Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

Sorry dude but when you wear pants like that you are inviting this kind of behavior.

I was at the mall the other day to buy some shoes at Macy’s. They were having a sale on Doc Martins and I have never found a better shoe that theirs. As I was checking out I saw a buddy of mine and we decided to head over to the food court for lunch. As we sat down I notice the table next to us was filled with 20 somethings wearing the usual stupid garb of the day, phat pants. You know what I mean, the pants that are 5 sizes to big, barely held up and 5 inches of boxers showing.

This kid turned his chair backwards and straddled it with his back towards us. There was a gap between were your pants stopped and your boxers took over, a kind of cloth backboard. I leaned over and asked my buddy if he had any change and pointed to you and I saw the light bulb flash.

We took turns tossing things into your saggy pants, you never noticed. We finished eating and moved a few tables away to watch you get up and five minutes later you did. As you arose you cinch up your pants thereby accelerating the process that I had hoped for. As you stood up 86 cents, 3 gum wrappers, a Macy’s coupon and a paper clip fell from your saggy pants. Everyone around you looked at you then the floor and laughed.

You looked a bit embarrassed but you made people laugh.

Isn’t that what clowns do?

I don’t know what came over me. We all have those silly thoughts that run through our heads sometimes but we dare not say them out loud and I think somehow, last night, the wires got a little crossed. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior, which I can assure you was a complete anomaly and will never happen again.

In case you forgot

You handed the cashier lady a coupon for something or other and she replied back to you, “this is expired.” You seemed a bit flustered. Perhaps it was the slightly rude way in which the check-out lady said it. Perhaps you are a bit obsessive compulsive. But I assure you it was quite an honest mistake.

Why I would then proceed to yell “Oh! In your face!” is beyond me.

I thought it in my head joking with myself as I’m often apt to do. But the synapses just weren’t firing correctly or something. It was instinct in it’s purest form.

Believe me I was just as embarrassed as you and the check-out lady. Perhaps even more so. Were it not for the chuckling of the people behind me that uncomfortable silence might have lasted for an eternity.

I am so sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you. But then again, serves you right for trying to save 23 cents on a Lean Cuisine.

Dear space creatures,

I pen this missive in the case that I am ever abducted. I do not wish to infringe on your rights to abduct humans I only wish to set down a few ground rules.

1. No probing of any kind!

2. If you feel the need to abduct me, call first. I will go willingly but I don’t want to be scared by a late night visit. Any time after 10 am till let’s say 7 pm.

3.If you abduct me before dinner you have to feed me. Not to be cheap but if you can afford a cool space ship you can afford quarter pounder with cheese(extra pickles please).

4. If you are going to do some medical experiments on me I ask that you treat a few ailments that I have (bad knee, lower back pain and the like).

5. No over nighters! I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I’m grumpy the next day.

6. No alien/human breeding scenarios. I don’t need to explain to the wife (when I get one) that part of my check goes to support some kid on the Androm13 home planet.

7. The only thing that I ask in exchange for participating in your experiments is that I leave with a super power of some kind.

As long as you heed these rules I’m ok with the abduction.

I had a very stressful week and was kinda bummed. I sat in the break room with my head in my hands trying to get a few moments of peace when a coworker walked to one of the vending machines and as he looked at all the snack treats and candy beans he mindlessly quoted a line from Raising Arizona. “When there weren’t no meat we ate crawdads, when there weren’t no crawdads we ate sand”. He wasn’t trying to be funny but I laughed, I hadn’t heard that since the early 90’s.

That was the chuckle I needed to finish the rest of the day. So with that in mind, enjoy! And remember “They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time”.

“Do you have a big trunk? I’m gonna put my bike in it.”

” My uncle drove a ho runner”.

“I got the poo on me!”

“Your just mad ’cause I’m flirting with hot chicks all day on-line”

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair”

“You are a smelly pirate hooker”.

“I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal”.

“Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident”.

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak. “

“Go do that voodoo that you do so well”!

“well, let’s see. He had on tan trousers, argyle socks..what? NO, HE’S NOT RETARDED”

” Hello sexy girlfriend”!

Gentle reader,

I had a life altering injury when I was a teen that left me with a few limitations and injuries that still remain. People say “AWW that’s awful, you are so brave/accomplished/sexy”. Well the sexy thing I made up but I say don’t feel sorry for me. Nay rejoice! My limitations have opened my eyes to a brand new world. Now I’m not gonna get all “My left foot” on ya and pretend that I have used my injuries to do some great feat that inspires others. No I just have a real good time with the way in which people are assholes and alternatively dumb at the say time.

It never ceases to amaze me how rude, dense and sometimes how conversely nice some people can be. In following, the people I speak of are in the former categories. They were already deemed asses and as such not deserving of my respect. Besides I would never insult a truly nice person, they are too hard to find.

So, with that said, enjoy.

I am at work and in the men’s bathroom doing my thing. Eyes straight forward as not too attract attention(see past posts about bathroom rules). A coworker enters, a guy that I have never met and says “did you know that you have a big scar on the back of your head”? I kinda froze, I wasn’t sure what to do. Went back to my desk a bit down and a buddy asked me why I was down. I told him and as I recounted the story I stared to get riled. I told my buddy that I don’t even know the guys name and thought it was beyond what could be considered a dumb comment. He agreed, said he knew of the guy and gave me his name. I sat there and thought about egging his car, breaking his nose, punching him in the throat. No I handled this monkee style. I picked up the phone and pressed *818, the code to talk over the pa system address the whole office of 112 people.

“Yes hello coworkers, I would just like to say thank you to David Smith for walking up to me in the restroom earlier and asking me if I knew I had a 6 inch scar on the back of my head. Up till this moment I had not, and if not for the brave words of David Smith I still might not be aware. Lets all give a round of applause for his great detective work and I would like to say that you should all make a point of going up to David’s desk as much as possible today to thank him, he might seem shy at first but keep trying. In fact if you have a fear that you might have scars, moles or any skin anomalies please ask David. Also please email all of your friends with Davids email address and ask them to flood Davids email inbox. Thank you”.

Needless to say I was suspended for a week, with pay. When I came back ,from my week-long vacation, David was gone and I was told that after two days of people haranguing him he just walked out the door.

So thank you David for the week of paid vacation!

This is my first of many posts about my uber-abilities.

Ok, I’m back. What were talking about?

ADD? OCD? Or just plain odd?

I’m not sure which of these I have. I believe I have a melange of all of these with a hint of narcissism and mild neuroses.

What is odd is that people that i know who have a few hints of any of these psychological disorders are all highly intelligent people that are very funny. Maybe they are funny because of them. Maybe I just view their actions through a different filter and thus find their actions funny.

My friend who can’t have anything sticky ever touch her hands.Funny.

My buddy who will drive 100 miles to save 2 cents on a gallon of gas but negates the saving by use 7 gallons of gas to make this trip.Hilarious.

My friend who wears gloves in Walmart for fear or the “germs” contained therein. Sweet!

Not to be left out, here are a few of my issues that make me stand out in the realm of neurosis.

The second I walk into a mens room I forget if the sign on the door said mens or womens and look for a urinal to confirm that this indeed is a mens room. If it has no urinal I will leave because I’m not sure.

After eating at a fast food place I raise my hands and yell ” I’m full’.

When drinking a soda I never drink the last third as I believe it to contain germs.

After having a conversation on the phone I never say “good bye” or “see you later” I just hang up.

20 to 30 times a day I furtively check to see if my zipper is up.

I am a total and complete wreck.

-Walmat has a huge parking lot

-Walmart’s parking lot is empty at 2 in the morning

-Walmart does nothing to clear the ice away

-My car has front wheel drive and a killer e-brake

-At 20 mph I can spin my car in a full circle

-After 30 minutes of doing e-brake spins in a Walmart parking lot the police will be called

-Police are very nice if your honest with them and admit to just “farting around”

-Even though you seem to have a good rapport with a police man it is unwise to comment to him “that’s a nice gun! Do they make a model for men?”

-There seems to be no hard and fast rule for when the police may use a taser

-Tasers may make you pee your own pants

Dont tase me bro!