Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Gentile reader,

As you may know, I have many odd medical conditions as I have spoken of here, here and here. This is a good one as well. Nothing has freaked me out as much as my latest oddity.

I was sitting in my favorite chair, legs crossed as I penned my latest missive to Ron Paul to tell him how he has affected my life and that he is nuttier than a chipmunk turd( I write him once a week lest he forget). I got up to get a soda and felt an odd tingle in my crotch (not like that you perverts). I knew this feeling, my crotch had fallen asleep!

I didn’t know this was possible and was scared. Legs or feet that fall asleep are in fact you just feeling in the loss of blood flow to that part of the body but this was localized. Nothing below or above my crotch had this same feeling. I was in full freak-out! I stood up, no good. I tried to “walk it off”, that helps with legs but not here. I paced back and forth thinking if I should call 911.

“Yes hello, I have severe tingling in my groin……. Yes I know this line is for emergencies and I’m not joking”. Thats how the call would go, or so I imagined. I thought it best not to call.

I stopped, thought about it rationally and sat back down in the chair. Just as I thought! The seams of my cargo pants run across my femoral arteries and when I cross my legs the cut blood flow to the arteries. Not much but enough to freak my freak.

Problem solved! Blood flow normalized. I sat back in my chair and crossed my legs.

20 minutes later, you guessed it.It happens again.

I hate ADD.

Gotta go, I see something shiny.

I hate the French!

Ya that’s right, I said it.

I don’t know when it started but I recall being 6 and when offered French toast I replied with a hardy “hell no”. As I grew older and learned more about history my disdain for all things French grew. I don’t like their people, their bread, their kissing nor their women. They are all together odorous people (literally and figuratively).

Now, with that said, I wish to recall the story of Lance Armstrong and the sissy sport that he excels, riding a bike. Only the French would raise this sport to the heights it has achieved and only an American could beat the bat-crap out of them in a sport they invented.

Not any American, one who only has 1 nut. He whipped up on Frenchy not once but 7 times! In a row. How proud would you feel that a guy that had a horrible disease got well and then dominated a sport that you invented just so that you would have a chance against other countries? He won 5 times, thought about retiring then decided that even though he was getting older he would have another go at it. He beat them again.

Dear reader, Lance Armstrong is a true American. He took an idea that another country came up with and did it better that anyone in that country.

Now some of you might be saying ” Whoa, slow down there. I’m sure France had some victories somewhere”.

I leave you with this and you may decide.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

Monkee out

People who fall for so-called “Nigerian scams” aren’t victims at all—in fact, they’re greedy and should be jailed, according to Nigerian high commissioner Sunday Olu Agbi. He said today that Nigeria has gained a bad reputation because of the scams perpetrated by a minuscule number of people, and that those who find themselves involved with the scams are equally as guilty as those running them.

“The Nigerian Government frowns very seriously on these scams… and every day tries to track down those who are involved,” Olu Agbi told the Sydney Morning Herald in response to a previous article on Australians falling for Nigerian scams. “People who send their money are as guilty as those who are asking them to send the money.”

Out of the 140 million people in Nigeria, Olu Agbi said that fewer than 0.1 percent were involved in Nigerian scams. The scams, also referred to as 419 scams or advance-fee fraud, predate the Internet, but have exploded in recent years thanks to the proliferation of e-mail and instant money transfers. Although the scams can take on many forms—from payments for products sold on eBay or Craigslist, to deposits on houses and purchases of plane tickets for “true love” on the other side of the ocean—they all follow the same general theme.

Scammers send huge checks to unsuspecting victims with some story attached to explain the overpayment, and the victim is expected to wire back the difference immediately. Eventually when the checks are deposited, they bounce and the victim is out a lot of money. Sometimes, victims are tricked into thinking they’ll eventually be paid back and continue to participate in this endless cycle of sending money, especially if the scammer is wooing them romantically (which happens more commonly than one might think, to both men and women).

Although this kind of fraud originates from all over the world, it seems to have an unusually high concentration in Africa and, specifically, Nigeria. This has, unsurprisingly, cast Nigeria in a negative light. Olu Agbi said that Nigeria’s reputation for being involved with the scams has even hurt the country’s ability to land business deals. “[T]hose who want to transact business with us are always very suspicious,” he told the newspaper.

Still, Olu Agbi’s “blame the victim” mentality won’t help Nigeria win any friends, but education on how to spot 419 scams and avoid falling for them can certainly go a long way in curbing their growth. After all, once victims stop blindly forking over cash, scammers will have to figure out some other way to make money.

YouTube - The Dark Knight- Joker Interrogation Scene Spoof.

Brandon! Brandon! Brandon, come here!

Thats what I heard for five minutes while we were in the Quicky Mart. Your 3 year old was running all over and knocking stuff down while you and your Whiskey Tango (white trash) wife were getting your post methadone clinic Big Gulps. You would just just yell every 30 seconds “Brandon come here” like an hillbilly fog horn. I wanted to yell “turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch fruit, yelling Brandon every thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting “. I chose not to as I just wanted out of there.

I paid and left and I guess you paid as well as you came out of the store as I was unlocking my car. Brandon came running out of the door and straight towards the open traffic. At 2 foot he would run right by me and not be seen by the car that was coming. I glanced at you hoping to see a look of horror as you realized the impending impact but not you were busy playing with a coupon for Skoal Bandits. I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of that car and then walked him over to you for what I thought would be a hero’s welcome.

Not so much. You just squared off and said that I should get my hands off of your son. I asked you if you were sure he was your son because your wife looks like a real goer, know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

I have since found out that Monty Python references seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.

You raised your fists, started to say something and kicked you square in the nuts. I’m not a fighter, I’m not a lover either but what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the soda in my right hand. So in retrospect I am sorry I kicked you in the balls but I felt threatened and reacted.

I hope Brandon is ok and you are feeling better. The soda was delicious.

I was talking with a friend the other day about how rude and angry some people can be. I told him that I had worked in customer service for a few years and had my life threatened and asked to step outside more than a few times. My reponse was usally the same, very polite and then I’d inform them I can’t meet them outside as I was still at work but I get off at 6. That usually worked, usually.

One guy walked in, started yelling as he threw his phone at me. Bla bla my phone don’t work. Bla bla you sold me a piece of crap. I let him go on for 20 minutes then picked up the phone and powered it on. I told him he had to hold the power button on for 2 seconds not just jab at it then cuss allot. He seemed embarrassed and complained how his service was so bad just to justify his tirade. He asked to use the restroom and I showed him the way then went back out to the floor as we were busy that day.

About 15 minutes later I heard my manager yell. I ran to the hullabaloo and saw him peering into the bathroom. Did someone slip and fall ? Why wasn’t he helping? I looked in the bathroom to see a huge steaming turd in the middle of floor. What maniac would do this? Did someone miss the potty by 5 feet? No, this was a revenge turd.

I was angry, disgusted and dare I say impressed. This guy was so mad that he summoned this demon from the netherworld and crouched in the middle of the room to let loose. He then walked out of the front door as if nothing happened. I cant imagine being so mad that I would just make #2 on the floor. I think the American Psychological Association has named this illness,  Anger Pooping.

Anyways I hope that guy feels better and that ATT will charge him for the Bio-hazard team that we had to hire to clean up his chocolate rage.

Thats right bitches I am banning you.

I’m banning your auto system that you claim you don’t have that votes people down.

I’m banning your groups of friends that im each other in the wee hours of the night just to get on the front page.

I’m banning your ideals of a place where people could review sights that they might have never seen otherwise that was just a ploy to increase market share.

I’m banning you for banning me. You said I Dugg to often. What does that mean?

Most of all I’m banning you for the fact that I never again want to hear a dude ask me to Digg his stuff. I’m a bit to insecure for that.

Take notice that you have been banned.

Good day sir.

I said good day!

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail and for accepting my offer. I apologize for my
late
reply, it’s due to my duty here. Since your last email to me on the
month of
November,2007 I couldn’t reply back because my troops were camping at
the
road to the Jordanian border, that makes it difficult for me to check
my e-
mail. I have every proof of this transaction but only need your
assistance
in smuggling this money out of Iraq.

I am ready now to transfer the money to you. I want you to send your
banking
details to enable me start transferring the money. I will transfer it
with
the Bank of Baghdad, Iraq. They do International Transfer. I will not
send
it at once, I will transfer $500,000 per transaction. I will inform you
on
what to do when I finally transfer the money to you.

I am giving you all the trust and I believe that with the help of God,
we
will successfully transfer this money out of Iraq. I am optimistic that
I
will meet you soonest in your country in other to solidify our
relationship.

Please do not disclose this deal to anybody as to protect my duty with
the
US Marine.

In my next e-mail to you, I will attach my passport, my picture in Iraq
and
the money box for your comfirmation as requested. Remember, your share
still
remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. The total
amount
of the money is $19.8million dollars. I will be waiting to hear from
you as
soon as possible to proceed.

Thank you very much for your understanding and co-operation.

Regards,
Capt. Scott J. Wright
Private Email:cptscttj11021@aol.com
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
Im not sure who you are but I am interested in a finacial transcaction.

My name is Ralph Maccio but my friends call me the “karate kid”. I am in training now but could use the money. I spend most of the day waxing cars for Mr. Miaggi. He tells me that the work that I do at his place is part of my training but I think he is just lazy.

I want to help but have been fooled in the past. Could you send me a picture of your shoes to prove that you are you and that I am me and we are we.

XOXO

Ralph

———————————————————————————————————————————————–Hello,

Once again thank you for your reply.

The funds is presently placed on an escrow account with the Bank of Baghdad waiting to be transfered to your destination account in bits ($500,000.00USD). I had successfully arranged with the Managing Director of the Bank of Baghdad,Iraq on the possibilities of a hitch free transfer of the funds from the Bank of Baghdad to your destination account. I want you as a matter of great urgency to forward to me your Bank Account co-ordinates which I will forward to him to commence the transfer. He will commence the transfer in bits ($500,000.00)us dollars per transaction because it is not advisiable to transfer all at once.

Like I told you earlier I’m still on duty here in Iraq and if such amount of money is traced to my account in the united states, I shall be investigated hence I need you to assist me get the funds out, invest my share into a lucrutive business such as, Hotel Business(Five Stars) or Real Estate in your country on my behalf pending when our mission here in Iraq will be over. Remember your share still remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. So the reason why I want to send the funds to you is for investment.

In the attachment are the pictures as requested for proof. My passport, the money box and my picture all from Iraq. It wasn’t easy for me but I got no choice, I had to because you requested for it. I surprise about shoe picture again.

Do send to me the bank account details along with the underlisted:

1. Your direct contact details, Tel & Fax Numbers, (residential/official addresses)

2. The details of the nearest airport to your destination

3. A scanned copy of your International Passport/ driver’s licence for trust.

Soon I receive all needed, I shall commence with full TRUST.

Waiting.
Scott.

——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Scott,

I got your reply. You didn’t send me a picture of your shoes or feet. I will only do business with those that bare their feet. Send me a pic of those and we may transact business.

Wax on!

Ralph
———————————————————————————————————————————————

“Capt. Scott J. Wright” <scotjwrighttc@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hello,

Once again thank you for your reply.

The funds is presently placed on an escrow account with the Bank of Baghdad waiting to be transfered to your destination account in bits ($500,000.00USD). I had successfully arranged with the Managing Director of the Bank of Baghdad,Iraq on the possibilities of a hitch free transfer of the funds from the Bank of Baghdad to your destination account. I want you as a matter of great urgency to forward to me your Bank Account co-ordinates which I will forward to him to commence the transfer. He will commence the transfer in bits ($500,000.00)us dollars per transaction because it is not advisiable to transfer all at once.

Like I told you earlier I’m still on duty here in Iraq and if such amount of money is traced to my account in the united states, I shall be investigated hence I need you to assist me get the funds out, invest my share into a lucrutive business such as, Hotel Business(Five Stars) or Real Estate in your country on my behalf pending when our mission here in Iraq will be over. Remember your share still remains the same 50% out of the total amount of the money. So the reason why I want to send the funds to you is for investment.

In the attachment are the pictures as requested for proof. My passport, the money box and my picture all from Iraq. It wasn’t easy for me but I got no choice, I had to because you requested for it. I surprise about shoe picture again.

Do send to me the bank account details along with the underlisted:

1. Your direct contact details, Tel & Fax Numbers, (residential/official addresses)

2. The details of the nearest airport to your destination

3. A scanned copy of your International Passport/ driver’s licence for trust.

Soon I receive all needed, I shall commence with full TRUST.

Waiting.
Scott.
…..

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

After a few hours he just sends me a letter cursing me out.

It is for you, Costco hot-dogs, that I endure the scorn and hatred of the girls at the Costco snack center.

It is for you that I endure the looks of disgust and contempt.

This is my tale. My tale of the lengths I will go to to enjoy your buttery goodness. Your tasty hotdoggedness. (I made that word up)

I go to Costco once a week. I end my shopping with a lovely hot dog. Every time its always the same scornful look from behind the counter.
I see all the dog’s in their hot dog sauna, so shiny and happy looking. Just waiting to be consumed in all their processed glory.
The girl behind the counter always looks at me with disdain, like ” you fat pig, you again. Cant get enough of the hot dogs.”
Doesn’t matter which girl it’s always the same.
I took my nephew last week, thought I’d have him buy the dog so that I might stay out of the line of the stink eye you always give me. Not this time, you saw me and his resemblance to me and it was on.

If you had a tip jar I would gladly tip you as to maybe side step this nasty dance we do. It’s always the same. I am really a very nice fellow, I just have this monkey or should I say hotdog on my back.

I went in today, a bit scared and with visions of hotdoggery in my head.I went to the counter you asked “what”, not what I would like but “What”. I snapped. I told you, within earshot of all those within 10 feet, hot dogs are American. I asked you if you could think of any other food, besides apple pie, that was more patriotic. For some reason at that point I told you that if I don’t get one the terrorist’s will win.The people around me stood in a mixture of unbelief and horror. A few wanted to cheer, I could sense it. Those were the people who’s love of the dog was only matched by the fear of the judgment you cast around like so much churro sugar. I want a churro as well.

I am sorry for playing the the patriotism card, I just want that damned dog.

Why in the name of Mohamed’s mustache wax do you have to make it so hard?

No, this is the good one!

That’s the joke I like to play on those that seem a bit uncomfortable asking me about my eye. Its actually a replaced cornea that was badly scarred. I wish I had a story about how it happened like I was injured trying to find Ossama Bin Laden or it was injured during a fight with ghost pirates. Alas nothing as glamorous. The iris is stretched and it looks like a cat’s eye. I usually hear “that’s cool” and I reply with my old standard ” how cool, cool enough for you to want to give me cash/ make out/ wash my car”? No takers yet, but I am patient. I digress.

The shape of the eye sometime give an ominous look leading people to think that I am scowling at them. I found out this was known as the stink/skunk/evil eye. My usual jocularity and silly antics put people at ease and I no longer am placed in the “mean guy” category. With that said I will now retell a story, a story of pain, a story of disgust and trauma.

It was a glorious spring day. A day that could put the most devout curmudgeon and Nair-do-well in the best of spirits. A day when I took no offense at doing one of my least favorite chores. Mowing the lawn. I hate all the prep and extras that one does just to cut grass. Shovel poop, empty the catcher, fill the garbage bags and so on. I call shenanigans on all that! I’m a free spirit! I will just forgo the catcher and that other drudgery that keeps me from the sweet sweet smell of fresh cut grass.

I mow. I mow sans catcher(the little rocks that gently pelt my shins are not bad). The grass will fly out the catcher attachment, dry up and blow away. No problem. I mow over the dog doody. It’ll scatter all over and not be a problem.

Halfway though I see a pile, take aim and run over it. I never thought a piece of poo could exit the catcher hole, catch the wind and hit me. The odds of that are huge. Even greater are the odds of that same poo making a turn, catching an updraft and flying at my eye! The stink eye non the less. It was like a scene from the matrix only with dog poo. It was horrible and I still carry the scars. What I can’t figure out is why I felt running around like a mad man yelling “poo” would help me. Alas it helped not.

So now when I am asked about my “stink eye” I do have a story. Not a good one and a fairly unsettling one but a story non the less.

I don’t know any other person that replies to spam emails, or at least take joy in doing so. I have replied to a few and found the best replies back have lots of big words to confuse them. I will update this post asap.
—————
“Mr.Peter T S Wong” wrote:

Good day Sir/Madam,

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr.Peter T S Wong director of
operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd in Hong Kong.I have an obscured
business suggestion for you. Before the U.S and Iraqi war one of our
client Colonel Sadiq Uday who was with the Iraqi forces and also
businessman made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with
a value of One hundred & twenty five million, seven hundred & fifty
thousand U.S
dollars only in my branch.

Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war
which began in 2003. Again after the war another notification was sent
and still no response came from him. We later find out that the General
along with his wife and only daughter had been killed during the war
in a bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that Colonel Sadiq
Uday did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including
the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last
time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in
my bank. So, One hundred & twenty five million, seven hundred & fifty
thousand U.S
dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to
claim it.

When I discovered he and his family is dead i had to look for a very
reliable person who can stand as the Next of kin to that funds , so
that the funds will be transfered out of the bank immediately. What
bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the
expiration 5 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the
Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and send me the
following.

(1)Full names, (2)Private Phone number (3)Current residential
address, (4)Occupationn (5)Age and Proffession.

Therefore , if you know you are capable of involving in this mouth
watering transaction, please send me an email to my Private email below
, so that i will give you more details about this transaction and how
we will successfully carry out this transaction without any risk
involved.

Mr.Peter T S Wong
Email:mr_peter14@yahoo.com.hk

Hello!

Hello dear sir and thank you for your missive dated 28 May in the year of our Lord 2008. I am delighted in your obscured
business suggestion !

A little about me, my name is Bilbo Baggings and I live on a small tract of land called the shire.

I am capable of involving in this mouth
watering transaction but I need a picture of you to reaffirm you are you and I am I before we can be us. Please take a picture of your feet as that will prove you are a real person.

Please help me find the precious!

BB
——————————————

I tend to be a kind person, a gentleman of sorts. A goodly fellow well met and a enthusiast of all things nice.

People in Phoenix are driven mad by the heat and might act in a way that they usually wouldn’t.

Case in point, I’m driving down one of our larger streets and its rush hour and hot. Most people just want to get home and out of the heat others get all Jekyll and Hyde. I’m cruising along, doing the speed limit when a large truck appears in the rear view. Hes weaving in and out of lanes apparently as to get to the red light faster. Never understood this behavior but to each his own. I’m in the right lane and he swerves in behind me in a maneuver that would make Batman proud. I’m stopped dude! I know you want to make a right but the lane I’m in goes straight as well just wait the 25 seconds for the light to change and we are all good.

He wasn’t having it, he lays on the horn as if the sound is some Pavlovian key to make me change my intended route. Honk honk, honk honk oh crap hes out of his car and headed my way. Did I do something? I didn’t flip him the bone nor make any aggressive moves. Time to go through the checklist.

Windows up, check
Doors locked, check
Eyes forward, check
Secondary egress route planned, check
Radio tuned to 80’s music, check (ok, that last one is just for me)

He get up to my window and starts yelling. He is either calling me an ass or he wants to dance, I cant tell. I don’t have time to explain that I’m partially deaf and I don’t think he wants to discuss my disabilities. I have found that if you let these guys blow off steam they’ll go away plus I saw a cop three cars back getting interested in this man who’s blocking traffic and is out of his car hopping mad in the street. Now to be fair he might have been doing a jig instead of hopping but I digress.

He moves towards my windshield as to get in my face or at least as close as an inch of safety glass will allow. I was now in full freak out mode! I didn’t see a weapon and he never bashed my car or made for the door handles but now he was a foot away and as I finished my last chant of “serenity now” I lost all composure.

Have I ever told you about my incredibly powerful windshield water nozzles? I am always amazed that the engineers of the Toyota Camry thought it’d be a good idea to attach fire hoses to bonnet of my car. Its not even the great force and large amount of water that comes out its the speed and trajectory. I almost think it would erode the glass if you used it too much. Its truly amazing!

Back to the narrative, sorry. I hit the wipers and not only does he get in the back but water stream that does make to the window hits the corner of the glass on bounces into his face. He backs away, the light turns green and I slowly drive off.

The next red light I come too is only a few hundred meters ahead and I look in the rear view to see a soggy man on the sidewalk, head hung low as he talks to a cop. I look to my left and see a car with 4 people, three laughing and one smiling and giving me not one but two thumbs up.

I guess the moral to this story (to answer that irate drivers questions) is YES.

Yes I do own the road and yes I am the law!

Monkee out

As I watched her final speech last night I realized why she lost, it was her supporters. Not the lack of them rather the lack of a few crucial chromosomes.

As you watch them pay special attention to the freak over right shoulder, with that said enjoy.

I am not what one would call a gourmet. Not a gastronomical engineer nor a culinary specialist. My meals are usually ordered through a clowns head of some sort then delivered by a person who’s lack of hygiene is only rivaled by their apathy. But I digress.

I decide that I need to learn hot to cook bake or at the very least make food hot in preparation for consumption. To that end I hit the grocery store and searched for a home made meal that wouldn’t tax my limited skills. I settled on fish sticks and coleslaw, best not to set the bar too high.

I got the fish sticks home and remebered that I needed tartar sauce. Whats in that anyway? Just mayo and pickles and some other stuff, I can make that. I took the sticks out and read the directions on the box, heat in oven for bla bla bla. I was already bored and thought that the crux of cooking was just applying heat. Who cares where it comes from, right? That when I saw it, the toaster. It works for pop tarts why not this application. Why hasn’t this been done before, why not this method on the box. I think the fish people have a deal with the oven people. But I digress, twice now.

Now onto the tarter sauce. A little mayo, a bit of relish and what else? I know it needs something else. How bout those horsey sauce packets I got from Arby’s? Something else, something crunchy. Baco bits! I love bacon, I love mayo.

Now that I have the sauce time to put the sticks in the toaster, I can get half of a box in here.

Without boring you I will tell you of my findings.

1. The sauce was disgusting, although crunchy.

2. The tensile strength of fish sticks when place upright is greatly degraded. After 3 minutes the oils in the fish turn the coating into little balls and the integrity of the whole stick is compromised.

3. When the sticks are cooked into a toaster said toaster is never the same and will always reek of hot fish oil.

4. When the toaster ejects the finished sticks all that emerges are thousands of tiny hot and oily crumbs. Its like a ticker tape parade but with steaming fish balls.

After I cleaned up the mess the next words to come out of my mouth were ” ya I’d like a #3 combo, can you super size that for me”.

Living in a smaller town where the winter weather makes it hard to travel to far I am rather limited as far as shopping. Usually this is ok as most of the places that I need to are close. I avoid Walmart with all I have. I hate that nexus of the retarded, the morbidly obese (not just regular obese) and the mouth-breathers. Walmart is terrible, bla bla and Ill write more about it later but this story isn’t about the store its the horror before I get in.

As usual the parking lot was a bittersweet melange of people that appear to be the cast from a zombie movie and folks that got of the short bus. I drive slowly as to not hit the 1951 Hudson parked in two handicapped spaces. I pass the VW buss with the broken windows covered with cardboard. I finally park and walk in.

I was at this store a few weeks ago when the weather was a bit more pleasant. This time I am greeted by a sign that states no shoes, no shirt no service. WTF, I haven’t seen those in decades. Why you ask? Because people know better. What kind of mindless troglodytes are you catering to that you need to remind them to wear footwear and cover the Iron Maiden tatt on their nipple?

Sweat feathery Buddha, its 10 degrees outside. Do people just want to get all freaky at Walmart. Does the low prices engender stripping. Do the red vests just make people randy.

Yes they do. I shopped for laundry detergent and kitchen garbage bags. I did this sans shirt. I will not apologize, for it was sexy and dare I say liberating.

We all have run into that guy, the office pest. Not being one to take to rude/offensive behavior and havening severe ADD and way to much free time I have a few tips that might make you feel better.

Superglue a caster on his chair. It will never break free and is very annoying.

If he has his own personal radio tune the radio to the Spanish language station and superglue the dial.

On most Windows computers hitting Cntl + Alt+up arrow will flip his screen. Most people don’t know how to reverse this and the hilarity will ensue.

Pry off the M and N keys from his keyboard and switch them. They should come off with little effort.

Place an ad in the paper offering a free trained monkey, list his phone number.