As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.
I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!
I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.
“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.
I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.
Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.
20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.
The first day you did this, I thought someone had burned a Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak in the microwave. The second day, I stupidly asked you if you smelled “that vile odorâ€.
You blushed and said, “I have this little problem when I am stressed, excited, or eat a lot of protein in the mornings…†and thus began the stinkfest
.
Listen, can’t you lay off the protein bars and egg whites and ostrich sausage in the mornings? Can you eat them, say, at lunch or at night, and torture your family and pets with the stench?
I am tired of burning candles in my cubicle like I’m some kind of Wiccan trying to ward off the Samhain Fart Satyr. I dread bringing you my paperwork because I don’t always hear you and sometimes I am very unpleasantly surprised by the greasy cloud that surrounds your work area.
I really like you. You’re a great boss. You pay me well and gave me a chance. But this has to stop before I burst a blood vessel in my eye from holding my breath when I come close to you. See a gastroenterological specialist already; I’ll even make the appointment!
Hurry, I’m lowering my standards faster than I can violate them.
Its a crazy blowout sale of hygiene/moral/personal or religious standards.
20 years older than me? Not a problem!
Morbidly(not just chubby) obese? Great!
Missing a few teeth? Who isn’t?
Sores and lesions? OK!
No job? You’re a free spirit baby!
Sit around all day watching TV? Broadening your horizons!
Schizophrenic/OCD/ just plane loco? I say crazy in the head crazy in the bed!
5 children from 6 guys? I know you’ll put out!
No social graces? Graces/smaces!
Sleep around? Hoo Raa
Never cook? Double Hoo Raa
Never clean? Awesome!
Break a sweet walking to the kitchen? Let me bring that big mac too you!
Ugly at a post? Beauty is only skin deep!
Use sex as a weapon? Gotta use what God gave you!
From yahoo news http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080424/ap_on_fe_st/odd_blind_defense
Thu Apr 24, 5:54 PM ET
INDIANAPOLIS - A legally blind man beat up an intruder and held him at knifepoint until police arrived at the man’s eastside home, authorities said. Allan Kieta, 49, told police he was at home Monday morning when his small dog began barking and he encountered the man.
“I opened the door and just ran into him. I had him pinned in the laundry room and just kept pummeling,” said Kieta, a former wrestler in high school.
He said he grabbed the intruder by the belt and dragged him into the kitchen, where he put a knife at the man’s throat and tried to dial 911.
“Being visually impaired, I couldn’t get the buttons because I was using my left hand,” he said. “It took me about 20 tries.”
Police arrived within minutes and arrested Alvaro Castro, 25, on an initial charge of residential entry, Sgt. Matthew Mount said.
Lt. Jeff Duhamell was impressed with Kieta’s feat.
“Its pretty remarkable for anyone thats blind to be able to defend themselves, let alone make an apprehension,” Duhamell said. “To be able to grab this guy and hold him down until police got there is pretty remarkable.”
Castro, who was initially taken to the Wishard Memorial Hospital detention facility, denied trying to burglarize the home and said he was a former boyfriend of Kieta’s daughter and was trying to visit her, said Mount.
Kieta said Castro told him he was looking for his cat.
“I go, ‘Your cat? You’re in my house!’” Kieta recalled.
Castro was transferred to the Marion County Jail on Monday night.
Kieta said he suffered swollen hands and a sore back, but no serious injuries.
“When my wife was cleaning the blood off, she said, ‘I think it’s all his,’” Kieta said.
No. What I am is thinker and a scripture-aficionado. An old testament enthusiast if you will.
As I stood in Macdonald’s (kindly explaining that their motto of “have it your way” should include cooking my burger with the fries already on it) the mystery of the final battle between good and evil became clear to me. The simp in the paper hat told me “Thats Burger King’s motto” and asked why I wasn’t wearing pants or shoes in 20 degree weather. I told him it was neither here nor there and I will take my business elsewhere, good day sir.
I said good day!
As I left I saw a young lady open her laptop and a Google search box popped up. Nothing out of the ordinary, I use Google as well. I used to use yahoo. What made me switch? Usually these questions are drummed out of my head by new questions that replace them like “What is the meaning of life” , “what really lead to my hatred of Canadians” or “where, indeed, is the beef” ?
I thought about all these questions, did hours of research and ate a box of steak-ums. This is what I found and I would like you to draw your own conclusions.
1- Yahoo is a pronunciation of the name of God. Yawee, Yahu or Yawoo. I have heard it pronounced in all of these ways.
2- Google starts with a G. The seventh letter of the alphabet. The Jewish alphabet has only 25 letters that we have in the English alphabet thereby making G the sixth letter in their alphabet. As in 666.
3- If you a eat a box of steak-ums in one sitting you will get a tape-worm.
4- Naming said tapeworm Mr. Bubbles in no way lessens the harm that the tapeworm might do.
5-Many Bible scholars have postulated that the anti-christ might be a thing not a person as previously thought.  A decever that is very pervasive. Yes, some have thought that the internet might be that anti-christ.
So, dear reader, I ask you is the internet the Armageddon that the Bible foretells?
Now before you get all crazy and start jumping around like a monkey yelling that I know nothing and that Armageddon is a place not an idea and Armageddon is actually a Greek word for hill or mountain (Har) that overlooks the valley of Meggedo west of the Jordan river stop and realize that most of the Bible stories that we all know are parables. Do not get hung up on the details and forgo the deeper meaning.
With that said, I know that most of my posts are very light hearted and silly.I wish to stir the pot a bit, I wish to have civil discourse with you all. Basically I want you to participate. I find your comments lively and though full. I know that religion is a heated topic but indulge me. If this topic is too tame for some let me leave you with this.
Everyone but protestants are heretics.
The earth is only 12,000 years old.
Mormonism is totally made up by horny old men that want to sleep with many women and say “God told me it was OK”.
From now on dinosaurs will be know as Jesus horses.
