamp simply bakes the odor, thus exacerbating the problem.Note: Using a Heat Lamp solely for its noise making ability while using a window, or other device (to be discussed), to eliminate baked butt-smell, is acceptable, but not ideal.

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I’m always pleased when I see a book of matches on the back of the toilet. I don’t know how lighting a match nullifies poop-stench, but I don’t question it too much for fear it will one day stop working.Note: Always flush matches. Do not put them in the trash can or the fact that you’re dumping in someone else’s house may suddenly be the least of your problems. I learned this hard way and please believe me when I tell you that you really don’t want to be frantically trying to extinguish flames and frantically trying to pull your pants up at the same time.

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Air Freshener is completely worthless. If I see this in your bathroom, it tells me one thing, and one thing only:You like the smell of shit-covered flowers.If this is the case, I’ll be happy to oblige, but personally I’d rather smell the foulest poo-stink than some of the so-called air “fresheners” out there.

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I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll “over” or “under” is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I’m on the safe side.I don’t want to find out mid-crap that you’re out of toilet paper. I also don’t want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I’ve gone through the current supply. I don’t think you want this either.

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My single greatest fear in life is clogging a toilet in somebody else’s house and finding myself plunger-less. This fear is most likely the direct result of the time when I clogged a toilet in somebody else’s house and found myself plungerless. (This was on a first date with a hot chick and I ended up having to get very creative with a two-liter bottle of coke… nevermind, it’s too painful to think about.)I think it goes without saying that the only thing more embarrassing than taking a crap at someone else’s house, is sheepishly emerging from the bathroom to ask the host if they own a plunger.A plunger is a must, people. Put it next to the toilet or under the sink or anywhere in the bathroom for that matter. I’ll find it if I need it. Believe me.

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At home, I often times get comfortable on the throne with a good novel. I sometimes read many chapters and stay in the bathroom for ridiculously long periods of time. One time, I swear to god of your parents choice, I spent three full hours in the bathroom reading Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead”. You do not want me in your bathroom for that long, trust me. But please, some magazines and such would be nice. Something that’s easy to read and not too long - Readers Digest is perfect. Anything pornographic is a bad idea.One time, I was dumping at someone’s house and they had a “Kid’s Guide to Anatomy” complete with large, full-color illustrations. I read all about the excretory system while I was excreting… and it blew my mind.

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Now, some of you may be asking, “Why would I have a vested interest in making you feel comfortable pooping in my bathroom?”

I’ll tell you why.

When I am not able to release my bowels, I get tense, nervous, standoff-ish, irritable, sweaty, etc. In other words, I am no longer the life of the party. When I become an introvert, it can have a real detrimental effect on the social scene in your house.

Case in point: One time I was at an apartment shared by three girls. They fed me Thai food which–surprise!–made me have to shit. Badly. Unfortunately for these three girls (and other house guests), when I went into their bathroom to “wash my hands” I came to the conclusion, through “calculated risk assessment”, that the “perceived level of comfort” in their bathroom was FAR below my acceptable standards.

The net effect was that, not only was I unable to crap, but in the eyes of most of the people in the house, I became “no fun.”

Well I got news for you - it’s awfully hard to be “fun” when every poke, tickle, and hug has the potential to unleash a gaseous, party-stopping fury.

Look, I think we can all agree on the fact that there’s nothing like your own toilet, an empty house, and all the free time in the world… which is why it should be common courtesy to provide guests in your home with a “foreigner friendly” environment in which to take care of business.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

I don’t mean to be confrontational, but this is it: I’ve had it with you. You are so fickle. One second Wells Fargo tells me you’re there in hardy abundance and the next, without staying long enough for us to get to know each other, you’re gone. You used to be my friend: you’d pay my rent, we’d slowly work towards paying off debts, you even had reserves for a new car! But now, I can’t trust you. You’re here and then you’re gone. Oh, so I want some new shirts or maybe some xbox games–is that all it takes to make you disappear? You’re going to buy me some groceries and then you’re gone? What happened to commitment? You make me question myself…

You and I are in a bad relationship. I know, I abuse the privilege of sometimes having you around. I’m a dreamer and I often use you for personal acquisitions. I should appreciate you more and I will try to. But please, if you could just stay in my wallet long enough to conquer these student loans and hosting fees, we could build a great relationship. We could have a social life again–remember when you used to take me to dinner? Such good times, you and I… But you need to learn to grow. I need more of you and you’re not responding. I work so hard to have you in my very presence and you need to realize that you’re going to have be bigger. I need you in mass amounts. I’m begging for more of you. Can we please make this work?

Don’t write telling me what am ass I am. I am the master at self deprecation so back off!

With that said, enjoy.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, “Those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No, those are elk tracks.”
The third blonde said, “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!

No, this is the good one!

Thats the joke I like to play on those that seem a bit uncomfortable asking me about my eye. Its actually a replaced cornea that was badly scarred. I wish I had a good story about how it happened like I was injured trying to find Ossama Bin Laden or it was injured during a fight with ghost pirates. Alas nothing as glamorous. The iris is stretched and it looks like a cat eye. I usually hear “thats cool” and I reply with my old standard ” how cool, cool enough for you to want to give me cash/ make out/ wash my car”? No takers yet, but I am patient. I digress.

The shape of the eye sometime give an ominous look leading people to think that I am scowling at them. I found out this was known as the stink/skunk/evil eye. My usual jocularity and silly antics put people at ease and I no longer am placed in the “mean guy” category. With that said I will now retell a story, a story of pain. A story of disgust and trauma only seen by trauma surgeons and homicide detectives.

It was a glorious spring day. A day that could put the most devout curmudgeon and Nair-do-well in the best of spirits. A day when I took no offense at doing one of my least favorite chores. Mowing the lawn. I hate all the prep work and extras that one does just to cut grass. Shovel poop, empty the catcher, fill the garbage bags and so on. I call shenanigans on all that! I’m a free spirit! I will just forgo the catcher and that other drudgery that keeps me from the sweet sweet smell of fresh cut grass.

I mow. I mow sans catcher(the little rocks that gently pelt my shins are not bad). The grass will fly out the catcher attachment, dry up and blow away. No problem. I mow over the dog doody. It’ll scatter all over and not be a problem.

Halfway though I see a pile, take aim and run over it. I never thought a piece of poo could exit the catcher hole, catch the wind and hit me. The odds of that are huge. Even greater are the odds of that same poo making that turn, catching an updraft and flying at my eye! The stink eye non the less. It was like a scene from the matrix only with dog poo. It was horrible and I still carry the scars. What I can’t figure out is why I felt running around like a mad man yelling “poo” would help me.

So now when I am asked about my “stink eye” I do have a good story.

I’m not sure about the proper etiquette when it comes to snow removal from ones driveway. I grew up in the southwest and it was never an issue. The snow fell last night and a few inches are covering my driveway. I got out the snow shovel and started at it. After a few minutes I hear my neighbor crank up his blower, nice if you have it but I like the exercise.

After 10 Min’s he rolls the snow blower over and says something that I cant hear over the din of his machine. I believe hes asking if Id like him to make quick work of my driveway, I say no that I like the workout. After a second I think that I may have insulted him, inadvertently called him a fat lazy man that cant remember the sense of accomplishment that manual labor brings. I didn’t say that but I think he thought I meant that and I tried to back-peddle and offer a olive branch. I told him that Id like to see that thing go at it and he can do the rest of my driveway.

He finishes and I thank him, that’s when he casts a look as if to say”I’m better than you, just look at my machine”.

To you my snow blowing neighbor I say “Its on”!

This is kid safe and work safe. Enjoy!

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS TO YOU IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I AM MRS MARY COLLINS JONES. A WIDOW TO LATE COLLINS A. BROWN I AM
64 YEARS OLD.

I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST. FROM ALL INDICATIONS, MY CONDITION IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON’T LIVE MORE THAN TWO MONTHS ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS. THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD’NT PRODUCES ANY CHILD.MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE PART OF THIS WEALTH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA, ASIA AND EUROPE.

I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT. I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF US$20.5m MILLION USD STATES DOLLARS TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING DOWN AT A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE. I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL SURE BE UTILIZED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.PLEASE CONTACT ME FOR MORE DIRECTIVES. NOTE: PLEASE DO CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: marycollins2007@sify.com

MRS MARY COLLINS JONES–

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am saddened by your story! You are the answer to my prayers as well! I like cheese!

I used to be a army ranger and am very resourceful. My friends face-man, BA Baracus and Hannibal would like to help. If you are in trouble and nobody can help and if you can find them you can hire the A team.

Hugs and kisses

HM Murdoch

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Dear Beloved,
I must say a very big thank you for your reply to my
email. I would have written you since but my condition have been bad on
me. I want you to act accordingly to this my wish so that God’s will
may be done. I want this fund to be used in the way of God. I want to
letyouknow that I prayed over it before contacting you, so I
stronglybelievethat you can handle it. I want you to know that I will be
givenmy fulltrust to you so please do not let me down. I will need you
to send to me your picture to know you better. I want you to know that i
am presently in the hospital on admission and my doctor says my
condition is critical and that I have a very short time to leave, All I
wish for now is to do something the lord will appreciate before I leave
this earth so please pray for me and act accordingly so that I can
witness the good work  use my funds for before I leave this earth.The
total sum of the funds to be giving to you immediately. After then,share
it to the less privileged and the homeless people in your society. I
want you to pray for me for God to erase my pains. My late husband
deposited this fund in custody of Security Company in London but was
moved to their corresponding office in Netherlands for safe keeping,My
lawyer will communicate with you as soon as I hear from you his name is
Gorger Edward to brief you more about this transition because my doctor
has told me not to striating myself so much because of the nature of the
sickness so feel free with my lawyer he is in position to handle the
transition with you.God bless you.
Mary Collins.

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am sorry that you will not have long to leave. I have some health issues as well, I am crazy. To get to the bank Ill have to escape the state hospital that I’m in. Hanibal usually helps me with that.

I want to help you but I have been bamboozled before. The guys that scammed me were full of slickery and con-foolery. Do you like cheese, I do.

I sent some picyures as well.

I love you, do you love me?

HM Murdoch

      

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Dear beloved, Thank you for your mail, and the picture you sent to me I have forwarded your contact to my lawyer Barrister Gorger Edward because he has every information regarding to this transaction so feel free to work with him and also he is going to contact you on your email addressplease up date me as soon as you hear from him.Thanks and God bless Mary Collins

 

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Dear Joan,

I will only deal with you! You need to send me a picture as well. Are you hot?

HM Murdoch

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Attention  Chris Chris,
 
Greetings from Barrister George Edward.
 
I barrister George Edward( Esq.), I wish to give you more
directions regarding to the fund being deposited in custody of a
security firm in Netherlands (HOLLAND) by my client late husband
Mrs. Mary Collins.
 
All the detailed information regarding to this transaction is with
me. You are required to travel to Holland immediately to claim the
consignment from the Security firm. As soon as you indicate your
willingness to travel to Netherlands to claim the consignments from
the security firm I will forward the information to you including
the Power of Attorney and the Pin Code to enable you to claim the
consignment from the Security firm without any hitch, because
without this required documents the Security firm will not attend
to you.
 
My client  Mary Collins. agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum
to you because of your effort , also all your expenditures towards
this transition in this very project will be deducted from the
total sum before you start executing the "PROJECT HUGSOMEONE" , as
soon as you clear the fund from the Security firm.
 
Please I will like you to furnish me with the following
information’s below.
 
1, Your full name and address
 
2, Your direct contact telephone for easy communication
 
3, Your age and occupation
 
As soon as I hear from you as we are going to agreed on email. I
will forward all your information to the firm in Netherland
(Holland) to enable them communicates with you.
 
I wait your urgent response,
 
Yours truly,
 
Barr. George  Edward (Esq.)

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George,

 

As reqested I will need a picture of you, I allready sent one.

 

HM Murdoch

Recently, I started getting a boatload of these emails - so I decided to fight back….

Subject: Be Bless.

DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER’S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN’S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Luke
Hazzard County, USA

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giveing me to fix it.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your email. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

DEAREST BO

Many days has passed and I still have not hear from you. Please send $4,000 to kepp the account open from the steel company can you afford that? That is the only way we can proceed on this transaction.

MR ADUKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa!  I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus  put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our chopps, but, we are just the good ol’ boys, Never meanin’ no harm, Beats all you’ve ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin’ their way, The only way they know how,That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”  See now I’m thinking maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my soul in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Now I’d like that. But that isnt the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They are Mr. Bobba Fett and Mr. Darth Vader (of the Siths) about my transactions.

I Love you,

Bo Luke

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve Mr Sith. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of it. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t really bear”. I liked INXS, though.

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

Dear Aduku,

This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

AS I put on my custom made uniform( its a poorly crafted knock off of the character the shoveler from the movie “Mystery Men”) I check the temperature and play the theme from Rocky to get myself prepared for today’s battle. As I venture into the cold I see that the warmer than normal weather has turned any snow that remains to a icy slush. A slush that will soon melt and trickle off. Now a normal person not involved in this struggle against mother nature would just let it melt.

Not me, I must defend my tittle as snow-master of Wilow street. This is a title that I was born to maintain. Now I’m not saying that I’m Neo, I’m not “the one” nor am I the golden child that will fight the forces of evil.

I’m just saying.

As I get a few minutes into the work he appears. I wonder what a seasoned shoveler is doing. All the other neighbors with experience have stayed in knowing that the heat will do the job for them. Yet here we are, my nemesis and me.Two grown men locked in a battle that is altogether silly and fruitless. Yet we shovel.

As I have said he has a smaller driveway and finishes earlier than me.

I tell him he made quick work of his driveway and that because its so small maybe he was to come over and do part of mine to get a real work out. My words have the effect they were meant to have, my barbs have passed his defenses and sunk deep into his flesh.

Huzzah!

Victory is mine

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