Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

This is the post that made me want to blog. I haven’t seen anything recent from this author but as I re-read this its as funny as it was seven years ago.

A Sticky Situation

I write to Xerox:

Dear Kings of Kopiers: (feel free to use that)

I just started a new job as an exterminator’s assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper.

While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I’d better check with you about it.

On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam. Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won’t that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I’m sure you know what you’re doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a “Jam-free” paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don’t want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it’s really safe.

If it is safe, why not say “Contains .01% jam, but it’s perfectly safe” in big letters, since I’m sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way.

By the way, I’m curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn’t look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I’d appreciate a Xerox keychain.

Thanks,

Dave Cilluffo
Edinboro Pa

They reply:

Thank you for your message.

We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts.

Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn’t harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around.

You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results.

In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt.

If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know.

Received 1 Xerox Tshirt, and 1 Xerox polo shirt!

#1- A jet pack. Any man born in the 20th century knows that jet packs were to be the preferred form of transportation as the year 2000 approached. They were promised to us by TV, radio and comic books. But the millennium has come and gone and alas we have no jet pack to shuttle us back and forth to our laser gun shooting galleries and autonomous robot boxing matches. If technology can store 5000 songs in a machine the size of a pack of cigarettes why can’t it propel me through the air at 120 mph?

#2- A 1970s undercover cop persona. Every man wishes he had a John Shaft afro or styled perfectly hair helmet al’a David Soul and a cool leather car coat. We all wish that we could jump through the second-story window of a warehouse with guns blazing just as the building explodes and is engulfed in flame. Every man would love like to drive to the other side of town, slide across the hood of our 1976, black Ford Torino and shake down a junkie pimp named “Snookie” for information.

#3- A monkey. Not necessarily a pet or helper monkey, just a monkey (perhaps with a jet pack of his own). I don’t know why, we all just want one.

I don’t wish to offend by using the term chicks, I mean women or young ladies but the term chicks has a hipp mysterious ring to it.

I started a new job a few weeks ago at a technology company and my eyes were opened to the majesty of geek chicks. They look just like other ladies but have a cerebral hotness that only the truly enlightened posses.

All of the women I have dated (all 2, plus the girl I stalked for a month) were what one might consider vixens. Curvy and always dressed as they were going to a photo shoot. Needless to say they were not the most healthy relationships and usually involved me listening to why I’m an asshole for and hour then she bitches for 2 hours.

Now that my younger days are over and I am a bit wiser my eyes have opened. You can spot a geek chick by a few signs that they all share. They usually have less make up than the vixens, not that its less attractive actually it is more so. They might wear glasses, sweet sweet glasses. They might have a t-shirt on that says things that you don’t readily understand, that’s hott ( I spell hot with two t’s to denote the extra hotness)!

I have found that the geek chicks are way more into learning about you and building a relationship founded on respect and mutual admiration. They can have a deep conversation about Plato or laugh at your lame joke about having a tribble in your pants. Whereas vixens are mostly about stripping you of material things then crushing your heart with a bony gnarled death grip and when your decrepit corpse is not able to spit out another hundred dollar bill or gold bangle they blow away your ashes with the exhaust from the Lincoln Navigator that you bought them.. Was that too jaded? I think I came off as hostile, oh well I digress.

So to you geek chicks I say welcome! You are a sweet change and I am sorry that I have overlooked you geeky beauty all of these years. I was remiss in overlooking you and that changes as of now.

Let the geeking begin!

Here is my haiku. Id love to hear yours! You can make your haiku about anything.

115 degrees outside today, need a soda
I have change in my ashtray
Burnt my hand on hot change

O.K. This is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I’m not talking a monkey or some dancing chimp BS, I mean a damn orangutan. Don’t ask me how you’re gonna get an orangutan that’s not my problem. So the orangutan’s name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable, all orangutans are named Clyde. I don’t know why this is, it’s just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You’re seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. “Did you know the guy with the orangutan?” “You used to date the guy with the orangutan?” “Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?” Next thing you know she’s calling.

“I’m hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?” “Geez I dunno, me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight. (Orangutans love monster trucks) In fact the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I’ll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in.” “Oh, well you know my number so don’t be a stra-” “Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde’s making Mojitos’.”

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind; you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it’s your life. But if you’re a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You’re IM’ng. You’re talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You’re one big Brady Bunch.

I had a very stressful week and was kinda bummed. I sat in the break room with my head in my hands trying to get a few moments of peace when a coworker walked to one of the vending machines and as he looked at all the snack treats and candy beans he mindlessly quoted a line from Raising Arizona. “When there weren’t no meat we ate crawdads, when there weren’t no crawdads we ate sand”. He wasn’t trying to be funny but I laughed, I hadn’t heard that since the early 90’s.

That was the chuckle I needed to finish the rest of the day. So with that in mind, enjoy! And remember “They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time”.

“Do you have a big trunk? I’m gonna put my bike in it.”

” My uncle drove a ho runner”.

“I got the poo on me!”

“Your just mad ’cause I’m flirting with hot chicks all day on-line”

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair”

“You are a smelly pirate hooker”.

“I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal”.

“Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident”.

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak. “

“Go do that voodoo that you do so well”!

“well, let’s see. He had on tan trousers, argyle socks..what? NO, HE’S NOT RETARDED”

” Hello sexy girlfriend”!

Gentle reader,

I had a life altering injury when I was a teen that left me with a few limitations and injuries that still remain. People say “AWW that’s awful, you are so brave/accomplished/sexy”. Well the sexy thing I made up but I say don’t feel sorry for me. Nay rejoice! My limitations have opened my eyes to a brand new world. Now I’m not gonna get all “My left foot” on ya and pretend that I have used my injuries to do some great feat that inspires others. No I just have a real good time with the way in which people are assholes and alternatively dumb at the say time.

It never ceases to amaze me how rude, dense and sometimes how conversely nice some people can be. In following, the people I speak of are in the former categories. They were already deemed asses and as such not deserving of my respect. Besides I would never insult a truly nice person, they are too hard to find.

So, with that said, enjoy.

I am at work and in the men’s bathroom doing my thing. Eyes straight forward as not too attract attention(see past posts about bathroom rules). A coworker enters, a guy that I have never met and says “did you know that you have a big scar on the back of your head”? I kinda froze, I wasn’t sure what to do. Went back to my desk a bit down and a buddy asked me why I was down. I told him and as I recounted the story I stared to get riled. I told my buddy that I don’t even know the guys name and thought it was beyond what could be considered a dumb comment. He agreed, said he knew of the guy and gave me his name. I sat there and thought about egging his car, breaking his nose, punching him in the throat. No I handled this monkee style. I picked up the phone and pressed *818, the code to talk over the pa system address the whole office of 112 people.

“Yes hello coworkers, I would just like to say thank you to David Smith for walking up to me in the restroom earlier and asking me if I knew I had a 6 inch scar on the back of my head. Up till this moment I had not, and if not for the brave words of David Smith I still might not be aware. Lets all give a round of applause for his great detective work and I would like to say that you should all make a point of going up to David’s desk as much as possible today to thank him, he might seem shy at first but keep trying. In fact if you have a fear that you might have scars, moles or any skin anomalies please ask David. Also please email all of your friends with Davids email address and ask them to flood Davids email inbox. Thank you”.

Needless to say I was suspended for a week, with pay. When I came back ,from my week-long vacation, David was gone and I was told that after two days of people haranguing him he just walked out the door.

So thank you David for the week of paid vacation!

This is my first of many posts about my uber-abilities.

Ok, I’m back. What were talking about?

ADD? OCD? Or just plain odd?

I’m not sure which of these I have. I believe I have a melange of all of these with a hint of narcissism and mild neuroses.

What is odd is that people that i know who have a few hints of any of these psychological disorders are all highly intelligent people that are very funny. Maybe they are funny because of them. Maybe I just view their actions through a different filter and thus find their actions funny.

My friend who can’t have anything sticky ever touch her hands.Funny.

My buddy who will drive 100 miles to save 2 cents on a gallon of gas but negates the saving by use 7 gallons of gas to make this trip.Hilarious.

My friend who wears gloves in Walmart for fear or the “germs” contained therein. Sweet!

Not to be left out, here are a few of my issues that make me stand out in the realm of neurosis.

The second I walk into a mens room I forget if the sign on the door said mens or womens and look for a urinal to confirm that this indeed is a mens room. If it has no urinal I will leave because I’m not sure.

After eating at a fast food place I raise my hands and yell ” I’m full’.

When drinking a soda I never drink the last third as I believe it to contain germs.

After having a conversation on the phone I never say “good bye” or “see you later” I just hang up.

20 to 30 times a day I furtively check to see if my zipper is up.

I am a total and complete wreck.

Enter the monkey

We all have run into that guy, the office pest. Not being one to take to rude/offensive behavior and havening severe ADD and way to much free time I have a few tips that might make you feel better.

Superglue a caster on his chair. It will never break free and is very annoying.

If he has his own personal radio tune the radio to the Spanish language station and superglue the dial.

On most Windows computers hitting Cntl + Alt+up arrow will flip his screen. Most people don’t know how to reverse this and the hilarity will ensue.

Pry off the M and N keys from his keyboard and switch them. They should come off with little effort.

Place an ad in the paper offering a free trained monkey, list his phone number.

Ok whoever you are. Very funny. I don’t know which is worse. The fact that you turned the lights out in the bathroom while I was urinating and I damn neared pissed on myself or the fact that the next person to come into the dark bathroom was the director of our office and he asked me what I was doing by myself in a dark bathroom. I tried to explain that somebody played a joke on me and turned out the lights but I am not sure if he bought it or not. Now I am afraid to pee alone at the office. What if you get me again and I am caught peeing in the dark again by another member of management? Please let me urinate in peace and in the comfort of a well lit bathroom.

Tom Cruise-

I just want to shock him into reality, to stop him jumping around like a monkey and saying how he is more knowledgeable than most on psychiatry and other issues. I just can,t see him as an action star and he reminds me of the subtly feminine over-compensating guy.

Skeet Ulrich-

His name alone elicits violence.

Rob Riener-

I just wanna knock the fat off him.

Sean Penn-

If you hadn’t bedded Madonna (and who hasn’t at this point) you’d have no career. Why is it that the fact that you pretend to be someone in a film makes you now have a better understanding of politics or whats best for the American populous.

Jane Fonda-

Just Google her name and read the tales of her whorning up the North Vietnamese while a few hundred thousand of our boys died.

Chevy Chase-

WTF? You were funny(20 years ago) now you are a sad mixture of self-loathing and saggy skin.

Hillary Clinton-

Your politics aside, your voice makes my testicle crawl into my body cavity every time I hear you. I cant have that!

K-fed-

Dude, you know why. You are the personification of Douchebag.

Wolf Blizter-

You stole my porn name!

Micheal Moore-

As you rail against the excesses in America I can see you getting fatter. Loose 200 lbs and Ill listen to you.

- I am a man.

This means the following:
- I complain
- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)
- I emit occasionally offensive odors
- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from historical data)
- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)
- I employ logic to solve a problem
- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing my best score on “Tiger Wood’s Golf”
- I hate your ex-boyfriends
- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes
- I do stupid things like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a dinner party whenever the conversation bores me
- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” they are internally miserable
- I lie, but only to avoid offending you (”Those jeans look great on you”)
- I listen to music that makes me feel good
- I say your friend is getting fat when I know darn well she weighs less than you do
- I hate PDA
- I think you have at least 2 hot friends
- I am messy
- I think your friends suck
- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference
- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your cigarette
- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument
- I love me, with or without you

What I’m looking for:
- A woman

This means the following:
- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like blaming your own problems on me)
- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over the phone when responding to a joke you know isn’t funny)
- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what strangers think of you)
- You eat chicken and sushi
- You’re fun, whenever you’re not around your girlfriends (that Jessica turns you into such a bitch)
- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence contained in the sentence “just because.”)
- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string theory
- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still aholes
- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded
- You do stupid things like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the same drawer that the screwdriver is in
- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” that you are forcing it
- You are presumptuous (”Where are we going for dinner?”)
- You watch reality TV
- You listen to music that makes you cry
- You say you’re getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza
- You like PDA because you’re starved for attention
- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you’re making them seem more attainable
- You are somehow messier than I am, but it’s always my fault
- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you’ll never admit it
- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can control
- You always smell like your shampoo
- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an argument is futile (see note above re: logic)
- You love being with someone
- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true

What else could go wrong?

Auto-immune disorder that causes me to get painful boils every now and then, been there.

Losing everything that I owned in the last year , child’s play.

Losing my hair and then getting ringworm on my bald head?

That’s a new one. Wow, thats pretty messed up. I didn’t see that one coming. Is he testing me? Why ringworm on a bald scalp? I picture there is a box of ailments and another of body parts to apply them to and he pulls a card from each and yells “uno”. I know that none of this is true but it paints a weird picture and I need something to take my mind of the fact that I have RINGWORM ON MY SCALP!

I tell my twin sister (yes I have a twin sister.So what of it? Why are making a big fuss about it? Wanna fight?) and she says it could have come from anywhere. At least thats what I think she said, I was busy rocking back and forth crying. She also told me my dry skin might be a factor and the my dog probably picked it up at the groomers (thats right, the dog groomers. You calling me gay or something? Wanna fight?) and then gave it to me.

She gave me some bath salts (don’t start with the gay thing again) to use and told me that it is a product that her and her friends sell. Its a mixture of tea tree oil, dead sea salt and a few other things. I asked her if she was calling me gay and if she wanted to fight. She said no and this is the same stuff that people pay hundreds for at health spas but her and her friends just want an economical way to get this. She handed me a frilly jar of this and said to use a few ounces in the tub.

I used it and my skin feels great. The ring worm is almost gone. Besides the Will and Grace looking jar it comes in, I love this stuff!

My point is this, I’m a fortunate man! I have fantastic siblings. They married wonderful spouses and they gave me a plethora of nieces and nephews that are funny and silly and are true gifts. I have it good, in fact we all do. We all spend way too much time bitching and lamenting the shallow and vain unimportant things that we think will make our lives better.

Take a moment, look back. Remind yourself how far you have come.

Monkee out

As I search the blog-o-dome I have found a few sites which raise the standard of funny and craziness.

hashitout.com

and

www.gorillasushi.com

Enjoy them as I have.