Just give me the dog!

Filed Under (What fresh hell is this) by Monkee on 21-06-2008

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It is for you, Costco hot-dogs, that I endure the scorn and hatred of the girls at the Costco snack center.

It is for you that I endure the looks of disgust and contempt.

This is my tale. My tale of the lengths I will go to to enjoy your buttery goodness. Your tasty hotdoggedness. (I made that word up)

I go to Costco once a week. I end my shopping with a lovely hot dog. Every time its always the same scornful look from behind the counter.
I see all the dog’s in their hot dog sauna, so shiny and happy looking. Just waiting to be consumed in all their processed glory.
The girl behind the counter always looks at me with disdain, like ” you fat pig, you again. Cant get enough of the hot dogs.”
Doesn’t matter which girl it’s always the same.
I took my nephew last week, thought I’d have him buy the dog so that I might stay out of the line of the stink eye you always give me. Not this time, you saw me and his resemblance to me and it was on.

If you had a tip jar I would gladly tip you as to maybe side step this nasty dance we do. It’s always the same. I am really a very nice fellow, I just have this monkey or should I say hotdog on my back.

I went in today, a bit scared and with visions of hotdoggery in my head.I went to the counter you asked “what”, not what I would like but “What”. I snapped. I told you, within earshot of all those within 10 feet, hot dogs are American. I asked you if you could think of any other food, besides apple pie, that was more patriotic. For some reason at that point I told you that if I don’t get one the terrorist’s will win.The people around me stood in a mixture of unbelief and horror. A few wanted to cheer, I could sense it. Those were the people who’s love of the dog was only matched by the fear of the judgment you cast around like so much churro sugar. I want a churro as well.

I am sorry for playing the the patriotism card, I just want that damned dog.

Why in the name of Mohamed’s mustache wax do you have to make it so hard?

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6 Responses to “Just give me the dog!”

  1. Nick Masters on 21 Jun 2008 at 3:38 pm #

    Mix it up next time and order the Chicken Bake. Then put a hot dog down the middle.

  2. Monkee on 21 Jun 2008 at 4:36 pm #

    You are so wrong, lol

  3. zoe somebody on 22 Jun 2008 at 2:49 pm #

    I don’t know what to say! I am moved to tears.

    This is bigger than patriotism. Patriotism is but one small aspect of what is going on here. This is about what means to live in a democracy. This what free market is REALLY all about.

    Hot dogs are a symbol, they are an institution, they represent a way of life. While I’m not always sure how I feel about that way of life, I know that Hot Dogs represent the best and worst that humans have to offer.

    Trust the hot dog to guide you. To remind you what is beautiful and ugly about humanity, so that you will always stay on course!

    Let know no one dissuade you from the hot dog. Let know one interfere. But never eat one on a Thursday.

    I salute you brother.

    ——————-

    To Nick: I am sorry but there is no such a thing as a Chicken Bake in the fight for liberty. Fuck the chicken bake. Never, ever be ashamed. Order five and order them first.

    ——————-

    Though to be completely honest I’m more partial to polish sausage…

  4. Monkee on 22 Jun 2008 at 3:01 pm #

    Viva los peros caliente! Something like that.

  5. Nick Masters on 22 Jun 2008 at 8:23 pm #

    No doubt the scorn you endure comes from a casher hitting the “hot dog” button on that register 300 times a day. While I fancy the notion that the person behind the counter could be the antithesis of the American Way, it’s more likely that she hates her job and subsequently shines her rays of rage on anyone that makes her do the job that angers her. If the scornful look of anti-weiner anger comes your way again, look her square in the eye and ask, “If you hate your job why don’t you quit?” Better yet, complain inside the store.

    I could eat those Costco hot dogs all week, but limit myself to about 3-4 a month. And the chicken bake? One might never imagine that something in this world could be worse for you than a hot dog. The chicken bake, in all its cheesy bacony chickeny goodness, has more calories and fat than a Costco hot dog.

    Vivo El Pollo Caliente tambien…

  6. Monkee on 22 Jun 2008 at 8:27 pm #

    Verdad

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