Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Brandon! Brandon! Brandon, come here!

Thats what I heard for five minutes while we were in the Quicky Mart. Your 3 year old was running all over and knocking stuff down while you and your Whiskey Tango (white trash) wife were getting your post methadone clinic Big Gulps. You would just just yell every 30 seconds “Brandon come here” like an hillbilly fog horn. I wanted to yell “turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch fruit, yelling Brandon every thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting “. I chose not to as I just wanted out of there.

I paid and left and I guess you paid as well as you came out of the store as I was unlocking my car. Brandon came running out of the door and straight towards the open traffic. At 2 foot he would run right by me and not be seen by the car that was coming. I glanced at you hoping to see a look of horror as you realized the impending impact but not you were busy playing with a coupon for Skoal Bandits. I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of that car and then walked him over to you for what I thought would be a hero’s welcome.

Not so much. You just squared off and said that I should get my hands off of your son. I asked you if you were sure he was your son because your wife looks like a real goer, know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

I have since found out that Monty Python references seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.

You raised your fists, started to say something and kicked you square in the nuts. I’m not a fighter, I’m not a lover either but what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the soda in my right hand. So in retrospect I am sorry I kicked you in the balls but I felt threatened and reacted.

I hope Brandon is ok and you are feeling better. The soda was delicious.

Thats right, you heard me I licked it! I licked your iphone before you got it. Remember all the calls you made to me asking if we had the iphone in stock? Recall all the days you kept me late just asking if I knew anything more about it and I said no? Remember all the times you freaked me out in the parking lot by sneaking up on me and asking when the launch would be?

A year later and now I will tell you, I had all of the answers you wanted! I could have let you stay late and play with the iphone. You would have been the only person in the state that would have got a sneak peek. But you pissed me and every other ATT employee off. You called at least 30 times a day and took us away from other work. I spent hours on the phone with you answering “I don’t know” to questions that where answered by the internet. The iphone was $600, I could have given it to for $200.

You drove me to it. I stayed late on the night before the iphone launced and licked them all! It was my crazy revenge.

Well at least it wasn’t as bad as this guy.

Take that bitches!

Thats right bitches I am banning you.

I’m banning your auto system that you claim you don’t have that votes people down.

I’m banning your groups of friends that im each other in the wee hours of the night just to get on the front page.

I’m banning your ideals of a place where people could review sights that they might have never seen otherwise that was just a ploy to increase market share.

I’m banning you for banning me. You said I Dugg to often. What does that mean?

Most of all I’m banning you for the fact that I never again want to hear a dude ask me to Digg his stuff. I’m a bit to insecure for that.

Take notice that you have been banned.

Good day sir.

I said good day!

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail and for accepting my offer. I apologize for my
late
reply, it’s due to my duty here. Since your last email to me on the
month of
November,2007 I couldn’t reply back because my troops were camping at
the
road to the Jordanian border, that makes it difficult for me to check
my e-
mail. I have every proof of this transaction but only need your
assistance
in smuggling this money out of Iraq.

I am ready now to transfer the money to you. I want you to send your
banking
details to enable me start transferring the money. I will transfer it
with
the Bank of Baghdad, Iraq. They do International Transfer. I will not
send
it at once, I will transfer $500,000 per transaction. I will inform you
on
what to do when I finally transfer the money to you.

I am giving you all the trust and I believe that with the help of God,
we
will successfully transfer this money out of Iraq. I am optimistic that
I
will meet you soonest in your country in other to solidify our
relationship.

Please do not disclose this deal to anybody as to protect my duty with
the
US Marine.

In my next e-mail to you, I will attach my passport, my picture in Iraq
and
the money box for your comfirmation as requested. Remember, your share
still
remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. The total
amount
of the money is $19.8million dollars. I will be waiting to hear from
you as
soon as possible to proceed.

Thank you very much for your understanding and co-operation.

Regards,
Capt. Scott J. Wright
Private Email:cptscttj11021@aol.com
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
Im not sure who you are but I am interested in a finacial transcaction.

My name is Ralph Maccio but my friends call me the “karate kid”. I am in training now but could use the money. I spend most of the day waxing cars for Mr. Miaggi. He tells me that the work that I do at his place is part of my training but I think he is just lazy.

I want to help but have been fooled in the past. Could you send me a picture of your shoes to prove that you are you and that I am me and we are we.

XOXO

Ralph

———————————————————————————————————————————————–Hello,

Once again thank you for your reply.

The funds is presently placed on an escrow account with the Bank of Baghdad waiting to be transfered to your destination account in bits ($500,000.00USD). I had successfully arranged with the Managing Director of the Bank of Baghdad,Iraq on the possibilities of a hitch free transfer of the funds from the Bank of Baghdad to your destination account. I want you as a matter of great urgency to forward to me your Bank Account co-ordinates which I will forward to him to commence the transfer. He will commence the transfer in bits ($500,000.00)us dollars per transaction because it is not advisiable to transfer all at once.

Like I told you earlier I’m still on duty here in Iraq and if such amount of money is traced to my account in the united states, I shall be investigated hence I need you to assist me get the funds out, invest my share into a lucrutive business such as, Hotel Business(Five Stars) or Real Estate in your country on my behalf pending when our mission here in Iraq will be over. Remember your share still remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. So the reason why I want to send the funds to you is for investment.

In the attachment are the pictures as requested for proof. My passport, the money box and my picture all from Iraq. It wasn’t easy for me but I got no choice, I had to because you requested for it. I surprise about shoe picture again.

Do send to me the bank account details along with the underlisted:

1. Your direct contact details, Tel & Fax Numbers, (residential/official addresses)

2. The details of the nearest airport to your destination

3. A scanned copy of your International Passport/ driver’s licence for trust.

Soon I receive all needed, I shall commence with full TRUST.

Waiting.
Scott.

——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Scott,

I got your reply. You didn’t send me a picture of your shoes or feet. I will only do business with those that bare their feet. Send me a pic of those and we may transact business.

Wax on!

Ralph
———————————————————————————————————————————————

“Capt. Scott J. Wright” <scotjwrighttc@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hello,

Once again thank you for your reply.

The funds is presently placed on an escrow account with the Bank of Baghdad waiting to be transfered to your destination account in bits ($500,000.00USD). I had successfully arranged with the Managing Director of the Bank of Baghdad,Iraq on the possibilities of a hitch free transfer of the funds from the Bank of Baghdad to your destination account. I want you as a matter of great urgency to forward to me your Bank Account co-ordinates which I will forward to him to commence the transfer. He will commence the transfer in bits ($500,000.00)us dollars per transaction because it is not advisiable to transfer all at once.

Like I told you earlier I’m still on duty here in Iraq and if such amount of money is traced to my account in the united states, I shall be investigated hence I need you to assist me get the funds out, invest my share into a lucrutive business such as, Hotel Business(Five Stars) or Real Estate in your country on my behalf pending when our mission here in Iraq will be over. Remember your share still remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. So the reason why I want to send the funds to you is for investment.

In the attachment are the pictures as requested for proof. My passport, the money box and my picture all from Iraq. It wasn’t easy for me but I got no choice, I had to because you requested for it. I surprise about shoe picture again.

Do send to me the bank account details along with the underlisted:

1. Your direct contact details, Tel & Fax Numbers, (residential/official addresses)

2. The details of the nearest airport to your destination

3. A scanned copy of your International Passport/ driver’s licence for trust.

Soon I receive all needed, I shall commence with full TRUST.

Waiting.
Scott.
…..

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

After a few hours he just sends me a letter cursing me out.

It is for you, Costco hot-dogs, that I endure the scorn and hatred of the girls at the Costco snack center.

It is for you that I endure the looks of disgust and contempt.

This is my tale. My tale of the lengths I will go to to enjoy your buttery goodness. Your tasty hotdoggedness. (I made that word up)

I go to Costco once a week. I end my shopping with a lovely hot dog. Every time its always the same scornful look from behind the counter.
I see all the dog’s in their hot dog sauna, so shiny and happy looking. Just waiting to be consumed in all their processed glory.
The girl behind the counter always looks at me with disdain, like ” you fat pig, you again. Cant get enough of the hot dogs.”
Doesn’t matter which girl it’s always the same.
I took my nephew last week, thought I’d have him buy the dog so that I might stay out of the line of the stink eye you always give me. Not this time, you saw me and his resemblance to me and it was on.

If you had a tip jar I would gladly tip you as to maybe side step this nasty dance we do. It’s always the same. I am really a very nice fellow, I just have this monkey or should I say hotdog on my back.

I went in today, a bit scared and with visions of hotdoggery in my head.I went to the counter you asked “what”, not what I would like but “What”. I snapped. I told you, within earshot of all those within 10 feet, hot dogs are American. I asked you if you could think of any other food, besides apple pie, that was more patriotic. For some reason at that point I told you that if I don’t get one the terrorist’s will win.The people around me stood in a mixture of unbelief and horror. A few wanted to cheer, I could sense it. Those were the people who’s love of the dog was only matched by the fear of the judgment you cast around like so much churro sugar. I want a churro as well.

I am sorry for playing the the patriotism card, I just want that damned dog.

Why in the name of Mohamed’s mustache wax do you have to make it so hard?

No, this is the good one!

That’s the joke I like to play on those that seem a bit uncomfortable asking me about my eye. Its actually a replaced cornea that was badly scarred. I wish I had a story about how it happened like I was injured trying to find Ossama Bin Laden or it was injured during a fight with ghost pirates. Alas nothing as glamorous. The iris is stretched and it looks like a cat’s eye. I usually hear “that’s cool” and I reply with my old standard ” how cool, cool enough for you to want to give me cash/ make out/ wash my car”? No takers yet, but I am patient. I digress.

The shape of the eye sometime give an ominous look leading people to think that I am scowling at them. I found out this was known as the stink/skunk/evil eye. My usual jocularity and silly antics put people at ease and I no longer am placed in the “mean guy” category. With that said I will now retell a story, a story of pain, a story of disgust and trauma.

It was a glorious spring day. A day that could put the most devout curmudgeon and Nair-do-well in the best of spirits. A day when I took no offense at doing one of my least favorite chores. Mowing the lawn. I hate all the prep and extras that one does just to cut grass. Shovel poop, empty the catcher, fill the garbage bags and so on. I call shenanigans on all that! I’m a free spirit! I will just forgo the catcher and that other drudgery that keeps me from the sweet sweet smell of fresh cut grass.

I mow. I mow sans catcher(the little rocks that gently pelt my shins are not bad). The grass will fly out the catcher attachment, dry up and blow away. No problem. I mow over the dog doody. It’ll scatter all over and not be a problem.

Halfway though I see a pile, take aim and run over it. I never thought a piece of poo could exit the catcher hole, catch the wind and hit me. The odds of that are huge. Even greater are the odds of that same poo making a turn, catching an updraft and flying at my eye! The stink eye non the less. It was like a scene from the matrix only with dog poo. It was horrible and I still carry the scars. What I can’t figure out is why I felt running around like a mad man yelling “poo” would help me. Alas it helped not.

So now when I am asked about my “stink eye” I do have a story. Not a good one and a fairly unsettling one but a story non the less.