Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Gentile reader,

As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!

I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.

“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.

I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.

Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.

20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.

I hate ADD.

Gotta go, I see something shiny.

Read the rest of this entry »

Am I a theologian?

A Bible scholar?

No. What I am is thinker and a scripture-aficionado. An old testament enthusiast if you will.

As I stood in Macdonald’s (kindly explaining that their motto of “have it your way” should include cooking my burger with the fries already on it) the mystery of the final battle between good and evil became clear to me. The simp in the paper hat told me “Thats Burger King’s motto” and asked why I wasn’t wearing pants or shoes in 20 degree weather. I told him it was neither here nor there and I will take my business elsewhere, good day sir.

I said good day!

As I left I saw a young lady open her laptop and a Google search box popped up. Nothing out of the ordinary, I use Google as well. I used to use yahoo. What made me switch? Usually these questions are drummed out of my head by new questions that replace them like “What is the meaning of life” , “what really lead to my hatred of Canadians” or “where, indeed, is the beef” ?

I thought about all these questions, did hours of research and ate a box of steak-ums. This is what I found and I would like you to draw your own conclusions.

1- Yahoo is a  pronunciation of the name of God. Yawee, Yahu or Yawoo. I have heard it pronounced in all of these ways.

2- Google starts with a G. The seventh letter of the alphabet. The Jewish alphabet has only 25 letters that we have in the English alphabet thereby making G the sixth letter in their alphabet. As in 666.

3- If you a eat a box of steak-ums in one sitting you will get a tape-worm.

4- Naming said tapeworm Mr. Bubbles in no way lessens the harm that the tapeworm might do.

5-Many Bible scholars have postulated that the anti-christ might be a thing not a person as previously thought.   A decever that is very pervasive. Yes, some have thought that the internet might be that anti-christ.

So, dear reader, I ask you is the internet the Armageddon that the Bible foretells?

Now before you get all crazy and start jumping around like a monkey yelling that I know nothing and that Armageddon is a place not an idea and Armageddon is  actually a Greek word for hill or mountain (Har) that overlooks the valley of Meggedo west of the Jordan river stop and realize that most of the Bible stories that we all know are parables. Do not get hung up on the details and forgo the deeper meaning.

With that said, I know that most of my posts are very light hearted and silly.I wish to stir the pot a bit, I wish to have civil discourse with you all. Basically I want you to participate. I find your comments lively and though full. I know that religion is a heated topic but indulge me. If this topic is too tame for some let me leave you with this.

Everyone but protestants are heretics.

The earth is only 12,000 years old.

Mormonism is totally made up by horny old men that want to sleep with many women and say “God told me it was OK”.

From now on dinosaurs will be know as Jesus horses.

Thank you for listening,

Discuss

I don’t like to use other peoples bathrooms.There, I said it.

But even though I don’t like doing it, I realize that I can’t always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I’m at your house, I’ve got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a “perceived level of comfort” that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call “calculated risk assessment”.

Allow me to explain:

If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I’ll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, “because I have to wash my hands.” I may in fact be washing my hands, but I’m also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.

When I’m in your bathroom, here’s what I’m checking out:
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I usually take a pee in the toilet and flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?Note: if it can’t take down my yellow, it ain’t taking down my brown.I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.

I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the faucet and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I’m doing my business.
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This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I’m making.Note: If you don’t have a fan, you better have a window. If you don’t have either, I’m sorry, but I’m just not gonna be able to use your bathroom to make a deposit.
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It is very important that I don’t mistake a Heat Lamp for a Ceiling Fan. They both make noise, which is good, but as we’ve learned, a Ceiling Fan also sucks away foul odors. A Heat Lamp simply bakes the odor, thus exacerbating the problem.Note: Using a Heat Lamp solely for its noise making ability while using a window, or other device (to be discussed), to eliminate baked butt-smell, is acceptable, but not ideal.

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I’m always pleased when I see a book of matches on the back of the toilet. I don’t know how lighting a match nullifies poop-stench, but I don’t question it too much for fear it will one day stop working.Note: Always flush matches. Do not put them in the trash can or the fact that you’re dumping in someone else’s house may suddenly be the least of your problems. I learned this hard way and please believe me when I tell you that you really don’t want to be frantically trying to extinguish flames and frantically trying to pull your pants up at the same time.

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Air Freshener is completely worthless. If I see this in your bathroom, it tells me one thing, and one thing only:You like the smell of shit-covered flowers.If this is the case, I’ll be happy to oblige, but personally I’d rather smell the foulest poo-stink than some of the so-called air “fresheners” out there.

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I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll “over” or “under” is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I’m on the safe side.I don’t want to find out mid-crap that you’re out of toilet paper. I also don’t want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I’ve gone through the current supply. I don’t think you want this either.

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My single greatest fear in life is clogging a toilet in somebody else’s house and finding myself plunger-less. This fear is most likely the direct result of the time when I clogged a toilet in somebody else’s house and found myself plungerless. (This was on a first date with a hot chick and I ended up having to get very creative with a two-liter bottle of coke… nevermind, it’s too painful to think about.)I think it goes without saying that the only thing more embarrassing than taking a crap at someone else’s house, is sheepishly emerging from the bathroom to ask the host if they own a plunger.A plunger is a must, people. Put it next to the toilet or under the sink or anywhere in the bathroom for that matter. I’ll find it if I need it. Believe me.

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At home, I often times get comfortable on the throne with a good novel. I sometimes read many chapters and stay in the bathroom for ridiculously long periods of time. One time, I swear to god of your parents choice, I spent three full hours in the bathroom reading Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead”. You do not want me in your bathroom for that long, trust me. But please, some magazines and such would be nice. Something that’s easy to read and not too long - Readers Digest is perfect. Anything pornographic is a bad idea.One time, I was dumping at someone’s house and they had a “Kid’s Guide to Anatomy” complete with large, full-color illustrations. I read all about the excretory system while I was excreting… and it blew my mind.

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Now, some of you may be asking, “Why would I have a vested interest in making you feel comfortable pooping in my bathroom?”

I’ll tell you why.

When I am not able to release my bowels, I get tense, nervous, standoff-ish, irritable, sweaty, etc. In other words, I am no longer the life of the party. When I become an introvert, it can have a real detrimental effect on the social scene in your house.

Case in point: One time I was at an apartment shared by three girls. They fed me Thai food which–surprise!–made me have to shit. Badly. Unfortunately for these three girls (and other house guests), when I went into their bathroom to “wash my hands” I came to the conclusion, through “calculated risk assessment”, that the “perceived level of comfort” in their bathroom was FAR below my acceptable standards.

The net effect was that, not only was I unable to crap, but in the eyes of most of the people in the house, I became “no fun.”

Well I got news for you - it’s awfully hard to be “fun” when every poke, tickle, and hug has the potential to unleash a gaseous, party-stopping fury.

Look, I think we can all agree on the fact that there’s nothing like your own toilet, an empty house, and all the free time in the world… which is why it should be common courtesy to provide guests in your home with a “foreigner friendly” environment in which to take care of business.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

I don’t mean to be confrontational, but this is it: I’ve had it with you. You are so fickle. One second Wells Fargo tells me you’re there in hardy abundance and the next, without staying long enough for us to get to know each other, you’re gone. You used to be my friend: you’d pay my rent, we’d slowly work towards paying off debts, you even had reserves for a new car! But now, I can’t trust you. You’re here and then you’re gone. Oh, so I want some new shirts or maybe some xbox games–is that all it takes to make you disappear? You’re going to buy me some groceries and then you’re gone? What happened to commitment? You make me question myself…

You and I are in a bad relationship. I know, I abuse the privilege of sometimes having you around. I’m a dreamer and I often use you for personal acquisitions. I should appreciate you more and I will try to. But please, if you could just stay in my wallet long enough to conquer these student loans and hosting fees, we could build a great relationship. We could have a social life again–remember when you used to take me to dinner? Such good times, you and I… But you need to learn to grow. I need more of you and you’re not responding. I work so hard to have you in my very presence and you need to realize that you’re going to have be bigger. I need you in mass amounts. I’m begging for more of you. Can we please make this work?

If you’ve been holding your breath for The A-Team movie, well, I feel sorry for you.

But help is on the way for you and your oxygen-deprived brain. So just hold on. Until June 12. Of next year. Feel better? You should, actually.

The release date, as reported by Variety, is the first for the long-discussed, long-suffering project.

John Singleton, who last yelled cut on Four Brothers, will direct; Michael Bandt and Derek Haas, who helped shoot the lights out with 3:10 to Yuma, are writing the screenplay.

As reported, the movie will follow the basic recipe of the 1983-87 TV series: Take four ex-military men; add one war crime they didn’t commit; mix in chases, pursuits and more chases.

Given the source material, Singleton has promised an action movie, a serious action movie—”wall to wall kicking ass and talking s–t,” as he put it to Collider.com. The film presently is sans actors, A-list, B-team or otherwise, as Singleton himself has made very clear.

“I don’t know who is in the cast yet, so all this bulls–t of who is saying who is this person and who is [this person],” Singleton told Collider.com.

Singleton did allow that he “really, really want[s]” Woody Harrelson to play “Howling Mad” Murdoch, the sanity challenged pilot given life on the TV series by Dwight Schultz.

In the interview, conducted in January, Singleton sounded a lot like a man who’s been a little bit hounded by fans demanding to know who’s going to play Mr. T.

“Nobody is playing Mr. T—the character’s name is B.A. Baracus,” the filmmaker reminded.

And, no, before you bother Mr. Singleton again, B.A. Baracus hasn’t been cast yet, either. Ice Cube, however, has thrown his Mohawk into the ring.

“Hell yeah,” the Barbershop multitasker recently told blackfilm.com when asked if he’d consider copping a “Bad Attitude,” as it were, “especially with John Singleton directing!”

And, yes, we know Ice Cube doesn’t really have a Mohawk to throw into a ring. But that could change.

“I wouldn’t try to duplicate what Mr. T did,” he told the Website. “I’m going to bring my own flavor to it, and I am going to do the Mohawk.”

The race seems wide open for the roles of Col. “Hannibal” Smith, the disguise-handy ringleader, and the smooth-talking “Face” Peck, played on the TV series by the late George Peppard and the still-plugging-away Dirk Benedict, respectively.

Even with the cast undetermined, an announced director and a release date marks the furthest along the movie has gotten since the project started raising hopes nearly 10 years ago amid a spate of TV-to-film conversions, à la Charlie’s Angels, The Mod Squad and Wild Wild West. Per the calendar keepers at the Internet Movie Database, on June 12, 2009, the big-screen A-Team will go head-to-head with an Eddie Murphy comedy called NowhereLand. Which is about where The A-Team movie used to live.

As we aproach the day that Hollywood engages in it annual self-love fest I would like to give my choices.

Best Actor-

George Clooney

Michael Clayton

As Michael Clayton, George Clooney portrays a fixer at a powerful law firm who finds himself in danger when he investigates his colleagues’ actions in a controversial lawsuit.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the fourth Academy Award nomination for George Clooney. He was previously nominated for:

• GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. (2005) — Nominee, Directing
• GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. (2005) — Nominee, Writing (Original)
• SYRIANA (2005) — Winner, Actor in a Supporting Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

When one of the star attorneys at a powerful corporate law firm suffers a guilt-fueled breakdown that threatens to derail a planned merger, the firm’s fixer, Michael Clayton, is called in to take care of the situation. As he delves into the facts behind the multimillion dollar lawsuit at the center of the conflict, Michael finds himself making moral and ethical decisions that will place his life in danger.

As a person on my list of people that I’d like to punch in the face I couldn’t care less.

Daniel Day-Lewis

There Will Be Blood

NOMINATED ROLE

As Daniel Plainview, Daniel Day-Lewis plays a ruthless California oilman who will stop at nothing to achieve wealth and power.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the fourth Academy Award nomination for Daniel Day-Lewis. He was previously nominated for:

• GANGS OF NEW YORK (2002) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER (1993) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• MY LEFT FOOT (1989) — Winner, Actor in a Leading Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

In his ruthless pursuit of wealth, misanthropic oilman Daniel Plainview tricks a local farmer into signing away his valuable drilling rights and rejects his own son, H.W., when the boy loses his hearing in an accident. As he becomes increasingly isolated and unstable, Daniel places his trust in a vagrant claiming to be his half-brother, and finds his position unsettled by H.W.’s return and the growing popularity of the farmer’s son, now an evangelical preacher.

This guy is entertaining in everything that I see him in. Plus he always has a cool mustache! In my book mustache=Oscar.

Johnny Depp

Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

NOMINATED ROLE

Johnny Depp plays Sweeney Todd, a barber in Victorian London who embarks on a murderous plan of revenge against the corrupt judge who ruined his life.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the third Academy Award nomination for Johnny Depp. He was previously nominated for:

• FINDING NEVERLAND (2004) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role
• PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (2003) — Nominee, Actor in a Leading Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

In nineteenth-century London, barber Sweeney Todd seeks revenge on the corrupt judge who had him falsely arrested and sent to Australia in an attempt to steal Sweeney’s wife. When his plan to kill the judge goes awry, Sweeney begins to murder his clients indiscriminately, with the help of his neighbor, Mrs. Lovett, who disposes of his victims by baking them into meat pies.

I have never seen this guy in a role I didn’t like. Hes creepy and cooky, mysterious and spooky.

Holy crap, he is the Adams’ family!

Tommy Lee Jones

In the Valley of Elah

NOMINATED ROLE

Tommy Lee Jones plays Hank Deerfield, a Vietnam veteran who searches for his missing son in the wake of the young man’s return from a tour of duty in Iraq.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the third Academy Award nomination for Tommy Lee Jones. He was previously nominated for:

• THE FUGITIVE (1993) — Winner, Actor in a Supporting Role
• JFK (1991) — Nominee, Actor in a Supporting Role

FILM SYNOPSIS

Vietnam vet Hank Deerfield learns that his son, Mike, is missing from his army unit, recently returned from Iraq. When he travels to the unit’s New Mexico base, however, he finds his son’s fellow soldiers unwilling to answer his questions and the local police–with the exception of Detective Emily Sanders–uninterested in pursuing the case.

I have nothing bad to say about this guy, other than his face look like a catchers mit.

Viggo Mortensen

Eastern Promises

NOMINATED ROLE

As Nikolai, Viggo Mortensen plays the ambitious driver and henchman of a Russian mobster, who favors him over his own son.

ACADEMY AWARDS HISTORY

This is the first Academy Award nomination for Viggo Mortensen.

FILM SYNOPSIS

Anna, a midwife at a London hospital, finds herself entangled in the dangerous world of the Russian mafia when she attempts to translate the diary of a young girl who has died in childbirth. At the center of the violent organization is Semyon, an older man of deceptive warmth and charm, Kirill, his unstable son, and Nikolai, Semyon’s capable and self-assured driver who seems certain to rise within the gang’s ranks.

Ok, how cool would it be to walk in a room and declare “I am Viggo”?

From soft baby at http://hashitout.com/

People can’t count.

Posted on December 29th, 2007 by rob2e

People can’t count. People take numbers for granted. Ask anyone how many numbers there are from one to ten. They’ll say ten. Ask that same person how many numbers there are from ten to twenty. They’ll say ten again.

When you point out how wrong they are, they actually get mad. Remember folks, most people who get mad or defensive about something know they’re wrong. They just don’t like having it pointed out to them.

In this specific example, you can prove it to them in various ways. Ten minus one equals nine, yet there are ten numbers from one to ten. It’s called adding the fence post. Any time you want to know how many numbers are from X to Y inclusive, you subtract X from Y and add one. That’s the fence post. So from ten to twenty — twenty minus ten is ten plus the fence post equals eleven. There are ELEVEN numbers from ten to twenty. Further, you can actually count it out on your fingers. People think this is some kinda bar trick or deception. Nope. They’re just dumb. When you go through this process with them, they’ll invariably say something like, “Well, that’s stupid.”

“No. YOU’RE stupid.”

It’s like 2006 having Super Bowl XL (40 for non Romans). When you ask people when the first Super Bowl was, they always say 1966. WRONG AGAIN! It was 1967. Remember the fence post. Look it up for Christ’s sake. Hell if not for the son of God, then look it up for your OWN sake. Don’t be an idiot.

Another one is when something happens for the first time (let’s just say a company picnic) and then when the next one rolls around a year later, people refer to it as the second anniversary of the company picnic. NO! Second ANNUAL, yes. Second anniversary, no. It’s the FIRST anniversary. What is the problem with this math today? Dummies.

And what about military time. It’s SO FUCKING EASY. People make it hard. It’s not. Any hour that is bigger than 12 you subtract 12. That’s it. That’s the whole formula. 1300 = 1:00. 1900 = 7:00. 2330 = 11:30. MORONS!

You know what? If any of this applies to you, you probably can’t read anyway. And you’re not going to give me kudos on this blog because you don’t know what kudos means. And you’re probably Christian.

But if I may offer you some advice for life in general regarding math (in the immortal words of Mr. Tom Hanks on an episode of Family Ties where he says to Jennifer) –”If all else fails, X = 8.”