Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

So I happened to drive by my local voting place and noticed early voting was underway; so I pulled in to cast my vote.   I didn’t know I was going to be solicited by politicians in the parking lot.  There was only 2 there, but it was so lame.  They just go up to people like me and say “please vote for me, I’m trying to get elected”.  OK, that’s cool…. At least one guy handed me a lame flyer to explain who he is; he was running for senate.  Then there was a lady trying to get re-elected as justice of the peace.  If you need to go through the effort of begging random people minutes before they vote to get re-elected, doesn’t that mean people think you’re not doing such an awesome job?

I know they are just trying to get a quick dropping of their own name before people go into the booth, and maybe that helps, I haven’t looked into the stats on that.  I get the feeling if I was to actually talk to them for a while about some issues I actually care about, they would try to shoo me away as they’d be doing less name dropping.  Now I regret not talking to them.  I never think to do spontaneous funny things till later.

Mostly it would be funny to hear their answers.  I live in Texas and things are pretty “republican” here, I’m not so much so.  I really wanted to ask them about stuff like why don’t I have the option (freedom) of not living under the authority of a for profit corporation disguised as an HOA.  In my area it was nearly impossible to find a place without an HOA.  For $800 a year I better be getting some sucky sucky with that.  But I’m not, just a letter if my dog barks too loud; it must be expensive to send letters.

BY THE WAY……………….    You may have noticed I’m not “Monkee”, I took over the site and while Monkee has lots of articles about Obama being an asshat and what not, I’m quite the opposite.  I voted for Obama, so HAHAHAHAHHA.

YouTube - How Not To Use The Drive Through ATM.

It is hard for me to believe that a man with a perfectly good snow blower would revert to a shovel for any other reasons than to try to show me up. That’s what my neighbor did. Somehow I think I might have disrespected his manhood by implying that a fit younger man is a huge pussy for not using the muscles God gave him.

I never said that! I might have thought that though.

He doesn’t come out until I do, kinda like dueling banjos. As music from deliverance is playing in my head I begin to shovel. After finishing 3/4’s of my driveway I look at his driveway and he’s standing there with a clean driveway casting disdain my way.

Hey dude, your driveway is half the size of mine of course you’d finish first.

I thought yesterdays misunderstanding was just a forgotten gaff now I see that the gloves are off!
Bookmark Mania

I’m not sure about the proper etiquette when it comes to snow removal from ones driveway. I grew up in the southwest and it was never an issue. The snow fell last night and a few inches are covering my driveway. I got out the snow shovel and started at it. After a few minutes I hear my neighbor crank up his blower, nice if you have it but I like the exercise.

After 10 Min’s he rolls the snow blower over and says something that I cant hear over the din of his machine. I believe hes asking if Id like him to make quick work of my driveway, I say no that I like the workout. After a second I think that I may have insulted him, inadvertently called him a fat lazy man that cant remember the sense of accomplishment that manual labor brings. I didn’t say that but I think he thought I meant that and I tried to back-peddle and offer a olive branch. I told him that Id like to see that thing go at it and he can do the rest of my driveway.

He finishes and I thank him, that’s when he casts a look as if to say”I’m better than you, just look at my machine”.

To you my snow blowing neighbor I say “Its on”!

No morning snow, just a little frost on the thunderdome(my driveway). Ill go back to bed for a bit as it is 5 am.

1 pm, I hear the call to arms. A snow shovel against pavement? I look and see my neighbor scraping his driveway. Why? There’s no slipping risk its just a millimeter thick layer of frost.

As I look again a few moments later I see him standing a perfectly clean almost pristine driveway. That bastard! Why was he bothering with that little bit of frost that the sun would dispatch if he waited a few hours? Why would he use a old shovel when he has a new snow-blower?

I think you want to step it up, I think you want to regain the mantle of snow-master of Willow street. Well you can have my shovel when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, which might be tomorrow its supposed to be like 10 degrees.

You damn dirty ape!(Sorry to get all planet of the apes on you good readers, I was channeling Charlton Heston).

It has been silent on the front. Snow is available for us to shovel but we wait. I know hes over there plotting a way to best me and regain the title that I took in our last battle. I have soundly thrashed him thrice now and he is but a shadow of the snow gladiator that he might have been. At times like this I recall the words of Conan the Barbarian

1. See your enemies driven before you

2.Crush all opposition

3. Cry havoc and loose the shovels of war

At lest that’s how I remember it.

Its now 4, getting dark. My gambit to wait him out seems fruitless now, I mean its dark.

Its 5 now and I hear the cars of the people sloshing through the street. Vroom slosh, vroom slosh then vroom. What is that? Is a car right in front of my house revving their engine? I ignore it and the sound falls away.

Vroom!

Who pulled into my driveway to rev their engine? Has Evil Kinevel back from the dead? Why return from the nether world just to sit in my driveway? I have to look as I am a huge Evil fan.

Whats that, there is someone in my driveway. Its dark so it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust.

He’s snow-blowing my driveway in the dark! He is mad, almost diabolical. What is to be gained here. Have I driven him to this, the last act of a snow fiend? He finishes and starts back to his house, his den of inequality.

I shoot out of the front door ,showered in the light of my porch light, pump my fists in the air and raise my head to the heavens as I bellow “Kaaahn”!

This war, this Sicilian thing between us is taxing our recources and I dare the fragile precipice on which our Psyche’s hang.

The temperature is well above 30 degree and the battleground on which we fought, bled and shoveled is now slush. A consistency between an Italian icy and the Potomac in mid January. Basically there’s nothing to shovel, most of the snow has melted an runs into the storm drain.

I see him exit his house from time to time to survey the lack of any thing to shovel. He looks at the clean driveway almost in disgust then turns and returns to his house.Is he in there saving his energy? Practicing his shoveling technique? Carb loading for the storm that approaches? He is devious and I can feel a disturbance in the force. He wants the title back and I fear the machiavellian lengths that he will go to to obtain that.

I travel to local store to get some food stuffs, a jaunt to my favorite Haberdashery to pick up my new spats and hounds-tooth jacket and as I return I see a site that left me confounded.

He was shoveling the slush that runs along the side of his curb towards the storm drain. I was bewildered as this is fruitless, we live on the bottom of a sloping street. Even if one was to clear the area in front of his house to let the run off water better find the storm drain this act is pure madness. There is still a mile of slush that cant reach his cleared area. It is mad, totally for ascetic reasons and one looks like the mad-hatter doing it!

Have I driven him to this? Has his fragile ego shattered under the weight of my shoveling prodigy? For a newbie like me to take the title away from him must have been too much. I guess I understand, I am quite a sight.

He is altogether batty for this fruitless act. He has gone off the deep end. I see him out there and its sad. He thinks he can taunt me into a competition of his own making, a chore that is crazy and totally worthless. No one shovels that!

Although I do have that new shovel that I bought. It is a nice day. Hmmmmmm. I sure can use the exercise……

Ill talk to you later.

<