France, one nut and hatred built in to my DNA.
Filed Under (What fresh hell is this) by Monkee on 12-03-2008
Ya that’s right, I said it.
I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).
Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.
Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.
Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.
Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.
I leave you with this and you may decide.
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”
Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”
Monkee out
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Moi aussie! Damn frogs.
I laughed, I cried. It moved me.
Well, actually, it didnt do any of those. But I did find it humorous. Keep up the good work.
If you are going to hate the French, you may wish to take some tips from a British friend of mine.
They are not french fries, they are chips.
Its not called “french kissing”, its called “snogging”.
And as for French toast…ummm…eggy bread?
LOL! I love the post! I have a rather strong love/hate relationship with France…anything French actually… I am cursed!
I was just told I looked like Carla Bruni, which was rather flattering. After reading this, however, I am a bit miffed.
I dont know who Bruni is but yes you do! You are pretty and sweet and look thin in every outfit that you wear.
You are all together wonderful.
LOL! hillarious….
I think the french were in vietnam too rite ??
But I like France!
manifique!
Aren’t we an educated monkey!
You forgot the fries- what about their fries?!
[...] http://www.monkeychapps.com/france-one-nut-and-hatred-built-in-to-my-dna/ [...]
It kind of had a harsh edge. Which of course, helps contribute to the stereotype that Americans are insensitive to other cultures. Thanks a lot.
You are most welcome.
HAHAHAHAHA! sorry, being English, I find that very funny….
You forgot to mention that the U.S. basically entered the Great War when it was nearly done.
Kind of the same for WWII, the U.S. missed the first and hardest wave of attack (of course it wasn’t anything near war ready in 1939), but for the fact it had to be forced into it by an attack on its own soil.
I think the author didn’t mention Vietnam because the U.S. lost too.
Also the Gauls are not the same people as the Franks. So technically you are wrong in your first assumption.
I didn’t fail to see the satire.
But the humor was lost in the overdose of egocentrism (not to say americentrism).
On behalf of America I accept you apology.
http://www.Imaselfhatingfrenchguy.com/
And the french are actually the best at the war on terror. Says who? Says the US gvt experts.
Armstrong took illegal drugs, and prepared only for one race a year, all year round, the sissy boy. All other racers did all the important races. There are three big ones in Europe (giro in Italy, volta in spain). Only four racers won them all in all cycling history. Two of them were french. None were american.
Indochina (former vietnam): France stayed 150 years there. More than Hawai has been american! 10 times as many US soldiers came to vietnam as there were french soldiers, and even with their napalm, they were defeated. I noticed that some americans here don’t even know that Indochina was Vietnam, but then, what DO americans know?
And I could go on…
You think you’re funny, you’re just pathetic. So is your outdated french bashing. You’ll probably deserve a “freedom fry award” (see http://www.superfrenchie.com/ for more).
Btw, how many french ppl have you met? Exactly.
Salut, gros con.
Americans of all stripes often declare the U.S. as the best place in the world to live.
Never mind that most of them have never been abroad! (just 22% own a passport.)
People who have been abroad, and specialize in analyzing life outside the U.S., have a different opinion.
The U.S. is number 3.
And France is number 1. For the third consecutive year.
“I appreciate that France offers, by all measures, the world’s best medical care,” says Kathleen Peddicord of International Living, which conducted the study. “I appreciate its fast trains and its Eurostar service across the Channel. I appreciate Paris’ too-many-to-count museums, cafés, galleries, antiques shops, restaurants, boutiques, jazz clubs, theaters, bakeries, and cheese shops, as well as her multitude of parks and gardens, some growing and tended for hundreds of years. I appreciate the easy and cheap air access its three capital city airports provide to the rest of Europe… and the world beyond. I appreciate the country’s four seasons, none too severe.”
Switzerland was second, Luxembourg was fourth, and Germany rounded up the top 5. Meanwhile, Canada finished 11th and the UK 37th.
The categories taken into account for the Index were the climate, the economy, health care, the infrastructure, freedom, the environment, cost of living, safety, and cultural and recreational opportunities.
France bested the United States in 4 of 9 categories and was tied in 2 others. The U.S. bested France in the other 3 categories.
Most annoying to the “America’s always best” crowd must have been the ‘Freedom’ ranking: 52nd! (France: 1st). Frankly, when you consider that American citizens are not even allowed to travel where they please (think Cuba…), that most of them can’t legally have a beer in their front yard or before they’re 21 or that many of them don;t have the right to choose the color of their own drapes, that’s not very surprising!
Oh, and memo to Dick Cheney: Iraq may be a future paradise, but this year just like last year and the year before, it is still dead last at #194…
Dude! Why do I care that the French cant even stand France and leave their native country more than any other nationality?
So you thinc there are no americans who live in France and work there and stae thear because they love it there? There are thoands of them. It’s not about a country vs another, it’s about knowledge and intelligence vs ignorance and stupidity. Everything you say about the french actually says nothing about the french, but says a lot about yYour attitude is close to racism, it works in the same way, and you don’t even seem to realize it. ou. You don’t realize that either.
Dude, do you not realize I have admin control? Posting your url 14 times wont work. BTW I didn’t correct your misspellings as I thought English is your second language. But then you misspelled in French.
lol
re ” Everything you say about the french actually says nothing about the french, but says a lot about yYour attitude”
So your argument is that France is rubber and America is glue and anything I say bounces of France and then sticks to America?
Those typos weren’t there when I typed my text. You probably added them. I know how to spell, in french AND in english, and I am better at it that most americans (how many times do I see “it’s” instead of “its” or “your” instead of “you’re”).
I know you have admin control, but I don’t care, I am only ttalking to you the admin. You deserve the nickmane you chose. You are indeed a monkey.
My argument is that you should travel. Only 20 % of americans have a passport, and my guess is you’re not one of them. You’re narrow-minded, arrogant, biased, and bigoted. I hope you’re old, but if you’re young, it’s scary.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way. If I don’t reply to you in the next few hours, it’s not because I am surrendering or because I am a coward, but because it’s 2:10 a.m. here.
And please don’t learn about other nations’cultures or History from late night show comedians or internet jokes. Read real books and travel, and meet real people. Learning foreign languages also helps opening your mind.
The French are so touchy! That is because THE TRUTH HURTS! LOL.
Bwahahahahaaaa!!! I am inspired to do a “Why I hate the French” Offensive and link back to this hilarious post, do you mind??
I never mind anyone taking my posts, I find its a great way to give props to others and not have to write a post. Take all you want.
Frenchie sucks, needs to get a life, one thats not French. Because thats not really living. And if he doesn’t like French bashing he shouldn’t be looking for it.