News Headlines of Late

Filed Under (The human condition, bullshit) by Jezebel on 31-12-2008

Tagged Under : , ,

Kanye West NOT lip syncing on SNL
I think we all wish he had.  The self declared ‘voice of this generation’ sounded like William Hung..No, worse.  Yeah - I went there.

Maryland woman painted her car…With nail polish

1. If you are going to do something ghey, save money to pay for it yourself.  Handouts for stupid shit make you look both sad AND cheap.
2. How long do you think its been since home girl dove into a muff (if you saw her picture you’d agree she has never sat on a rod)?  I say too long if she has time for this crap, it took her 13 months!

A Cincinnati woman cut off her husbands hair during a fight

Wow, this is the most boring adaptation of Lorena Bobbitt’s 1993 debut since all the youtube parodies came out.  I hate when the crazies lose their creativity.

And finally - Just a little something to piss you off…
Britney Spears ex husband, Kevin Federline, who currently has sole custody of their two boys brings home a reported $30,000-35,000 a MONTH in alimony and child support.  Yes, the man who gave us “Lose Control’ and ‘Privilege’ brings home nearly what I make in a year in a month.  Move over Adnan - I’m fucking her next.
As if that wasn’t enough douchery, Brit Brit’s daddy is making a little over $16,000 a month for babysitting her ass.  Also, she has to pay for his ‘office space’ but thats only $1200 a month so no worries.  ECK!  Rich people.  $1200 a month is our rent in 2009.  Like LIVING rent.  Since when does a nanny need office space anyways?

MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors

Filed Under (The human condition) by Monkee on 01-09-2008

MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors

By Howard Kurtz

Washington Post Staff Writer

Monday, September 8, 2008; C01

MSNBC is removing Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as the anchors of live political events, bowing to growing criticism that they are too opinionated to be seen as neutral in the heat of the presidential campaign.

David Gregory, the NBC newsman and White House correspondent who also hosts a program on MSNBC, will take over during such events as this fall’s presidential and vice presidential debates and election night.

The move, confirmed by spokesmen for both networks, follows increasingly loud complaints about Olbermann’s anchor role at the Democratic and Republican conventions. Olbermann, who regularly assails President Bush and GOP nominee John McCain on his “Countdown” program, was effusive in praising the acceptance speech of Democratic nominee Barack Obama. He drew flak Thursday when the Republicans played a video that included a tribute to the victims of the Sept. 11 attacks, saying that if the networks had done that, “we would be rightly eviscerated at all quarters, perhaps by the Republican Party itself, for exploiting the memories of the dead, and perhaps even for trying to evoke that pain again. If you reacted to that videotape the way I did, I apologize.”

Matthews, who has criticized politicians in both parties, drew less criticism for his convention role but became a divisive figure during the primaries when he described how he was inspired by Obama’s speeches and made disparaging remarks about Hillary Clinton, for which he later apologized.

In May, MSNBC President Phil Griffin said in an interview that during live events Olbermann and Matthews “put on different hats. I think the audience gets it. . . . I see zero problem.”

But NBC News journalists, who often appear on the cable channel, did see a problem, arguing behind the scenes that MSNBC’s move to the left — which includes a new show, debuting tonight, for Air America radio host Rachel Maddow — was tarnishing their reputation for fairness. Tom Brokaw, the interim host of “Meet the Press,” said that at times Olbermann and Matthews went too far.

Olbermann and Matthews will remain as analysts during major political events, and officials at both networks, who declined to be identified discussing personnel moves, said Olbermann had initiated the discussions to clarify his role. They said Olbermann’s influence at MSNBC would in no way be diminished and that the shift would enable him and Matthews to offer more candid analysis during live coverage. Olbermann confirmed yesterday he had initiated the discussions.

“Phil and I have debated this set-up since late winter/early spring (with me saying, ‘Are you sure this flies?’ and him saying, ‘Yes, but let’s judge it event by event’) and I think we both reached the same point during the RNC,” Olbermann said by e-mail.

Olbermann was involved in several on-air incidents during the conventions that drew unwanted attention. He told morning host Joe Scarborough, a former Republican congressman, to “get a shovel” as Scarborough was defending the McCain campaign. And when GOP strategist Mike Murphy was debating Matthews, Olbermann could be heard saying, “Let’s wrap him up.”

These and other clashes fueled a sense that conservative voices are less than welcome at MSNBC as it has tried to position itself as a left-wing alternative to Fox News Channel. Olbermann disputes this view, calling the incidents “overblown.” Still, the network canceled Tucker Carlson’s show in March and has diminished his role. And Dan Abrams, the veteran NBC legal analyst and former MSNBC general manager, had his program dropped last month to make room for Maddow, an Olbermann protege.

MSNBC’s more liberal outlook has boosted its ratings, though it remains the third-place cable news channel. But both parties began castigating its coverage last spring. Steve Schmidt, McCain’s top strategist, called the network “an organ of the Democratic National Committee,” and Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe said Matthews was “in the tank” for Obama.

MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors.

Schadenfreude and fat pants

Filed Under (The human condition) by Monkee on 22-07-2008

Sorry dude but when you wear pants like that you are inviting this kind of behavior.

I was at the mall the other day to buy some shoes at Macy’s. They were having a sale on Doc Martins and I have never found a better shoe that theirs. As I was checking out I saw a buddy of mine and we decided to head over to the food court for lunch. As we sat down I notice the table next to us was filled with 20 somethings wearing the usual stupid garb of the day, phat pants. You know what I mean, the pants that are 5 sizes to big, barely held up and 5 inches of boxers showing.

This kid turned his chair backwards and straddled it with his back towards us. There was a gap between were your pants stopped and your boxers took over, a kind of cloth backboard. I leaned over and asked my buddy if he had any change and pointed to you and I saw the light bulb flash.

We took turns tossing things into your saggy pants, you never noticed. We finished eating and moved a few tables away to watch you get up and five minutes later you did. As you arose you cinch up your pants thereby accelerating the process that I had hoped for. As you stood up 86 cents, 3 gum wrappers, a Macy’s coupon and a paper clip fell from your saggy pants. Everyone around you looked at you then the floor and laughed.

You looked a bit embarrassed but you made people laugh.

Isn’t that what clowns do?

I drink your milkshake

Filed Under (Random!, The human condition) by Monkee on 19-07-2008

I don’t know what came over me. We all have those silly thoughts that run through our heads sometimes but we dare not say them out loud and I think somehow, last night, the wires got a little crossed. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior, which I can assure you was a complete anomaly and will never happen again.

In case you forgot

You handed the cashier lady a coupon for something or other and she replied back to you, “this is expired.” You seemed a bit flustered. Perhaps it was the slightly rude way in which the check-out lady said it. Perhaps you are a bit obsessive compulsive. But I assure you it was quite an honest mistake.

Why I would then proceed to yell “Oh! In your face!” is beyond me.

I thought it in my head joking with myself as I’m often apt to do. But the synapses just weren’t firing correctly or something. It was instinct in it’s purest form.

Believe me I was just as embarrassed as you and the check-out lady. Perhaps even more so. Were it not for the chuckling of the people behind me that uncomfortable silence might have lasted for an eternity.

I am so sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you. But then again, serves you right for trying to save 23 cents on a Lean Cuisine.

No probing please

Filed Under (Random!, The human condition) by Monkee on 17-07-2008

wwwwwwwwwww.jpg

Dear space creatures,

I pen this missive in the case that I am ever abducted. I do not wish to infringe on your rights to abduct humans I only wish to set down a few ground rules.

1. No probing of any kind!

2. If you feel the need to abduct me, call first. I will go willingly but I don’t want to be scared by a late night visit. Any time after 10 am till let’s say 7 pm.

3.If you abduct me before dinner you have to feed me. Not to be cheap but if you can afford a cool space ship you can afford quarter pounder with cheese(extra pickles please).

4. If you are going to do some medical experiments on me I ask that you treat a few ailments that I have (bad knee, lower back pain and the like).

5. No over nighters! I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I’m grumpy the next day.

6. No alien/human breeding scenarios. I don’t need to explain to the wife (when I get one) that part of my check goes to support some kid on the Androm13 home planet.

7. The only thing that I ask in exchange for participating in your experiments is that I leave with a super power of some kind.

As long as you heed these rules I’m ok with the abduction.

Didn’t you get the memo about those TPS reports?

Filed Under (The human condition) by Monkee on 16-06-2008

I had a very stressful week and was kinda bummed. I sat in the break room with my head in my hands trying to get a few moments of peace when a coworker walked to one of the vending machines and as he looked at all the snack treats and candy beans he mindlessly quoted a line from Raising Arizona. “When there weren’t no meat we ate crawdads, when there weren’t no crawdads we ate sand”. He wasn’t trying to be funny but I laughed, I hadn’t heard that since the early 90’s.

That was the chuckle I needed to finish the rest of the day. So with that in mind, enjoy! And remember “They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time”.


“Do you have a big trunk? I’m gonna put my bike in it.”


” My uncle drove a ho runner”.

“I got the poo on me!”

“Your just mad ’cause I’m flirting with hot chicks all day on-line”

“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair”

“You are a smelly pirate hooker”.


“I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal”.


“Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident”.

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak. “


“Go do that voodoo that you do so well”!

“well, let’s see. He had on tan trousers, argyle socks..what? NO, HE’S NOT RETARDED”

” Hello sexy girlfriend”!

Disabilities? No uber-abilities! part 1

Filed Under (The human condition) by Monkee on 07-06-2008

Tagged Under :

Gentle reader,

I had a life altering injury when I was a teen that left me with a few limitations and injuries that still remain. People say “AWW that’s awful, you are so brave/accomplished/sexy”. Well the sexy thing I made up but I say don’t feel sorry for me. Nay rejoice! My limitations have opened my eyes to a brand new world. Now I’m not gonna get all “My left foot” on ya and pretend that I have used my injuries to do some great feat that inspires others. No I just have a real good time with the way in which people are assholes and alternatively dumb at the say time.

It never ceases to amaze me how rude, dense and sometimes how conversely nice some people can be. In following, the people I speak of are in the former categories. They were already deemed asses and as such not deserving of my respect. Besides I would never insult a truly nice person, they are too hard to find.

So, with that said, enjoy.

I am at work and in the men’s bathroom doing my thing. Eyes straight forward as not too attract attention(see past posts about bathroom rules). A coworker enters, a guy that I have never met and says “did you know that you have a big scar on the back of your head”? I kinda froze, I wasn’t sure what to do. Went back to my desk a bit down and a buddy asked me why I was down. I told him and as I recounted the story I stared to get riled. I told my buddy that I don’t even know the guys name and thought it was beyond what could be considered a dumb comment. He agreed, said he knew of the guy and gave me his name. I sat there and thought about egging his car, breaking his nose, punching him in the throat. No I handled this monkee style. I picked up the phone and pressed *818, the code to talk over the pa system address the whole office of 112 people.

“Yes hello coworkers, I would just like to say thank you to David Smith for walking up to me in the restroom earlier and asking me if I knew I had a 6 inch scar on the back of my head. Up till this moment I had not, and if not for the brave words of David Smith I still might not be aware. Lets all give a round of applause for his great detective work and I would like to say that you should all make a point of going up to David’s desk as much as possible today to thank him, he might seem shy at first but keep trying. In fact if you have a fear that you might have scars, moles or any skin anomalies please ask David. Also please email all of your friends with Davids email address and ask them to flood Davids email inbox. Thank you”.

Needless to say I was suspended for a week, with pay. When I came back ,from my week-long vacation, David was gone and I was told that after two days of people haranguing him he just walked out the door.

So thank you David for the week of paid vacation!

This is my first of many posts about my uber-abilities.