Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

I wanted to address a few questions  that I have received from you gentle reader. Actualy I’m just way to lazy and this will answer about 67 emails at once.

1. Google sucks and I have cleaned the blog a bit so you all won’t have to look at them. I have over 250,000 page views in the last 3 months and google paid me a hefty $100.19. From now on I will just sell ad space.If interested contact me at monkeychapps@yahoo.com.

2. I very much appreciate the offers to write for your blog/zine/newsletter/Christmas card. I have done so in the past with varying results. Mostly the conversation consisted  of ” your post sucked” and I reply “you read my blog before you asked me to write for you then paid me the princely sum of $0″.

In the future you may re-post anything you want as long I get a link.

3. You all rock! The lovers and the haters. You all got in the mix and aired your views. I love it! You indeed have monkee spirit.

My goal is complete! I am now #4 in Google when you search for “tingle crotch”. This was my whole reason for creating this blog. Thank you for helping me get there. Now I can shut this puppy down and move on.

This is a list of other search terms that land me in the top 10.

1 Want her

2 Tell my twin sister

3 how to get her back

4 poo problems

5 stinkeye

6 purelica (no idea)

7 nerdy pick up lines

8 poem binary

9 what nut dis Lance Armstrong loose

10 “his bladder”  “crossing his legs”

11 letter from aliens

12 punch in the face do to you

13 Hillary Clinton pick up lines 

I bid you all a fond fair thee well!

Monkee out

Why Monkee, you are such a hater!

Damn straight baby.

Let me break it down for you.

I believe Canada is the Aqua Man in the justice league of North America. The Duplo block in a world full of Lego’s.

Worthless!

You may ask why I say this, consider the following.

1. Half of them speak French! That alone is enough to hate the whole of the country.

2. They have added nothing to world culture, except for the wearing of black socks and sandals.

3. They have a political system just this side of communism.

4. During the Viet Nam war they opened their arms to our hippies and draft dodgers.

5. I have heard that they eat puppies and fart on our flag.

When I lived in Boise ,a few years ago, I got wind that they were planning a week long party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the draft dodger and the influx of dirty hippies into their country. Then I saw a report on the mass exodus of some 8000 middle-aged hippies that wanted to relive the time that they sat in Canada, smoked pot and talked about “The Man” whilst their neighbors were in south  east Asia fighting.

I could not let this lie, not when I was a scant few hundred miles from this twisted fiesta. I made a few phone calls and hit the road.

I sat, just few hundred miles north of the Canadian border, in my rented ice cream truck. I saw my comrades huddled of in the distance awaiting the signal. I waited until the hippies were nice and stoned, and in the middle of there dirt bag bacchanalia.

The fireworks started.

Literally!

I cranked the speakers on the ice cream truck and played a few tracks from “Apocalypse Now” intermingled with a little “Full Metal Jacket” as I shot fireworks at them. As this was going on the local theater troop that I had hired ran through the crowd wearing black pajamas and sampan hats yelling “di di mau”.

This had the desired effect and dare I say it must been the “Brown noise” to all hippies because all of the strawberry kush and petrulli oil in the world couldn’t cover the smell of 8000 thousand dirty hippies crapping their pants in unison.

Looking back I feel some remorse for what I did. I felt a twinge of guilt on my drive back to Boise. The guilt subsided as the thought of warmer temperatures, normal footwear and how great the USA is wafted into my head.

Every now and then I hear the Canadian national anthem and the thought of soiled underwear and  petrulli oil make me smile.

Rock on you dirty hippy bastards.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

Dear Sir,

I hate the French!

Ya that’s right, I said it.

I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).

Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.

Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.

Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.

Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.

I leave you with this and you may decide.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

Monkee out

What else could go wrong?

Auto-immune disorder that causes me to get painful boils every now and then, been there.

Losing everything that I owned in the last year , child’s play.

Losing my hair and then getting ringworm on my bald head?

That’s a new one. Wow, thats pretty messed up. I didn’t see that one coming. Is he testing me? Why ringworm on a bald scalp? I picture there is a box of ailments and another of body parts to apply them to and he pulls a card from each and yells “uno”. I know that none of this is true but it paints a weird picture and I need something to take my mind of the fact that I have RINGWORM ON MY SCALP!

I tell my twin sister (yes I have a twin sister.So what of it? Why are making a big fuss about it? Wanna fight?) and she says it could have come from anywhere. At least thats what I think she said, I was busy rocking back and forth crying. She also told me my dry skin might be a factor and the my dog probably picked it up at the groomers (thats right, the dog groomers. You calling me gay or something? Wanna fight?) and then gave it to me.

She gave me some bath salts (don’t start with the gay thing again) to use and told me that it is a product that her and her friends sell. Its a mixture of tea tree oil, dead sea salt and a few other things. I asked her if she was calling me gay and if she wanted to fight. She said no and this is the same stuff that people pay hundreds for at health spas but her and her friends just want an economical way to get this. She handed me a frilly jar of this and said to use a few ounces in the tub.

I used it and my skin feels great. The ring worm is almost gone. Besides the Will and Grace looking jar it comes in, I love this stuff!

My point is this, I’m a fortunate man! I have fantastic siblings. They married wonderful spouses and they gave me a plethora of nieces and nephews that are funny and silly and are true gifts. I have it good, in fact we all do. We all spend way too much time bitching and lamenting the shallow and vain unimportant things that we think will make our lives better.

Take a moment, look back. Remind yourself how far you have come.

Monkee out

Recently, I started getting a boatload of these emails - so I decided to fight back….

Subject: Be Bless.

DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER’S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN’S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Luke
Hazzard County, USA

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giveing me to fix it.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your email. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

DEAREST BO

Many days has passed and I still have not hear from you. Please send $4,000 to kepp the account open from the steel company can you afford that? That is the only way we can proceed on this transaction.

MR ADUKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa!  I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus  put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our chopps, but, we are just the good ol’ boys, Never meanin’ no harm, Beats all you’ve ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin’ their way, The only way they know how,That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”  See now I’m thinking maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my soul in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Now I’d like that. But that isnt the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They are Mr. Bobba Fett and Mr. Darth Vader (of the Siths) about my transactions.

I Love you,

Bo Luke

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve Mr Sith. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of it. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t really bear”. I liked INXS, though.

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

Dear Aduku,

This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke

Religion, probably the most heated subject there is. Most of my friends are Christians (the real kind, not like Mormons).

To get this out of the way, we do not

a. Handle snakes

b.Bounce around while jabbering

c.Yell “devil out!” while hitting other parishioners on the forehead.

My church in calm and pretty low key. I just want a teacher as opposed to a “preacher”. The twelve disciples called Jesus by the moniker “teacher” not preacher, I believe that is telling.

As for my friends that aren’t Christians, well that’s ok. I don’t preach to them and if they are ok with burning in hell for all time who am I to judge. Heres the deal, get a teacher. Youll know one because his/her teachings with magnify the Word not sound like a bizzaro interpritation of it aimed at your money.

With that said, please enjoy a compilation of my favorite “preachers”.

I am a 33 yo man who has been dating a wonderfull girl for a year. The only problem is that I cant stop looking at other women. I like her but I like to look as well. I have only cheated on her a few times. Is this normal?

Bill “Bubba” A