Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

- I am a man.

This means the following:
- I complain
- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)
- I emit occasionally offensive odors
- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from historical data)
- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)
- I employ logic to solve a problem
- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing my best score on “Tiger Wood’s Golf”
- I hate your ex-boyfriends
- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes
- I do stupid things like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a dinner party whenever the conversation bores me
- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” they are internally miserable
- I lie, but only to avoid offending you (”Those jeans look great on you”)
- I listen to music that makes me feel good
- I say your friend is getting fat when I know darn well she weighs less than you do
- I hate PDA
- I think you have at least 2 hot friends
- I am messy
- I think your friends suck
- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference
- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your cigarette
- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument
- I love me, with or without you

What I’m looking for:
- A woman

This means the following:
- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like blaming your own problems on me)
- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over the phone when responding to a joke you know isn’t funny)
- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what strangers think of you)
- You eat chicken and sushi
- You’re fun, whenever you’re not around your girlfriends (that Jessica turns you into such a bitch)
- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence contained in the sentence “just because.”)
- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string theory
- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still aholes
- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded
- You do stupid things like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the same drawer that the screwdriver is in
- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” that you are forcing it
- You are presumptuous (”Where are we going for dinner?”)
- You watch reality TV
- You listen to music that makes you cry
- You say you’re getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza
- You like PDA because you’re starved for attention
- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you’re making them seem more attainable
- You are somehow messier than I am, but it’s always my fault
- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you’ll never admit it
- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can control
- You always smell like your shampoo
- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an argument is futile (see note above re: logic)
- You love being with someone
- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true

It is hard for me to believe that a man with a perfectly good snow blower would revert to a shovel for any other reasons than to try to show me up. That’s what my neighbor did. Somehow I think I might have disrespected his manhood by implying that a fit younger man is a huge pussy for not using the muscles God gave him.

I never said that! I might have thought that though.

He doesn’t come out until I do, kinda like dueling banjos. As music from deliverance is playing in my head I begin to shovel. After finishing 3/4’s of my driveway I look at his driveway and he’s standing there with a clean driveway casting disdain my way.

Hey dude, your driveway is half the size of mine of course you’d finish first.

I thought yesterdays misunderstanding was just a forgotten gaff now I see that the gloves are off!
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