Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

I wanted to address a few questions  that I have received from you gentle reader. Actualy I’m just way to lazy and this will answer about 67 emails at once.

1. Google sucks and I have cleaned the blog a bit so you all won’t have to look at them. I have over 250,000 page views in the last 3 months and google paid me a hefty $100.19. From now on I will just sell ad space.If interested contact me at monkeychapps@yahoo.com.

2. I very much appreciate the offers to write for your blog/zine/newsletter/Christmas card. I have done so in the past with varying results. Mostly the conversation consisted  of ” your post sucked” and I reply “you read my blog before you asked me to write for you then paid me the princely sum of $0″.

In the future you may re-post anything you want as long I get a link.

3. You all rock! The lovers and the haters. You all got in the mix and aired your views. I love it! You indeed have monkee spirit.

My goal is complete! I am now #4 in Google when you search for “tingle crotch”. This was my whole reason for creating this blog. Thank you for helping me get there. Now I can shut this puppy down and move on.

This is a list of other search terms that land me in the top 10.

1 Want her

2 Tell my twin sister

3 how to get her back

4 poo problems

5 stinkeye

6 purelica (no idea)

7 nerdy pick up lines

8 poem binary

9 what nut dis Lance Armstrong loose

10 “his bladder”  “crossing his legs”

11 letter from aliens

12 punch in the face do to you

13 Hillary Clinton pick up lines 

I bid you all a fond fair thee well!

Monkee out

Why Monkee, you are such a hater!

Damn straight baby.

Let me break it down for you.

I believe Canada is the Aqua Man in the justice league of North America. The Duplo block in a world full of Lego’s.

Worthless!

You may ask why I say this, consider the following.

1. Half of them speak French! That alone is enough to hate the whole of the country.

2. They have added nothing to world culture, except for the wearing of black socks and sandals.

3. They have a political system just this side of communism.

4. During the Viet Nam war they opened their arms to our hippies and draft dodgers.

5. I have heard that they eat puppies and fart on our flag.

When I lived in Boise ,a few years ago, I got wind that they were planning a week long party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the draft dodger and the influx of dirty hippies into their country. Then I saw a report on the mass exodus of some 8000 middle-aged hippies that wanted to relive the time that they sat in Canada, smoked pot and talked about “The Man” whilst their neighbors were in south  east Asia fighting.

I could not let this lie, not when I was a scant few hundred miles from this twisted fiesta. I made a few phone calls and hit the road.

I sat, just few hundred miles north of the Canadian border, in my rented ice cream truck. I saw my comrades huddled of in the distance awaiting the signal. I waited until the hippies were nice and stoned, and in the middle of there dirt bag bacchanalia.

The fireworks started.

Literally!

I cranked the speakers on the ice cream truck and played a few tracks from “Apocalypse Now” intermingled with a little “Full Metal Jacket” as I shot fireworks at them. As this was going on the local theater troop that I had hired ran through the crowd wearing black pajamas and sampan hats yelling “di di mau”.

This had the desired effect and dare I say it must been the “Brown noise” to all hippies because all of the strawberry kush and petrulli oil in the world couldn’t cover the smell of 8000 thousand dirty hippies crapping their pants in unison.

Looking back I feel some remorse for what I did. I felt a twinge of guilt on my drive back to Boise. The guilt subsided as the thought of warmer temperatures, normal footwear and how great the USA is wafted into my head.

Every now and then I hear the Canadian national anthem and the thought of soiled underwear and  petrulli oil make me smile.

Rock on you dirty hippy bastards.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

Dear Sir,

I hate the French!

Ya that’s right, I said it.

I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).

Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.

Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.

Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.

Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.

I leave you with this and you may decide.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

Monkee out

What else could go wrong?

Auto-immune disorder that causes me to get painful boils every now and then, been there.

Losing everything that I owned in the last year , child’s play.

Losing my hair and then getting ringworm on my bald head?

That’s a new one. Wow, thats pretty messed up. I didn’t see that one coming. Is he testing me? Why ringworm on a bald scalp? I picture there is a box of ailments and another of body parts to apply them to and he pulls a card from each and yells “uno”. I know that none of this is true but it paints a weird picture and I need something to take my mind of the fact that I have RINGWORM ON MY SCALP!

I tell my twin sister (yes I have a twin sister.So what of it? Why are making a big fuss about it? Wanna fight?) and she says it could have come from anywhere. At least thats what I think she said, I was busy rocking back and forth crying. She also told me my dry skin might be a factor and the my dog probably picked it up at the groomers (thats right, the dog groomers. You calling me gay or something? Wanna fight?) and then gave it to me.

She gave me some bath salts (don’t start with the gay thing again) to use and told me that it is a product that her and her friends sell. Its a mixture of tea tree oil, dead sea salt and a few other things. I asked her if she was calling me gay and if she wanted to fight. She said no and this is the same stuff that people pay hundreds for at health spas but her and her friends just want an economical way to get this. She handed me a frilly jar of this and said to use a few ounces in the tub.

I used it and my skin feels great. The ring worm is almost gone. Besides the Will and Grace looking jar it comes in, I love this stuff!

My point is this, I’m a fortunate man! I have fantastic siblings. They married wonderful spouses and they gave me a plethora of nieces and nephews that are funny and silly and are true gifts. I have it good, in fact we all do. We all spend way too much time bitching and lamenting the shallow and vain unimportant things that we think will make our lives better.

Take a moment, look back. Remind yourself how far you have come.

Monkee out