Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Brandon! Brandon! Brandon, come here!

That is what I heard for five minutes while we were in the Quicky Mart. Your 3 year old was running all over and knocking stuff down while you and your Whiskey Tango (white trash) wife were getting your post methadone clinic Big Gulps. You would yell every 30 seconds “Brandon come here” like an hillbilly fog horn. I wanted to yell “turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch fruit, yelling Brandon every thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting “. I chose not to as I just wanted out of there.

I paid and left and I guess you paid as well as you came out of the store as I was unlocking my car. Brandon came running out of the door and straight towards the open traffic. At 2 foot tall he would run right by me and not be seen by the oncoming car. I glanced at you hoping to see a look of horror as you realized the impending impact but no, you were busy playing with a coupon for Skoal Bandits. I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of the car and then walked him over to you for what I thought would be a hero’s welcome.

Not so much.

You just squared off and said that I should get my hands off of your son. I asked you if you were sure he was your son because your wife looks like a real goer, know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

I have since found out that Monty Python references seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.

You raised your fists, started to say something and I kicked you square in the nuts. I’m not a fighter, I’m not a lover either but what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the soda in my right hand. So in retrospect I am sorry I kicked you in the balls but I felt threatened and reacted.

I hope Brandon is ok and you are feeling better.

The soda was delicious.

Gentile reader,

As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!

I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.

“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.

I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.

Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.

20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.

I hate ADD.

Gotta go, I see something shiny.

Thats right, you heard me I licked it! I licked your iphone before you got it. Remember all the calls you made to me asking if we had the iphone in stock? Recall all the days you kept me late just asking if I knew anything more about it and I said no? Remember all the times you freaked me out in the parking lot by sneaking up on me and asking when the launch would be?

A year later and now I will tell you, I had all of the answers you wanted! I could have let you stay late and play with the iphone. You would have been the only person in the state that would have got a sneak peek. But you pissed me and every other ATT employee off. You called at least 30 times a day and took us away from other work. I spent hours on the phone with you answering “I don’t know” to questions that where answered by the internet. The iphone was $600, I could have given it to for $200.

You drove me to it. I stayed late on the night before the iphone launced and licked them all! It was my crazy revenge.

Well at least it wasn’t as bad as this guy.

Take that bitches!

When I lived in Spokane a year ago I ran this ad as a goof. I still get replies, 213 so far. To answer your questions I never answered any replies as most freaked me out and yes I am a total tool.

I will give you what no other can.

A paper hat!

Thats right ladies your own paper hat. I will make it for you out of that days paper. If you wish I can adorn it with frilly things and semi precious stones.

Wanna be a sexy pirate? Can do.
Wanna be a French emperor? No problem
A sweet cowgirl? I can make that happen.

Paper hat baby!

Unlock that free wheeling child in you with a paper hat. Quantities are limited, I think the Spokesman only puts out a thousand a day so get yours.

I come with the paper hat too.

Mid thirties? Yep
Average looking? As average as it gets
HWP? A few extra pounds
Single? You got it, women wont touch me
Ever married? See above
Have hair? More than others but spread out across my body so that no one part gets more than the other parts
Have teeth? All 68

Act now and I will build you a fort made from couch cushions.

This is a 30 day trial offer. If you decide, for any reason not to keep me keep the paper hat as my gift to you.