Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

I found this and wish to share. I myself am not a father but have three wonderful sisters and 5 lovely nieces. I have been accused of being overly protective but why else would God give me big muscles a menacing stare and a great knowledge of the legal system if not for their safety.  Did you know that the phrase ” I  repeated hit  him in the face with a flat iron because I was in fear for my safety” will let you walk free in most states?

http://www.smilespedia.com/10-simple-rules-for-dating-my-daughter-2/

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

StumbleUpon?

Whats that?

Another social media group that you want me to join? I already have 12 to keep track of. What is so different about this one? Oh, it has a cool tool bar. That’s great. Look dude I’m drowning here as it is I don’t want a new site that’ll give me a few hits a day. Ok I’ll join, stop crying and throwing chairs at me.

That was the conversation that I had with a friend of mine. The day after I joined I installed the tool bar. I was amazed at how easy it was to share a website that I liked with a friend, kinda cool.

Then one of my pages was stumbled. 600 hits in 3 hours, I was hooked. I stumbled a few pages from a site that I usually go to and saw that they were reviewed dozens of times. Cool, there are people with some of the same interests. The I started stumbling posts that others submitted that’s when I was hooked. I can’t stop, there is so much out there on the compu-web that I have never seen. My new friends at SU have laid a digital buffet before me and who am I to resist.

So here I sit, writing this in the small breaks between stumbling. I haven’t showered or shaved in three days and the lower half of my body has fallen asleep. But I have to read Zoomer33’s profile and then stumble pages about Nigerian oil wells.

So, dear reader, if you don’t hear from me for a few days know that I’ll be on StumbleUpon. Out here in blog-o-dome.

I don’t like to use other peoples bathrooms.There, I said it.

But even though I don’t like doing it, I realize that I can’t always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I’m at your house, I’ve got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a “perceived level of comfort” that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call “calculated risk assessment”.

Allow me to explain:

If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I’ll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, “because I have to wash my hands.” I may in fact be washing my hands, but I’m also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.

When I’m in your bathroom, here’s what I’m checking out:
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I usually take a pee in the toilet and flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?Note: if it can’t take down my yellow, it ain’t taking down my brown.I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.

I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the faucet and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I’m doing my business.
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This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I’m making.Note: If you don’t have a fan, you better have a window. If you don’t have either, I’m sorry, but I’m just not gonna be able to use your bathroom to make a deposit.
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It is very important that I don’t mistake a Heat Lamp for a Ceiling Fan. They both make noise, which is good, but as we’ve learned, a Ceiling Fan also sucks away foul odors. A Heat Lamp simply bakes the odor, thus exacerbating the problem.Note: Using a Heat Lamp solely for its noise making ability while using a window, or other device (to be discussed), to eliminate baked butt-smell, is acceptable, but not ideal.

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I’m always pleased when I see a book of matches on the back of the toilet. I don’t know how lighting a match nullifies poop-stench, but I don’t question it too much for fear it will one day stop working.Note: Always flush matches. Do not put them in the trash can or the fact that you’re dumping in someone else’s house may suddenly be the least of your problems. I learned this hard way and please believe me when I tell you that you really don’t want to be frantically trying to extinguish flames and frantically trying to pull your pants up at the same time.

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Air Freshener is completely worthless. If I see this in your bathroom, it tells me one thing, and one thing only:You like the smell of shit-covered flowers.If this is the case, I’ll be happy to oblige, but personally I’d rather smell the foulest poo-stink than some of the so-called air “fresheners” out there.

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I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll “over” or “under” is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I’m on the safe side.I don’t want to find out mid-crap that you’re out of toilet paper. I also don’t want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I’ve gone through the current supply. I don’t think you want this either.

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My single greatest fear in life is clogging a toilet in somebody else’s house and finding myself plunger-less. This fear is most likely the direct result of the time when I clogged a toilet in somebody else’s house and found myself plungerless. (This was on a first date with a hot chick and I ended up having to get very creative with a two-liter bottle of coke… nevermind, it’s too painful to think about.)I think it goes without saying that the only thing more embarrassing than taking a crap at someone else’s house, is sheepishly emerging from the bathroom to ask the host if they own a plunger.A plunger is a must, people. Put it next to the toilet or under the sink or anywhere in the bathroom for that matter. I’ll find it if I need it. Believe me.

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At home, I often times get comfortable on the throne with a good novel. I sometimes read many chapters and stay in the bathroom for ridiculously long periods of time. One time, I swear to god of your parents choice, I spent three full hours in the bathroom reading Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead”. You do not want me in your bathroom for that long, trust me. But please, some magazines and such would be nice. Something that’s easy to read and not too long - Readers Digest is perfect. Anything pornographic is a bad idea.One time, I was dumping at someone’s house and they had a “Kid’s Guide to Anatomy” complete with large, full-color illustrations. I read all about the excretory system while I was excreting… and it blew my mind.

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Now, some of you may be asking, “Why would I have a vested interest in making you feel comfortable pooping in my bathroom?”

I’ll tell you why.

When I am not able to release my bowels, I get tense, nervous, standoff-ish, irritable, sweaty, etc. In other words, I am no longer the life of the party. When I become an introvert, it can have a real detrimental effect on the social scene in your house.

Case in point: One time I was at an apartment shared by three girls. They fed me Thai food which–surprise!–made me have to shit. Badly. Unfortunately for these three girls (and other house guests), when I went into their bathroom to “wash my hands” I came to the conclusion, through “calculated risk assessment”, that the “perceived level of comfort” in their bathroom was FAR below my acceptable standards.

The net effect was that, not only was I unable to crap, but in the eyes of most of the people in the house, I became “no fun.”

Well I got news for you - it’s awfully hard to be “fun” when every poke, tickle, and hug has the potential to unleash a gaseous, party-stopping fury.

Look, I think we can all agree on the fact that there’s nothing like your own toilet, an empty house, and all the free time in the world… which is why it should be common courtesy to provide guests in your home with a “foreigner friendly” environment in which to take care of business.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

Are we done with the  pennies yet?

Because it is time. The American public hasn’t been using them for about a decade. They have become so worthless, that people give them to each other as a matter of routine. Get your change, pick out the pennies, and leave them there for the next guy. Need a penny or two? Well, there should be a few there for you, because the last guy sure didn’t want his. That’s the game.

I hate when stores don’t want to play by the game. If a store doesn’t have a little tray, I am immediately annoyed. The hell if I’m fishing another dollar out of my pants because it came to $5.02. When that cash register rings up $5.02 and you look at me, we’re fixing to have a long staredown. I’ll return an item before I break another dollar and let you give me three more of the damn things in return. And that item probably had a profit margin of at least $.03 to you, so who’s the loser now? Get it? As long as they’re still around, you better play by the game.

When there is no tray, my normal routine has become to fish through my change and immediately pick them out and deposit them into the trash. Not only are they worthless, but they are disgusting, and I’m not carrying them around. Most have been in circulation for 20 years, and as the stepchild of your change purse, they have been given no love. They live in ashtrays, parking lots, and huge jars owned by 72 year old men who remember when they were worth something. Old copper is gross enough to start with. Add to the fact that they are covered in gum and crap and filth, and you need to wash your hands every time one touches you.

Think about this: a stamp costs $0.37. 37 pennies weigh 6 ounces. It takes about two stamps to mail 6 ounces of stuff. Therefore, if I wanted to mail someone 37 cents in pennies, it would cost me 74 cents. By my definition, it’s pretty clear cut. When a monetary unit can’t afford to mail itself, it’s worthless. Don’t get all cocky either, nickels…….you aren’t far behind. (I don’t really know how much 37 pennies weigh, that was just a guess. I have a scale in my garage, and would find out, but I can’t. I threw out all my pennies. Just trust me though….I’m right on this general principal. I know by instinct that they can’t mail themselves.)

Vending machines won’t even take them. They hired engineers to assure that any penny which entered the slot would be immediately routed straight to the change opening. Think about the engineering involved. Dimes, which are smaller than pennies, go right into the till, but they had to create some sort of mechanism that would sort out and eliminate any penny that enters the machine, lest they get involved with the REAL money that is in there, and gross it all up.

Have you ever tried to give one to a bum? Seriously. I almost got in a fight in Phoenix over the fact that I gave a bum some pennies. The man had no home, was hungry, cold, and hopeless, yet when I gave him a handful of pennies, he tried to spit on me. Fortunately, his lack of front teeth seriously affected his aiming abilities and I easily dodged the saliva-based projectile, but nonetheless.

Isn’t this enough evidence for Alan Greenspan and the Fed to say enough is enough? I now summarize my case:

1. Pennies are considered worthless, even by homeless people
2. Pennies are disgusting
3. Pennies can’t even mail themselves
4. Americans are actually giving them to strangers, like some nationwide game of hot potato
5. Vending machines are even too smart to take them. Their job is to take money, not pennies.

Case Closed. Please, Federal Reserve, I beg you. End the game.

I’m done with the stinking pennies.

I’m not sure what I had eaten beforehand that would conspire to create such horrible gas reaction in my internal system. Normally, I giggle(in a manly way) like everyone else at the sound of a well timed or particularly creative fart. Not this time. No laughing matter. This was literally horrific.

I’m shopping alone in the canned vegetables isle at my local grocery store. My stomach churned loudly and I released what I though was a normal if not somewhat aggressive fart. I stood for a moment and sniffed, as we all instinctively do…and was instantly hit with an odor so strong that it took my breath away. I’m 35 years old and have smelled and dealt some pretty atrocious stinkbombs in my time. The magnitude of this flatus was worse (or better depending upon your frame of mind) than anything I had ever experienced. I began to run down the isle to escape and seek fresh air. I swear the fart was following me. A good thirty feet away, the nasty smell was as strong as at ground zero.
Imagine the potency. I did everything I could to hold down a projectile barf.

Then to my horror, as I looked back, a very old lady with a walker turned the corner and began to walk right toward the impact zone. Unless my eyesight was somehow distorted by the event I clearly saw a light green cloud hovering at ground zero. Before I could do anything, she entered the cloud and immediately staggered several steps back as if she walked into a brick wall, covered her mouth and dropped her handbag.

I retreated around the corner and out of sight, cringing like a little boy about to be bullied. I just couldn’t look. I’m a healthy man and it clearly over-powered me. I could only imagine what state she was in, especially if she was still trapped in that impact zone.

So I don’t know what eventually happened to that old lady. But I am truly very sorry. God forbid if she had a heart attack or suffered any long term disability. Hopefully she just got up, brushed herself off, sued the store and and is now living comfortably.

Me ? I’m OK. I have to live with my damaged karma and the thought that if I did it once it could happen again.

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS TO YOU IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I AM MRS MARY COLLINS JONES. A WIDOW TO LATE COLLINS A. BROWN I AM
64 YEARS OLD.

I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST. FROM ALL INDICATIONS, MY CONDITION IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON’T LIVE MORE THAN TWO MONTHS ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS. THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD’NT PRODUCES ANY CHILD.MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE PART OF THIS WEALTH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA, ASIA AND EUROPE.

I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT. I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF US$20.5m MILLION USD STATES DOLLARS TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING DOWN AT A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE. I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL SURE BE UTILIZED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.PLEASE CONTACT ME FOR MORE DIRECTIVES. NOTE: PLEASE DO CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: marycollins2007@sify.com

MRS MARY COLLINS JONES–

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am saddened by your story! You are the answer to my prayers as well! I like cheese!

I used to be a army ranger and am very resourceful. My friends face-man, BA Baracus and Hannibal would like to help. If you are in trouble and nobody can help and if you can find them you can hire the A team.

Hugs and kisses

HM Murdoch

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Dear Beloved,
I must say a very big thank you for your reply to my
email. I would have written you since but my condition have been bad on
me. I want you to act accordingly to this my wish so that God’s will
may be done. I want this fund to be used in the way of God. I want to
letyouknow that I prayed over it before contacting you, so I
stronglybelievethat you can handle it. I want you to know that I will be
givenmy fulltrust to you so please do not let me down. I will need you
to send to me your picture to know you better. I want you to know that i
am presently in the hospital on admission and my doctor says my
condition is critical and that I have a very short time to leave, All I
wish for now is to do something the lord will appreciate before I leave
this earth so please pray for me and act accordingly so that I can
witness the good work  use my funds for before I leave this earth.The
total sum of the funds to be giving to you immediately. After then,share
it to the less privileged and the homeless people in your society. I
want you to pray for me for God to erase my pains. My late husband
deposited this fund in custody of Security Company in London but was
moved to their corresponding office in Netherlands for safe keeping,My
lawyer will communicate with you as soon as I hear from you his name is
Gorger Edward to brief you more about this transition because my doctor
has told me not to striating myself so much because of the nature of the
sickness so feel free with my lawyer he is in position to handle the
transition with you.God bless you.
Mary Collins.

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am sorry that you will not have long to leave. I have some health issues as well, I am crazy. To get to the bank Ill have to escape the state hospital that I’m in. Hanibal usually helps me with that.

I want to help you but I have been bamboozled before. The guys that scammed me were full of slickery and con-foolery. Do you like cheese, I do.

I sent some picyures as well.

I love you, do you love me?

HM Murdoch

      

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Dear beloved, Thank you for your mail, and the picture you sent to me I have forwarded your contact to my lawyer Barrister Gorger Edward because he has every information regarding to this transaction so feel free to work with him and also he is going to contact you on your email addressplease up date me as soon as you hear from him.Thanks and God bless Mary Collins

 

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Dear Joan,

I will only deal with you! You need to send me a picture as well. Are you hot?

HM Murdoch

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Attention  Chris Chris,
 
Greetings from Barrister George Edward.
 
I barrister George Edward( Esq.), I wish to give you more
directions regarding to the fund being deposited in custody of a
security firm in Netherlands (HOLLAND) by my client late husband
Mrs. Mary Collins.
 
All the detailed information regarding to this transaction is with
me. You are required to travel to Holland immediately to claim the
consignment from the Security firm. As soon as you indicate your
willingness to travel to Netherlands to claim the consignments from
the security firm I will forward the information to you including
the Power of Attorney and the Pin Code to enable you to claim the
consignment from the Security firm without any hitch, because
without this required documents the Security firm will not attend
to you.
 
My client  Mary Collins. agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum
to you because of your effort , also all your expenditures towards
this transition in this very project will be deducted from the
total sum before you start executing the "PROJECT HUGSOMEONE" , as
soon as you clear the fund from the Security firm.
 
Please I will like you to furnish me with the following
information’s below.
 
1, Your full name and address
 
2, Your direct contact telephone for easy communication
 
3, Your age and occupation
 
As soon as I hear from you as we are going to agreed on email. I
will forward all your information to the firm in Netherland
(Holland) to enable them communicates with you.
 
I wait your urgent response,
 
Yours truly,
 
Barr. George  Edward (Esq.)

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George,

 

As reqested I will need a picture of you, I allready sent one.

 

HM Murdoch

Recently, I started getting a boatload of these emails - so I decided to fight back….

Subject: Be Bless.

DEAR SIR,

MY NAME IS MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, THE FIRST SON OF LATE MR NDIBEYA

OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA WHO DIED IN AN EAS BAC11 PLANE CRASH ON MAY, 4TH 2005.I HAVE JUST RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED BY MY LATE FATHER’S BANKING OFFICER THAT THE OLD MAN OPERATED A SECRET ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK INTO WHICH A TOTAL SUM OF SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$7,800,000) WAS TRANSFERED AND CREDITED IN HIS FAVOUR. I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED THAT 25% WILL BE YOUR SHARE FOR NOMINATING AN ACCOUNT FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ANY OTHER ASSISTANCE YOU GIVE IN THAT REGARD, 5% HAS BEEN SLATED FOR REIMBURSEMENT OF ALL LOCAL AND INTERNATIONL EXPENSES WHICH MAY BE INCURED IN THE TRANSFER PROCESS, AND 5% HAS BEEN CONCEDED TO THE LOCAL BANKING OFFICER HERE ASSISTING AND FACILITATING THE TRANSFER. FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN’S FUTURE. TO FACILITATE THE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, IF ACCEPTED, DO SEND TO ME PROMPTLY BY E-MAILLING THE FOLLOWING:

1.NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK. 2. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS THROUGH WHICH YOU WILL BE CONTACTED PROMPTLY BY ME FOR THE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WILL ASSIST ME, AND REMEMBER TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION VERY CONFIDENTIAL,NOTE THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Sir,

I don’t know who this other person you were writing to is , but, my name is Bo Duke. I operate a moonshine business with my brother, Luke. You might say that we are in the “distribution” business. I am interested in your proposal. I know a little about steel – as I have that album “british steel” by Judas Priest. Please tell me more.

Cincrely,

Bo Luke
Hazzard County, USA

DEAR BO

MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY. AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME. AS IHAV MENTION BEFORE OGEIBRI,AFORMER DIRECTOR OF ADMINISTRATION AND FINANCE IN THE ALADJA STEEL ROLLING MILL IN EFURUN NEAR WARRI, DELTA STATE OF NIGERIA DIED RECENTLY AND IT IS ONLY THROUGH OUTSIDE HELP THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO TRANFER THE FUNDS. FOR YOUR HELP MY COMPANY IS READY TO PART WITH 25% OF THE MONEY FOR YOUR HELP.

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Your proposal sounds pretty interesting. I want to help out. I have talked it over with Uncle Jesse and Luke and they think it is a very sound idea. Americans generally pride themselves on being knowledgeable about the outside world – but I have never heard of Nigeria. Is that in South America or something? Let me know. Also do they drive cars in South America? I have a badass car – it is called the general lee, you know after the civil war general – we fought for YOUR INDEPENDENCE. The doors don’t work that well, so I am going to use the money that you will be giveing me to fix it.

Gotta go – Dale Earnhardt is on!

DEAREST BO

Thank you for being so honest and open in your email. I pledge to you my loyalty. Finally, my good friend, I will like you to honest, sincere and confidential until the funds is transferred through the bank to your own bank. Please send your home phone number, and bank account number.

You can call me on my direct number:234-8023536230 anytime of the day for further discussion. I await your response.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

DEAREST BO

Many days has passed and I still have not hear from you. Please send $4,000 to kepp the account open from the steel company can you afford that? That is the only way we can proceed on this transaction.

MR ADUKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

I am sorry that it took so long to get back to you. Africa!  I guess I should say “G’Day Mate – Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!”

Anyways, I have spend the last few days in Jail. It seems that Damn Boss Hog had Sheriff Roscoe and Cletus  put a tail on me and Luke. We lost them for a while when we took that jump, but they caught us.

Daisy, my cousin, had to bail us out by. She is getting to be quite the young looker these days – I have attached a picture of her – She says that she always wanted to go to Africa because they have great skiing.

You know I don’t know why that damn Boss Hog is always busting our chopps, but, we are just the good ol’ boys, Never meanin’ no harm, Beats all you’ve ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Makin’ their way, The only way they know how,That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow.

Anyways – I fixed up the General lee with more “turbo power” – NOS. They were having a run on it at the Wal-Mart. Do they have Wal Marts in Africa?

PS are you Jewish?

Your brotha from anotha motha,

Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

I am very sorry to hear about your boss and the recnt Jail. I hope that you are ok and that your family is ok since you have been in the Jail. Ther is not Wal Mart in Nigeria. Your Cousin is a beautiful young lady. I am not Jewish, I am tsetse. It is very important that you send $4000. I will give you the bank name when you are ready. Please call me on my direct number:234-8023536230. I will like to discuss this matter in confidence with you. There are many peoples who are trying to get this money so we must move quickly.

Yours faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear ADUKU,

You read the bible? Well there’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”  See now I’m thinking maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Milimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my soul in the valley of darkness.

Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. Now I’d like that. But that isnt the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be a shepherd.

I think that I need to inform my lawyers about this. They are Mr. Bobba Fett and Mr. Darth Vader (of the Siths) about my transactions.

I Love you,

Bo Luke

Dear BO,

I read the bible but am very confused by this last email. I don’t know what you mean. Please call me I need to talk to you immediately and do not involve Mr Sith. It is important we keep this a secret. You can calls me anytime my direct number:234-8023536230. Also send the $4000 directly to Western Union office in Lagos Nigeria. Much time has passed and the account will closing soon, my friend.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI

Dear Aduku,

Or if that is your “REAL NAME” I think that this is a scam. Uncle Jesse says that he has never heard of “Lagos, Nigeria” I would appreciate it if you used your real name and real countries not “Nigeria”. I think that you are full of it. Also, I think that you guys “made up” Koala bears – those things aren’t really bear”. I liked INXS, though.

PS in my spare time, I like to build Lego models of Star Wars Episode IV - I have attached a picture of Han Solo and Greedo in the Bar on Tatooine - right before Han wastes Greedo. Is this weird?

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!

XOXO
Bo Luke

Dearest BO,

Your must belive me. This is not a scam, my dearest friend. I too love you, we must take this oportuniy when the iron is hot. Nigeria is a country in Africa and I assure you it is a real country – I have a master degree in finance from the univsreity of Lagos.

Please sent the money to Lagos Nigeria in the western Union office to my name and I will take care of things from here. I am a completey trustful person of good faith and read the bible everyday. You must believe me, my brother.

I Love you too.

Yours Faithfully,

MR ADAKU OGEIBRI, M.S.

Dear Aduku,

This was a total joke on You my Nigerian Friend! Thanks for the Laughs, its been real!

Peace out.

Bo and Luke Duke