My smelly boss
Filed Under (What fresh hell is this) by Monkee on 03-05-2008
To my farty boss and his bowels.
I hear you.
I hear you in there.
I hear you farting. Shifting in your leather chair. Trying to muffle your bodily noises in your vibrating chair pad (which is creepy enough).
Worse: I smell you.
The first day you did this, I thought someone had burned a Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak in the microwave. The second day, I stupidly asked you if you smelled “that vile odorâ€.
You blushed and said, “I have this little problem when I am stressed, excited, or eat a lot of protein in the mornings…†and thus began the stinkfest
.
Listen, can’t you lay off the protein bars and egg whites and ostrich sausage in the mornings? Can you eat them, say, at lunch or at night, and torture your family and pets with the stench?
I am tired of burning candles in my cubicle like I’m some kind of Wiccan trying to ward off the Samhain Fart Satyr. I dread bringing you my paperwork because I don’t always hear you and sometimes I am very unpleasantly surprised by the greasy cloud that surrounds your work area.
I really like you. You’re a great boss. You pay me well and gave me a chance. But this has to stop before I burst a blood vessel in my eye from holding my breath when I come close to you. See a gastroenterological specialist already; I’ll even make the appointment!
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Look Tina, I have explained the issue. My doctor put me on the Atkins diet because I need to drop the weight. My blood pressure is through the roof and I am on the verge of diabetes.
As long as you have brought out problem to a public forum and this website was forwarded to me by your peers, let me make this perfectly clear. A person can’t be fired for natural odors. However, I will work to accommodate your weakness.
I will ask facilities to install an Adkins Friendly exhaust fan in the toilet.
I will jam a whistle in my butt so you can have fair warning for when to go get a donut or powder your nose.
I will, if you like, fart into a HEPA filter.
I will now call you whistle ass!
lmao
You should check out the Ornish diet. The Atkins diet can have severe long-term health effects. The Ornish diet is much stricter, and admittedly not as sexy as a diet that tells you to eat a ton of delicious meat, but here’s a few websites with information.
http://www.webmd.com/diet/ornish-diet-what-it-is
http://www.webmd.com/content/pages/9/3068_9408.htm
http://www.acsh.org/healthissues/newsID.723/healthissue_detail.asp