How to win friends and influence people or The Seven Habits of Highly Flatulent People

Filed Under (Random!) by Monkee on 30-04-2008

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Ron Paul go away

Filed Under (Random!) by Monkee on 14-04-2008

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I have seen Mr. Paul a few times, seems like a nice guy. A little too libertarian for my taste, I tend to lean to the right of the right. For example, that El Ducce had some ideas.

I digress.

The reason that I wont vote for him (besides the fact I am convicted felon and cant vote, it was a silly pyramid scam involving sheep and nacho cheese) nor listen to him any longer is his supporters. Never have I been inundated with so many spam emails and people that hear his name at a party and run over to me, wipe the foam from their mouth and launch into a 20 minute diatribe(with graphs and pie charts) about how he’ll change America. I inform them that his candidacy ended months ago and then some switch kicks off in their head and they shift into why we should write him in.

After a few courtesy minutes of listening to them I simply ask if they will give me $1000 if I vote for him. They always say no and I always say that they need to re-think their commitment to his candidacy when they wont give a grand to insure a vote for him. I ask if they were really on board wouldn’t they do whatever it takes to ensure that this great country will change under a Paul administration. I ask if they hold their marriage vows as sacred as their political. I ask this in front of their wife.

It ends the conversation and usually sparks a fight within the couple, a fight that I then spend the next hour watching.

Joan Collins

Filed Under (Random!) by Monkee on 21-01-2008

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DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS TO YOU IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I AM MRS MARY COLLINS JONES. A WIDOW TO LATE COLLINS A. BROWN I AM
64 YEARS OLD.

I AM NOW A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST. FROM ALL INDICATIONS, MY CONDITION IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON’T LIVE MORE THAN TWO MONTHS ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS. THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE U.S. RAID AGAINST TERRORISM IN AFGHANISTAN, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD’NT PRODUCES ANY CHILD.MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE PART OF THIS WEALTH TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA, ASIA AND EUROPE.

I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE AND I PRAYED OVER IT. I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF US$20.5m MILLION USD STATES DOLLARS TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING DOWN AT A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE. I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL SURE BE UTILIZED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.PLEASE CONTACT ME FOR MORE DIRECTIVES. NOTE: PLEASE DO CONTACT ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: marycollins2007@sify.com

MRS MARY COLLINS JONES–

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am saddened by your story! You are the answer to my prayers as well! I like cheese!

I used to be a army ranger and am very resourceful. My friends face-man, BA Baracus and Hannibal would like to help. If you are in trouble and nobody can help and if you can find them you can hire the A team.

Hugs and kisses

HM Murdoch

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Dear Beloved,
I must say a very big thank you for your reply to my
email. I would have written you since but my condition have been bad on
me. I want you to act accordingly to this my wish so that God’s will
may be done. I want this fund to be used in the way of God. I want to
letyouknow that I prayed over it before contacting you, so I
stronglybelievethat you can handle it. I want you to know that I will be
givenmy fulltrust to you so please do not let me down. I will need you
to send to me your picture to know you better. I want you to know that i
am presently in the hospital on admission and my doctor says my
condition is critical and that I have a very short time to leave, All I
wish for now is to do something the lord will appreciate before I leave
this earth so please pray for me and act accordingly so that I can
witness the good work  use my funds for before I leave this earth.The
total sum of the funds to be giving to you immediately. After then,share
it to the less privileged and the homeless people in your society. I
want you to pray for me for God to erase my pains. My late husband
deposited this fund in custody of Security Company in London but was
moved to their corresponding office in Netherlands for safe keeping,My
lawyer will communicate with you as soon as I hear from you his name is
Gorger Edward to brief you more about this transition because my doctor
has told me not to striating myself so much because of the nature of the
sickness so feel free with my lawyer he is in position to handle the
transition with you.God bless you.
Mary Collins.

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Dear Joan Collins,

I am sorry that you will not have long to leave. I have some health issues as well, I am crazy. To get to the bank Ill have to escape the state hospital that I’m in. Hanibal usually helps me with that.

I want to help you but I have been bamboozled before. The guys that scammed me were full of slickery and con-foolery. Do you like cheese, I do.

I sent some picyures as well.

I love you, do you love me?

HM Murdoch

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Dear beloved, Thank you for your mail, and the picture you sent to me I have forwarded your contact to my lawyer Barrister Gorger Edward because he has every information regarding to this transaction so feel free to work with him and also he is going to contact you on your email addressplease up date me as soon as you hear from him.Thanks and God bless Mary Collins
 
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Dear Joan,
I will only deal with you! You need to send me a picture as well. Are you hot?
HM Murdoch
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Attention  Chris Chris,
 
Greetings from Barrister George Edward.
 
I barrister George Edward( Esq.), I wish to give you more
directions regarding to the fund being deposited in custody of a
security firm in Netherlands (HOLLAND) by my client late husband
Mrs. Mary Collins.
 
All the detailed information regarding to this transaction is with
me. You are required to travel to Holland immediately to claim the
consignment from the Security firm. As soon as you indicate your
willingness to travel to Netherlands to claim the consignments from
the security firm I will forward the information to you including
the Power of Attorney and the Pin Code to enable you to claim the
consignment from the Security firm without any hitch, because
without this required documents the Security firm will not attend
to you.
 
My client  Mary Collins. agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum
to you because of your effort , also all your expenditures towards
this transition in this very project will be deducted from the
total sum before you start executing the "PROJECT HUGSOMEONE" , as
soon as you clear the fund from the Security firm.
 
Please I will like you to furnish me with the following
information’s below.
 
1, Your full name and address
 
2, Your direct contact telephone for easy communication
 
3, Your age and occupation
 
As soon as I hear from you as we are going to agreed on email. I
will forward all your information to the firm in Netherland
(Holland) to enable them communicates with you.
 
I wait your urgent response,
 
Yours truly,
 
Barr. George  Edward (Esq.)

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George,

 

As reqested I will need a picture of you, I allready sent one.

 

HM Murdoch