Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Gentile reader,

As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!

I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.

“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.

I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.

Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.

20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.

I hate ADD.

Gotta go, I see something shiny.

O.K. This is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I’m not talking a monkey or some dancing chimp BS, I mean a damn orangutan. Don’t ask me how you’re gonna get an orangutan that’s not my problem. So the orangutan’s name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable, all orangutans are named Clyde. I don’t know why this is, it’s just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You’re seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. “Did you know the guy with the orangutan?” “You used to date the guy with the orangutan?” “Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?” Next thing you know she’s calling.

“I’m hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?” “Geez I dunno, me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight. (Orangutans love monster trucks) In fact the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I’ll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in.” “Oh, well you know my number so don’t be a stra-” “Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde’s making Mojitos’.”

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind; you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it’s your life. But if you’re a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You’re IM’ng. You’re talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You’re one big Brady Bunch.

Enter the monkey

To my farty boss and his bowels.

I hear you.

I hear you in there.

I hear you farting. Shifting in your leather chair. Trying to muffle your bodily noises in your vibrating chair pad (which is creepy enough).

Worse: I smell you.

The first day you did this, I thought someone had burned a Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak in the microwave. The second day, I stupidly asked you if you smelled “that vile odor”.

You blushed and said, “I have this little problem when I am stressed, excited, or eat a lot of protein in the mornings…” and thus began the stinkfest

.
Listen, can’t you lay off the protein bars and egg whites and ostrich sausage in the mornings? Can you eat them, say, at lunch or at night, and torture your family and pets with the stench?

I am tired of burning candles in my cubicle like I’m some kind of Wiccan trying to ward off the Samhain Fart Satyr. I dread bringing you my paperwork because I don’t always hear you and sometimes I am very unpleasantly surprised by the greasy cloud that surrounds your work area.

I really like you. You’re a great boss. You pay me well and gave me a chance. But this has to stop before I burst a blood vessel in my eye from holding my breath when I come close to you. See a gastroenterological specialist already; I’ll even make the appointment!

Hurry, I’m lowering my standards faster than I can violate them.

Its a crazy blowout sale of hygiene/moral/personal or religious standards.

20 years older than me? Not a problem!
Morbidly(not just chubby) obese? Great!
Missing a few teeth? Who isn’t?
Sores and lesions? OK!
No job? You’re a free spirit baby!
Sit around all day watching TV? Broadening your horizons!
Schizophrenic/OCD/ just plane loco? I say crazy in the head crazy in the bed!
5 children from 6 guys? I know you’ll put out!
No social graces? Graces/smaces!
Sleep around? Hoo Raa
Never cook? Double Hoo Raa
Never clean? Awesome!
Break a sweet walking to the kitchen? Let me bring that big mac too you!
Ugly at a post? Beauty is only skin deep!
Use sex as a weapon? Gotta use what God gave you!

Read the rest of this entry »

From yahoo news http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080424/ap_on_fe_st/odd_blind_defense

Thu Apr 24, 5:54 PM ET

INDIANAPOLIS - A legally blind man beat up an intruder and held him at knifepoint until police arrived at the man’s eastside home, authorities said. Allan Kieta, 49, told police he was at home Monday morning when his small dog began barking and he encountered the man.

“I opened the door and just ran into him. I had him pinned in the laundry room and just kept pummeling,” said Kieta, a former wrestler in high school.

He said he grabbed the intruder by the belt and dragged him into the kitchen, where he put a knife at the man’s throat and tried to dial 911.

“Being visually impaired, I couldn’t get the buttons because I was using my left hand,” he said. “It took me about 20 tries.”

Police arrived within minutes and arrested Alvaro Castro, 25, on an initial charge of residential entry, Sgt. Matthew Mount said.

Lt. Jeff Duhamell was impressed with Kieta’s feat.

“Its pretty remarkable for anyone thats blind to be able to defend themselves, let alone make an apprehension,” Duhamell said. “To be able to grab this guy and hold him down until police got there is pretty remarkable.”

Castro, who was initially taken to the Wishard Memorial Hospital detention facility, denied trying to burglarize the home and said he was a former boyfriend of Kieta’s daughter and was trying to visit her, said Mount.

Kieta said Castro told him he was looking for his cat.

“I go, ‘Your cat? You’re in my house!’” Kieta recalled.

Castro was transferred to the Marion County Jail on Monday night.

Kieta said he suffered swollen hands and a sore back, but no serious injuries.

“When my wife was cleaning the blood off, she said, ‘I think it’s all his,’” Kieta said.

Am I a theologian?

A Bible scholar?

No. What I am is thinker and a scripture-aficionado. An old testament enthusiast if you will.

As I stood in Macdonald’s (kindly explaining that their motto of “have it your way” should include cooking my burger with the fries already on it) the mystery of the final battle between good and evil became clear to me. The simp in the paper hat told me “Thats Burger King’s motto” and asked why I wasn’t wearing pants or shoes in 20 degree weather. I told him it was neither here nor there and I will take my business elsewhere, good day sir.

I said good day!

As I left I saw a young lady open her laptop and a Google search box popped up. Nothing out of the ordinary, I use Google as well. I used to use yahoo. What made me switch? Usually these questions are drummed out of my head by new questions that replace them like “What is the meaning of life” , “what really lead to my hatred of Canadians” or “where, indeed, is the beef” ?

I thought about all these questions, did hours of research and ate a box of steak-ums. This is what I found and I would like you to draw your own conclusions.

1- Yahoo is a  pronunciation of the name of God. Yawee, Yahu or Yawoo. I have heard it pronounced in all of these ways.

2- Google starts with a G. The seventh letter of the alphabet. The Jewish alphabet has only 25 letters that we have in the English alphabet thereby making G the sixth letter in their alphabet. As in 666.

3- If you a eat a box of steak-ums in one sitting you will get a tape-worm.

4- Naming said tapeworm Mr. Bubbles in no way lessens the harm that the tapeworm might do.

5-Many Bible scholars have postulated that the anti-christ might be a thing not a person as previously thought.   A decever that is very pervasive. Yes, some have thought that the internet might be that anti-christ.

So, dear reader, I ask you is the internet the Armageddon that the Bible foretells?

Now before you get all crazy and start jumping around like a monkey yelling that I know nothing and that Armageddon is a place not an idea and Armageddon is  actually a Greek word for hill or mountain (Har) that overlooks the valley of Meggedo west of the Jordan river stop and realize that most of the Bible stories that we all know are parables. Do not get hung up on the details and forgo the deeper meaning.

With that said, I know that most of my posts are very light hearted and silly.I wish to stir the pot a bit, I wish to have civil discourse with you all. Basically I want you to participate. I find your comments lively and though full. I know that religion is a heated topic but indulge me. If this topic is too tame for some let me leave you with this.

Everyone but protestants are heretics.

The earth is only 12,000 years old.

Mormonism is totally made up by horny old men that want to sleep with many women and say “God told me it was OK”.

From now on dinosaurs will be know as Jesus horses.

Thank you for listening,

Discuss

(Walk over to her)”Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don’t talk about it.”

Did you know that the word ‘motel’ spelled backwards means ‘letom’?

HI! Can I buy you a car?

Want to see my stamp collection?

Most people would agree that society these days has lost a bit of it’s civility. It’s a shame.

You have excellent posture.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Are you wearing space pants? Cause your butt is out of this world.

Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn’t it?

Wow, you have some sweet birthin’ hips.

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I’m friendly and slow moving!

StumbleUpon?

Whats that?

Another social media group that you want me to join? I already have 12 to keep track of. What is so different about this one? Oh, it has a cool tool bar. That’s great. Look dude I’m drowning here as it is I don’t want a new site that’ll give me a few hits a day. Ok I’ll join, stop crying and throwing chairs at me.

That was the conversation that I had with a friend of mine. The day after I joined I installed the tool bar. I was amazed at how easy it was to share a website that I liked with a friend, kinda cool.

Then one of my pages was stumbled. 600 hits in 3 hours, I was hooked. I stumbled a few pages from a site that I usually go to and saw that they were reviewed dozens of times. Cool, there are people with some of the same interests. The I started stumbling posts that others submitted that’s when I was hooked. I can’t stop, there is so much out there on the compu-web that I have never seen. My new friends at SU have laid a digital buffet before me and who am I to resist.

So here I sit, writing this in the small breaks between stumbling. I haven’t showered or shaved in three days and the lower half of my body has fallen asleep. But I have to read Zoomer33’s profile and then stumble pages about Nigerian oil wells.

So, dear reader, if you don’t hear from me for a few days know that I’ll be on StumbleUpon. Out here in blog-o-dome.

I wanted to address a few questions  that I have received from you gentle reader. Actualy I’m just way to lazy and this will answer about 67 emails at once.

1. Google sucks and I have cleaned the blog a bit so you all won’t have to look at them. I have over 250,000 page views in the last 3 months and google paid me a hefty $100.19. From now on I will just sell ad space.If interested contact me at monkeychapps@yahoo.com.

2. I very much appreciate the offers to write for your blog/zine/newsletter/Christmas card. I have done so in the past with varying results. Mostly the conversation consisted  of ” your post sucked” and I reply “you read my blog before you asked me to write for you then paid me the princely sum of $0″.

In the future you may re-post anything you want as long I get a link.

3. You all rock! The lovers and the haters. You all got in the mix and aired your views. I love it! You indeed have monkee spirit.

I have seen Mr. Paul a few times, seems like a nice guy. A little too libertarian for my taste, I tend to lean to the right of the right. For example, that El Ducce had some good ideas.

I digress.

The reason that I wont vote for him (besides the fact I am convicted felon and cant vote, it was a silly pyramid scam involving sheep and nacho cheese) nor listen to him any longer is his supporters. Never have I been inundated with so many spam emails and people that hear his name at a party and run over to me, wipe the foam from their mouth and launch into a 20 minute diatribe(with graphs and pie charts) about how he’ll change America. I inform them that his candidacy ended months ago and then some switch kicks off in their head and they shift into why we should write him in.

After a few courtesy minutes of listening to them I simply ask if they will give me $1000 if I vote for him. They always say no and I always say that they need to re-think their commitment to his candidacy when they wont give a grand to insure a vote for him. I ask if they were really on board wouldn’t they do whatever it takes to ensure that this great country will change under a Paul administration. I ask if they hold their marriage vows as sacred as their political. I ask this in front of their wife.

It ends the conversation and usually sparks a fight within the couple, a fight that I then spend the next hour watching.

-Walmat has a huge parking lot

-Walmart’s parking lot is empty at 2 in the morning

-Walmart does nothing to clear the ice away

-My car has front wheel drive and a killer e-brake

-At 20 mph I can spin my car in a full circle

-After 30 minutes of doing e-brake spins in a Walmart parking lot the police will be called

-Police are very nice if your honest with them and admit to just “farting around”

-Even though you seem to have a good rapport with a police man it is unwise to comment to him “that’s a nice gun! Do they make a model for men?”

-There seems to be no hard and fast rule for when the police may use a taser

-Tasers may make you pee your own pants

Dont tase me bro!

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
———————————–
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

Dear Sir,

If you’ve been holding your breath for The A-Team movie, well, I feel sorry for you.

But help is on the way for you and your oxygen-deprived brain. So just hold on. Until June 12. Of next year. Feel better? You should, actually.

The release date, as reported by Variety, is the first for the long-discussed, long-suffering project.

John Singleton, who last yelled cut on Four Brothers, will direct; Michael Bandt and Derek Haas, who helped shoot the lights out with 3:10 to Yuma, are writing the screenplay.

As reported, the movie will follow the basic recipe of the 1983-87 TV series: Take four ex-military men; add one war crime they didn’t commit; mix in chases, pursuits and more chases.

Given the source material, Singleton has promised an action movie, a serious action movie—”wall to wall kicking ass and talking s–t,” as he put it to Collider.com. The film presently is sans actors, A-list, B-team or otherwise, as Singleton himself has made very clear.

“I don’t know who is in the cast yet, so all this bulls–t of who is saying who is this person and who is [this person],” Singleton told Collider.com.

Singleton did allow that he “really, really want[s]” Woody Harrelson to play “Howling Mad” Murdoch, the sanity challenged pilot given life on the TV series by Dwight Schultz.

In the interview, conducted in January, Singleton sounded a lot like a man who’s been a little bit hounded by fans demanding to know who’s going to play Mr. T.

“Nobody is playing Mr. T—the character’s name is B.A. Baracus,” the filmmaker reminded.

And, no, before you bother Mr. Singleton again, B.A. Baracus hasn’t been cast yet, either. Ice Cube, however, has thrown his Mohawk into the ring.

“Hell yeah,” the Barbershop multitasker recently told blackfilm.com when asked if he’d consider copping a “Bad Attitude,” as it were, “especially with John Singleton directing!”

And, yes, we know Ice Cube doesn’t really have a Mohawk to throw into a ring. But that could change.

“I wouldn’t try to duplicate what Mr. T did,” he told the Website. “I’m going to bring my own flavor to it, and I am going to do the Mohawk.”

The race seems wide open for the roles of Col. “Hannibal” Smith, the disguise-handy ringleader, and the smooth-talking “Face” Peck, played on the TV series by the late George Peppard and the still-plugging-away Dirk Benedict, respectively.

Even with the cast undetermined, an announced director and a release date marks the furthest along the movie has gotten since the project started raising hopes nearly 10 years ago amid a spate of TV-to-film conversions, à la Charlie’s Angels, The Mod Squad and Wild Wild West. Per the calendar keepers at the Internet Movie Database, on June 12, 2009, the big-screen A-Team will go head-to-head with an Eddie Murphy comedy called NowhereLand. Which is about where The A-Team movie used to live.

No, this is the good one!

Thats the joke I like to play on those that seem a bit uncomfortable asking me about my eye. Its actually a replaced cornea that was badly scarred. I wish I had a good story about how it happened like I was injured trying to find Ossama Bin Laden or it was injured during a fight with ghost pirates. Alas nothing as glamorous. The iris is stretched and it looks like a cat eye. I usually hear “thats cool” and I reply with my old standard ” how cool, cool enough for you to want to give me cash/ make out/ wash my car”? No takers yet, but I am patient. I digress.

The shape of the eye sometime give an ominous look leading people to think that I am scowling at them. I found out this was known as the stink/skunk/evil eye. My usual jocularity and silly antics put people at ease and I no longer am placed in the “mean guy” category. With that said I will now retell a story, a story of pain. A story of disgust and trauma only seen by trauma surgeons and homicide detectives.

It was a glorious spring day. A day that could put the most devout curmudgeon and Nair-do-well in the best of spirits. A day when I took no offense at doing one of my least favorite chores. Mowing the lawn. I hate all the prep work and extras that one does just to cut grass. Shovel poop, empty the catcher, fill the garbage bags and so on. I call shenanigans on all that! I’m a free spirit! I will just forgo the catcher and that other drudgery that keeps me from the sweet sweet smell of fresh cut grass.

I mow. I mow sans catcher(the little rocks that gently pelt my shins are not bad). The grass will fly out the catcher attachment, dry up and blow away. No problem. I mow over the dog doody. It’ll scatter all over and not be a problem.

Halfway though I see a pile, take aim and run over it. I never thought a piece of poo could exit the catcher hole, catch the wind and hit me. The odds of that are huge. Even greater are the odds of that same poo making that turn, catching an updraft and flying at my eye! The stink eye non the less. It was like a scene from the matrix only with dog poo. It was horrible and I still carry the scars. What I can’t figure out is why I felt running around like a mad man yelling “poo” would help me.

So now when I am asked about my “stink eye” I do have a good story.

Are we done with the  pennies yet?

Because it is time. The American public hasn’t been using them for about a decade. They have become so worthless, that people give them to each other as a matter of routine. Get your change, pick out the pennies, and leave them there for the next guy. Need a penny or two? Well, there should be a few there for you, because the last guy sure didn’t want his. That’s the game.

I hate when stores don’t want to play by the game. If a store doesn’t have a little tray, I am immediately annoyed. The hell if I’m fishing another dollar out of my pants because it came to $5.02. When that cash register rings up $5.02 and you look at me, we’re fixing to have a long staredown. I’ll return an item before I break another dollar and let you give me three more of the damn things in return. And that item probably had a profit margin of at least $.03 to you, so who’s the loser now? Get it? As long as they’re still around, you better play by the game.

When there is no tray, my normal routine has become to fish through my change and immediately pick them out and deposit them into the trash. Not only are they worthless, but they are disgusting, and I’m not carrying them around. Most have been in circulation for 20 years, and as the stepchild of your change purse, they have been given no love. They live in ashtrays, parking lots, and huge jars owned by 72 year old men who remember when they were worth something. Old copper is gross enough to start with. Add to the fact that they are covered in gum and crap and filth, and you need to wash your hands every time one touches you.

Think about this: a stamp costs $0.37. 37 pennies weigh 6 ounces. It takes about two stamps to mail 6 ounces of stuff. Therefore, if I wanted to mail someone 37 cents in pennies, it would cost me 74 cents. By my definition, it’s pretty clear cut. When a monetary unit can’t afford to mail itself, it’s worthless. Don’t get all cocky either, nickels…….you aren’t far behind. (I don’t really know how much 37 pennies weigh, that was just a guess. I have a scale in my garage, and would find out, but I can’t. I threw out all my pennies. Just trust me though….I’m right on this general principal. I know by instinct that they can’t mail themselves.)

Vending machines won’t even take them. They hired engineers to assure that any penny which entered the slot would be immediately routed straight to the change opening. Think about the engineering involved. Dimes, which are smaller than pennies, go right into the till, but they had to create some sort of mechanism that would sort out and eliminate any penny that enters the machine, lest they get involved with the REAL money that is in there, and gross it all up.

Have you ever tried to give one to a bum? Seriously. I almost got in a fight in Phoenix over the fact that I gave a bum some pennies. The man had no home, was hungry, cold, and hopeless, yet when I gave him a handful of pennies, he tried to spit on me. Fortunately, his lack of front teeth seriously affected his aiming abilities and I easily dodged the saliva-based projectile, but nonetheless.

Isn’t this enough evidence for Alan Greenspan and the Fed to say enough is enough? I now summarize my case:

1. Pennies are considered worthless, even by homeless people
2. Pennies are disgusting
3. Pennies can’t even mail themselves
4. Americans are actually giving them to strangers, like some nationwide game of hot potato
5. Vending machines are even too smart to take them. Their job is to take money, not pennies.

Case Closed. Please, Federal Reserve, I beg you. End the game.

I’m done with the stinking pennies.

It has been said that the run for the presidency is akin to a beauty contest. Clinton an McCain are the exception to this rule. One political pollster has been quoted as saying “I’m so happy that Americans can look beyond physical beauty and vote for people that are truly unfortunate looking”.

John McCain was quoted as saying ” My friends, bla bla terrorism bla bla I am a conservative. No realy I am” before this picture was taken.

Mrs Clinton was herd saying ” Just look at him, he’s like an angry Popeye”.

After the comment by Mrs.Clinton John McCain changd all of his pre-aproved TV ads to this picture.

After that picture ran in 32 cities a poll was taken of Democratic voters asking why they had changed thier votes to Obama. 82% answered that they feared that Hillary would eat their children.

politics