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This is a list of things you may do on a first date that will not lead to a second.

1. Say the word “Whoopsy” after every tiny social fax pas. Like you get butter on your jacket reaching across the table. Whoopsy

2. Tag on real sardonic “for a girl” to all your compliments, as in, “That skirt looks really nice on you… for a girl.”
3. Greet date with gifts: a) a stack of wrestling magazines b) your dirty laundry c) black orchids–the flower of death d) a bag of marbles and a large grouper.
4. Refuse to veer conversation away from Jack-O.
5. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back sopping wet, offer no explanation.
6. Eat only the parsley at dinner, lament the wasteful excessive meat and potatoes garnish.
7. Fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, “Oh no, it’s happening again.”
8. Upon meeting her, scrape finger across her shoulder, taste and say, “You’ll do.”
9. Wear a Members Only jacket, jams, and a Spuds MacKenzie hat. make references to ’80’s culture as if it were topical, e.g. “Have you seen that new ‘Pretty in Pink’ movie?”
10. Greet date with the classic “Give me five, up high, down low, you’re too slow.”
11. Repeatedly use the word “milkweed” as an adjective, as in “This has been really milkweed.”
12. Boast about your ligament strength
13. Give her fake but believable information like: a) Paul Newman has a clubfoot, b) Frank Lloyd Wright designed this restaurant
14. Rub hands together and smile fiendishly as you talk.
15. Two words: male perm.
16. Four words: wear a name tag.
17. Put parmesan cheese in your coffee.
18. When reviewing check, use fingers, calculate with deadpan concentration.
19. Every time your date begins to speak, a) open up a book b) yawn c) vomit.
20. In an accusing tone, constantly compare your date unfavorably to Gollum, as in, “Gollum didn’t smoke.”

I am looking for a woman that embodies all that I love about
Costco.

Friendly
Well kept
Great food
Free samples
Great return policy
Quality
More exclusive than those walmart and Kmart Ho’s
Cool vests(not sure what that means)
Huge electronics section(still not sure what that means)
Wide aisles(see above)
Great prices
Always makes me happy when I’m there.

So if you posses the same qualities as
Costco then you might be the one.

Ok, I know it was a strange first meeting but at least you’ll have a story to tell your girlfriends.

I was at the corner mini-mart after work to get my post work soda. I was parked in the second to last slot. I usually take the farthest slot so that no one can sneak up behind me (its a deaf thing, I can’t tell where sound is coming from and in noisy environments I try to avoid any embarrassments).

I was bent over with the passenger door open cleaning the trash from the passenger side.

Thats when it happened. You slide in behind me in a Jeep filled with two of your girlfriends and as you cut the engine I farted, right at you. I thought I was alone and loosed the aggregate farts that I had been saving all day. The sound was deafening, even to this deaf guy. The sound was akin to a cat and an empty paint can being throw into a dryer and the spun for 5 seconds. It must have scared you, it scared me.

I saw movement out of my good eye and immediately spun around in shock, I had no idea people where behind me or I wouldn’t have initiated the full launch sequence. There was a lot of road noise around us as I told you “Its my fan belt, it makes odd noises”. You saw the car keys in my hand and told me that fan belts do that sometimes but my car isn’t turned on. I scrambled for a comeback then said ” That’s how bad it is. It makes that noise even when its turned off”.

You laughed and I did. We had our little moment. As you walked in the store and I opened the drivers door to get in and you said that I might want to get that checked. I asked if you where referring to my fan belt or my digestive system. You laughed some more as I pulled away.

Dear reader, that’s the closest I get to a love connection. Screw Chuck Woolery.

I found this and wish to share. I myself am not a father but have three wonderful sisters and 5 lovely nieces. I have been accused of being overly protective but why else would God give me big muscles a menacing stare and a great knowledge of the legal system if not for their safety.  Did you know that the phrase ” I  repeated hit  him in the face with a flat iron because I was in fear for my safety” will let you walk free in most states?

http://www.smilespedia.com/10-simple-rules-for-dating-my-daughter-2/

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

Hurry, I’m lowering my standards faster than I can violate them.

Its a crazy blowout sale of hygiene/moral/personal or religious standards.

20 years older than me? Not a problem!
Morbidly(not just chubby) obese? Great!
Missing a few teeth? Who isn’t?
Sores and lesions? OK!
No job? You’re a free spirit baby!
Sit around all day watching TV? Broadening your horizons!
Schizophrenic/OCD/ just plane loco? I say crazy in the head crazy in the bed!
5 children from 6 guys? I know you’ll put out!
No social graces? Graces/smaces!
Sleep around? Hoo Raa
Never cook? Double Hoo Raa
Never clean? Awesome!
Break a sweet walking to the kitchen? Let me bring that big mac too you!
Ugly at a post? Beauty is only skin deep!
Use sex as a weapon? Gotta use what God gave you!

(Walk over to her)”Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don’t talk about it.”

Did you know that the word ‘motel’ spelled backwards means ‘letom’?

HI! Can I buy you a car?

Want to see my stamp collection?

Most people would agree that society these days has lost a bit of it’s civility. It’s a shame.

You have excellent posture.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

Are you wearing space pants? Cause your butt is out of this world.

Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn’t it?

Wow, you have some sweet birthin’ hips.

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I’m friendly and slow moving!