I don’t like to use other peoples bathrooms.There, I said it.
But even though I don’t like doing it, I realize that I can’t always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I’m at your house, I’ve got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a “perceived level of comfort†that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call “calculated risk assessmentâ€.
Allow me to explain:
If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I’ll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, “because I have to wash my hands.†I may in fact be washing my hands, but I’m also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.
When I’m in your bathroom, here’s what I’m checking out:
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I usually take a pee in the toilet and flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?Note: if it can’t take down my yellow, it ain’t taking down my brown.I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.
I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the faucet and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I’m doing my business.
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This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I’m making.Note: If you don’t have a fan, you better have a window. If you don’t have either, I’m sorry, but I’m just not gonna be able to use your bathroom to make a deposit.
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It is very important that I don’t mistake a Heat Lamp for a Ceiling Fan. They both make noise, which is good, but as we’ve learned, a Ceiling Fan also sucks away foul odors. A Heat Lamp simply bakes the odor, thus exacerbating the problem.Note: Using a Heat Lamp solely for its noise making ability while using a window, or other device (to be discussed), to eliminate baked butt-smell, is acceptable, but not ideal.
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I’m always pleased when I see a book of matches on the back of the toilet. I don’t know how lighting a match nullifies poop-stench, but I don’t question it too much for fear it will one day stop working.Note: Always flush matches. Do not put them in the trash can or the fact that you’re dumping in someone else’s house may suddenly be the least of your problems. I learned this hard way and please believe me when I tell you that you really don’t want to be frantically trying to extinguish flames and frantically trying to pull your pants up at the same time.
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Air Freshener is completely worthless. If I see this in your bathroom, it tells me one thing, and one thing only:You like the smell of shit-covered flowers.If this is the case, I’ll be happy to oblige, but personally I’d rather smell the foulest poo-stink than some of the so-called air “fresheners†out there.
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I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll “over†or “under†is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I’m on the safe side.I don’t want to find out mid-crap that you’re out of toilet paper. I also don’t want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I’ve gone through the current supply. I don’t think you want this either.
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My single greatest fear in life is clogging a toilet in somebody else’s house and finding myself plunger-less. This fear is most likely the direct result of the time when I clogged a toilet in somebody else’s house and found myself plungerless. (This was on a first date with a hot chick and I ended up having to get very creative with a two-liter bottle of coke… nevermind, it’s too painful to think about.)I think it goes without saying that the only thing more embarrassing than taking a crap at someone else’s house, is sheepishly emerging from the bathroom to ask the host if they own a plunger.A plunger is a must, people. Put it next to the toilet or under the sink or anywhere in the bathroom for that matter. I’ll find it if I need it. Believe me.
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At home, I often times get comfortable on the throne with a good novel. I sometimes read many chapters and stay in the bathroom for ridiculously long periods of time. One time, I swear to god of your parents choice, I spent three full hours in the bathroom reading Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainheadâ€. You do not want me in your bathroom for that long, trust me. But please, some magazines and such would be nice. Something that’s easy to read and not too long - Readers Digest is perfect. Anything pornographic is a bad idea.One time, I was dumping at someone’s house and they had a “Kid’s Guide to Anatomy†complete with large, full-color illustrations. I read all about the excretory system while I was excreting… and it blew my mind.
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Now, some of you may be asking, “Why would I have a vested interest in making you feel comfortable pooping in my bathroom?â€
I’ll tell you why.
When I am not able to release my bowels, I get tense, nervous, standoff-ish, irritable, sweaty, etc. In other words, I am no longer the life of the party. When I become an introvert, it can have a real detrimental effect on the social scene in your house.
Case in point: One time I was at an apartment shared by three girls. They fed me Thai food which–surprise!–made me have to shit. Badly. Unfortunately for these three girls (and other house guests), when I went into their bathroom to “wash my hands†I came to the conclusion, through “calculated risk assessmentâ€, that the “perceived level of comfort†in their bathroom was FAR below my acceptable standards.
The net effect was that, not only was I unable to crap, but in the eyes of most of the people in the house, I became “no fun.â€
Well I got news for you - it’s awfully hard to be “fun†when every poke, tickle, and hug has the potential to unleash a gaseous, party-stopping fury.
Look, I think we can all agree on the fact that there’s nothing like your own toilet, an empty house, and all the free time in the world… which is why it should be common courtesy to provide guests in your home with a “foreigner friendly†environment in which to take care of business.
