Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

‘Wild’ Bill Jenkins, Washington D.C.

In light of the recent disastrous effects of the mortgage crisis on Wall Street, government economists are reconsidering how ‘Great’ the Great Depression really was.

Dr. Percy Stanwich of the government sponsored think tank, Center for Economic and Historic Policy, said that there is a possibility that the current economic downturn may eclipse the Great Depression. “If this current situation grows worse we are going to have to take a hard look at renaming the Great Depression” said Dr. Stanwich. “The best name that my colleagues and I have come up with so far is ‘The Pretty Good Depression’.” Dr. Stanwich went on to say” Of course we don’t mean ‘good’ in terms of assigning a positive value but hey, if this current situation continues heading south then ‘The Great Depression’ can’t really be termed ‘Great’ now can it”.

After speaking with other members of the Center for Economic and Historic Policy I learned that current economic indicators may be very dire when extrapolated out over the next few years. They estimate the possibility that the U.S. economy could shrink by as much as 15% on a sustained basis causing a depression which would, in their terms, be ‘Great’. “We would like to reclaim the term ‘Great’ in the event that the current downturn surpasses the 1929 to 1939 period known as the Great Depression” stated PhD Evan Gottersmith, who was former head of the economics department at Dartmouth University. “This may necessitate renaming that period as ‘The Pretty Good Depression” commented Dr. Gottersmith. “We have also entertained the names ‘The Excellent Depression’, ‘The Great Depression number 1’’, as well as ‘The Big Bad Depression’. Dr. Gottersmith continued “we settled however on the ‘Pretty Good Depression’ because as big a deal as it was, we would really like to reserve that type of nomenclature for something special”.

The members of the think tank are planning to suggest to the current congress and administration that history books be changed by next Tuesday.

I was talking with a friend the other day about how rude and angry some people can be. I told him that I had worked in customer service for a few years and had my life threatened and asked to step outside more than a few times. My response was usually the same, very polite and then I’d inform them I can’t meet them outside as I was still at work but I get off at 6. That usually worked, usually.

One guy walked in, started yelling as he threw his phone at me. Bla bla my phone don’t work. Bla bla you sold me a piece of crap. I let him go on for 20 minutes then picked up the phone and powered it on. I told him he had to hold the power button on for 2 seconds not just jab at it then cuss allot. He seemed embarrassed and complained how his service was so bad just to justify his tirade. He asked to use the restroom and I showed him the way then went back out to the floor as we were busy that day.

About 15 minutes later I heard my manager yell. I ran to the hullabaloo and saw him peering into the bathroom. Did someone slip and fall ? Why wasn’t he helping? I looked in the bathroom to see a huge steaming turd in the middle of floor. What maniac would do this? Did someone miss the potty by 5 feet? No, this was a revenge turd.

I was angry, disgusted and dare I say impressed. This guy was so mad that he summoned this demon from the netherworld and crouched in the middle of the room to let loose. He then walked out of the front door as if nothing happened. I cant imagine being so mad that I would just make #2 on the floor. I think the American Psychological Association has named this illness, Anger Pooping.

Anyways I hope that guy feels better and that ATT will charge him for the Bio-hazard team that we had to hire to clean up his chocolate rage.

Monkeychapps.com

Thank you for being here Mr. Obama.

Barack Obama

Its my pleasure.

Monkeychapps.com

Can I ask what made you want to get into politics?

Barack Obama

I think this country needs change

Monkeychapps.com

That’s understandable but could you be a bit more specific?

Barack Obama

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Monkeychapps.com

What does that even mean?

Barack Obama

Yes. We. Can

Monkeychapps.com

You are not good with the words are you?

Barack Obama

Hope and change, and change and hope!

Monkeychapps.com

I think I’ll end the interview here seeing that I have taxed the limits of your lexicon, thank you and good day sir.

I said good day!

ST. LOUIS, Mo. - Sen. Barack Obama’s foes seized Sunday upon a brief slip of the tongue, when the Democratic presidential nominee was outlining his Christianity but accidentally said, “my Muslim faith.”

The three words — immediately corrected — were during an exchange with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos on “This Week,” when he was trying to criticize the quiet smear campaign suggesting he is a Muslim.

But illustrating the difficulty of preventing false rumors about his faith from spreading, anti-Obama groups within one hour of the interview had sliced it out of context and were sending it around via email. They also were blogging about it.

Mr. Obama, who is a Christian and often proudly speaks about how his faith has influenced his public service, said he finds it “deeply offensive” that there are efforts “coming out of the Republican camp to suggest that perhaps I’m not who I say I am when it comes to my faith.”

The exchange came after Mr. Obama said that Republicans are attempting to scare voters by suggesting he is not Christian, which McCain campaign manager Rick Davis said was “cynical.”

Asked about it on ABC, Mr. Obama said, “These guys love to throw a rock and hide their hand.”

“The McCain campaign has never suggested you have Muslim connections,” said Mr. Stephanopoulos, who repeatedly interrupted Mr. Obama during the interview.

“I don’t think that when you look at what is being promulgated on Fox News, let’s say, and Republican commentators who are closely allied to these folks,” Mr Obama responded, and Mr. Stephanopoulos interrupted: “But John McCain said that’s wrong.”

Mr. Obama noted that when Republican vice presidential nominee Gov. Sarah Palin “was forced” to talk about her pregnant 17-year-old daughter, he issued a forceful statement to reporters that the line of inquiry was “off limits.” But he said the McCain campaign tried to tie him to “liberal blogs that support Obama” and are “attacking Governor Palin.”

“Let’s not play games,” he said. “What I was suggesting — you’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith. And you’re absolutely right that that has not come.”

Mr. Stephanopoulos interrupted with, “Christian faith.”

“My Christian faith,” Mr. Obama said quickly. “Well, what I’m saying is that he hasn’t suggested that I’m a Muslim. And I think that his campaign’s upper echelons have not, either. What I think is fair to say is that, coming out of the Republican camp, there have been efforts to suggest that perhaps I’m not who I say I am when it comes to my faith — something which I find deeply offensive, and that has been going on for a pretty long time.”

Asked to comment on the accidental misstatement illustrating the difficulty of the issue, Obama spokesman Bill Burton offered this comment: “I’m not surprised that the only outlet doing this story is The Washington Times.”

You can view the full context of Mr. Obama’s comments on ABC here.

Washington Times - Obama’s verbal slip fuels his critics.

Gentile reader,

As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!

I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.

“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.

I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.

Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.

20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.

I hate ADD.

Gotta go, I see something shiny.

I hate the French!

Ya that’s right, I said it.

I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).

Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.

Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.

Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.

Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.

I leave you with this and you may decide.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

Monkee out