Monkeychapps.com

The Internet’s secret shame

In my long search to entertain America (mostly the 7 readers here, Hi mom) I have devised a first date ritual that may not only impress the ladies but bewilder and confuse them at the same time. I don’t know why I think that ladies want to be bewildered but a true Star Wars chick cant help but be impressed by this(my Monte Python idea went down in flames).

The rules are very simple, you can only respond to here by using lines from Star Wars(from the 80’s, the new ones are awful but use what you can).

Her-  Thank you for taking me to a nice restaurant I’m a bit upset that you are late.

You-  I can feel your anger… it gives you focus, it makes you stronger!

Her- I fear that I don’t get your meaning but thank you for acknowledging that.

You- Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.

Her- OK, but I’m not really angry.

You- Anger, fear, aggression… the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Her- Ok then. This is a nice place hope its not too spendy.

You- If money is all you love, then that’s what you’ll receive.

Her- Again not what I was saying, I just was it was a nice place. Err hmm……  You look nice!

You- When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.

Her-  So umm, what are your thought about the election?

You- All who gain power are afraid to lose it, even the Jedi.

Her - I guess that’s true, so you like Star Wars I take it.Would you like to be a Jedi or something?

You- The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master.

Her- Now you’re just freaking me out, I have to go.

You- I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big light blur. Look, Your Worshipfulness, let’s get one thing straight! I take orders from one person! Me!

From there it usually devolves into a shouting match and some state authorities are called. If all else fails tell her that you can make the kessel run in three parsecs.

If you find the right girl this tactic is magic, magic I say.

Ok, I know it was a strange first meeting but at least you’ll have a story to tell your girlfriends.

I was at the corner mini-mart after work to get my post work soda. I was parked in the second to last slot. I usually take the farthest slot so that no one can sneak up behind me (its a deaf thing, I can’t tell where sound is coming from and in noisy environments I try to avoid any embarrassments).

I was bent over with the passenger door open cleaning the trash from the passenger side.

Thats when it happened. You slide in behind me in a Jeep filled with two of your girlfriends and as you cut the engine I farted, right at you. I thought I was alone and loosed the aggregate farts that I had been saving all day. The sound was deafening, even to this deaf guy. The sound was akin to a cat and an empty paint can being throw into a dryer and the spun for 5 seconds. It must have scared you, it scared me.

I saw movement out of my good eye and immediately spun around in shock, I had no idea people where behind me or I wouldn’t have initiated the full launch sequence. There was a lot of road noise around us as I told you “Its my fan belt, it makes odd noises”. You saw the car keys in my hand and told me that fan belts do that sometimes but my car isn’t turned on. I scrambled for a comeback then said ” That’s how bad it is. It makes that noise even when its turned off”.

You laughed and I did. We had our little moment. As you walked in the store and I opened the drivers door to get in and you said that I might want to get that checked. I asked if you where referring to my fan belt or my digestive system. You laughed some more as I pulled away.

Dear reader, that’s the closest I get to a love connection. Screw Chuck Woolery.

UPDATE: JOHN EDWARDS LOVE CHILD SCANDAL!

Presidential candidate John Edwards is caught up in a love child scandal, a blockbuster ENQUIRER investigation has discovered.

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that Rielle Hunter, a woman linked to Edwards in a cheating scandal earlier this year, is more than six months pregnant — and she’s told a close confidante that Edwards is the father of her baby!

The ENQUIRER’s political bombshell comes just weeks after Edwards emphatically denied having an affair with Rielle, who formerly worked on his campaign and told another close pal that she was romantically involved with the married ex-senator.

The ENQUIRER has now confirmed not only that Rielle is expecting, but that she’s gone into hiding with the help of a former aide to Edwards. The visibly pregnant blonde has relocated from the New York area to Chapel Hill, N.C., where she is living in an upscale gated community near political operative Andrew Young, who’s been extremely close to Edwards for years and was a key official in his presidential campaign.

And in a bizarre twist, Young — a 41-year-old married man with young children — now claims HE is the father of Rielle’s baby! But others are skeptical, wondering if Young’s paternity claim is a cover-up to protect Edwards.

Meanwhile, Edwards’ cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth has joined him on the campaign trail.

In a statement issued to The ENQUIRER through her attorney, Rielle said: “The fact that I am expecting a child is my personal and private business. This has no relationship to nor does it involve John Edwards in any way. Andrew Young is the father of my unborn child.”

But a source extremely close to the 43-year-old divorcée says Rielle has told a far different story privately: “Rielle told me she had a secret affair with Edwards. When she found out that she was pregnant, she said he was the father.”

Rielle loves Edwards and will do anything to protect him, the source says.

In The ENQUIRER’s Oct. 22 issue, we revealed that Edwards, 54, was involved in a mistress scandal and the shocking allegations — if proven true — could devastate the Democratic hopeful’s campaign.

At the time, we withheld Rielle’s name, but reported that an insider told The ENQUIRER that she claimed that she began the affair some 18 months earlier. She talked about her relationship in phone calls and e-mails.

After our story was published, several political bloggers correctly identified “the other woman” as Rielle, a self-described filmmaker whose company was hired by a pro-Edwards group called One America Committee and paid $114,000 to produce videos for Edwards’ campaign. She worked with Edwards on those videos.

Reporters asked Edwards about The ENQUIRER report during a campaign stop in Columbia, S.C., on Oct. 11. Edwards responded: “The story is false. It’s completely untrue, ridiculous,” adding: “Anyone who knows me knows that I have been in love with the same woman for 30 plus years.”

Rielle issued her own statement through MyDD.com, a pro-Democratic Web site, saying: “The innuendos and lies that have appeared on the Internet and in the National Enquirer concerning John Edwards are not true, completely unfounded and ridiculous.

UPDATE: JOHN EDWARDS LOVE CHILD SCANDAL! - Celebrity News | Gossip - National Enquirer.

When I lived in Spokane a year ago I ran this ad as a goof. I still get replies, 213 so far. To answer your questions I never answered any replies as most freaked me out and yes I am a total tool.

I will give you what no other can.

A paper hat!

Thats right ladies your own paper hat. I will make it for you out of that days paper. If you wish I can adorn it with frilly things and semi precious stones.

Wanna be a sexy pirate? Can do.
Wanna be a French emperor? No problem
A sweet cowgirl? I can make that happen.

Paper hat baby!

Unlock that free wheeling child in you with a paper hat. Quantities are limited, I think the Spokesman only puts out a thousand a day so get yours.

I come with the paper hat too.

Mid thirties? Yep
Average looking? As average as it gets
HWP? A few extra pounds
Single? You got it, women wont touch me
Ever married? See above
Have hair? More than others but spread out across my body so that no one part gets more than the other parts
Have teeth? All 68

Act now and I will build you a fort made from couch cushions.

This is a 30 day trial offer. If you decide, for any reason not to keep me keep the paper hat as my gift to you.

The first post was a great success so I thought to indulge my writers block on post these.

I can solve one side of a Rubik’s Cube.

Hey baby, wanna be my endosymbiont?

If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Are we at the beginning of time? Because I’m expecting some Big Bang!

Want to test the Biological model of separation of species?

I wish I was a derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

You must be my integral, because you fit perfectly right under me.

Hey baby, can I raid your tomb?

I’ll be sin2 and you can be cos2 and then together, we’ll be one.

You must be the square root of 2 cause I feel irrational around you.

By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.

It doesn’t take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I would be overqualified.

You’re must be like a carbon molecule, ’cause every part of me wants to bond with you.

I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

You must know Bernoulli’s Principle, ’cause damn, you so fly!

You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.

Say, isn’t that Schoerdinger’s Dress you’re wearing? I don’t suppose there’s a chance that perhaps later on I might get to collapse your waveform?

…and the similar:

I’m like Schroedinger’s cat, because every time you look at me, I die.

Wanna recombine our DNA?

I must have a Bunsen burner in my chest, ’cause darlin’, my heart’s on fire.

I’d like to find the area under your curves.

There you were. You were wearing this thingy. You were doing this thing that caught my eye. Our eyes met. I think. Then you went over there and stopped to do something. Then something happened. Maybe somebody sneezed. Or maybe Somewhere a tree fell. I felt different then, maybe you did too.

Or not.

I just don’t know.

You looked kinda like..well, I don’t know. You know just like that chick in that flick (but it wasn’t a chick-flick) with that guy and that other chick by that famous director what’s his name. It was a comedy. A tragic comedy more or less with adventure and tension.

Anyway, I really liked you. I mean, I was attracted to you. It was like this, first I liked you then I wasn’t sure then I realized I was attracted to you and then I realized I was scared that I was starting to like you. Yeah that’s what happened. I’m pretty sure. It wasn’t quite love. It was similar to the early stages of imagined romance from what I’ve seen in French films. It was like butterflies, but not quite to the point of nausea. I would say all in all it was quite joyous in a subdued yet nerve wracking way. And very memorable with a dash of mildly feverish effervescence. You were different. Yet calming, in a girl next door kind of way.

Anyway I’m not sure how I came to this conclusion and I think you liked me too, or desired me or something. Maybe you just wanted to rob me. It’s so hard to tell these days.

Well I haven’t stopped thinking of you since then. To be honest there have been other people I have thought of since then and other things too, but not in the same way I have thought of you. More or less.

Anyway, was it you? If it was, please respond. If it wasn’t well then I may have imagined the whole thing.

I don’t wish to offend by using the term chicks, I mean women or young ladies but the term chicks has a hipp mysterious ring to it.

I started a new job a few weeks ago at a technology company and my eyes were opened to the majesty of geek chicks. They look just like other ladies but have a cerebral hotness that only the truly enlightened posses.

All of the women I have dated (all 2, plus the girl I stalked for a month) were what one might consider vixens. Curvy and always dressed as they were going to a photo shoot. Needless to say they were not the most healthy relationships and usually involved me listening to why I’m an asshole for and hour then she bitches for 2 hours.

Now that my younger days are over and I am a bit wiser my eyes have opened. You can spot a geek chick by a few signs that they all share. They usually have less make up than the vixens, not that its less attractive actually it is more so. They might wear glasses, sweet sweet glasses. They might have a t-shirt on that says things that you don’t readily understand, that’s hott ( I spell hot with two t’s to denote the extra hotness)!

I have found that the geek chicks are way more into learning about you and building a relationship founded on respect and mutual admiration. They can have a deep conversation about Plato or laugh at your lame joke about having a tribble in your pants. Whereas vixens are mostly about stripping you of material things then crushing your heart with a bony gnarled death grip and when your decrepit corpse is not able to spit out another hundred dollar bill or gold bangle they blow away your ashes with the exhaust from the Lincoln Navigator that you bought them.. Was that too jaded? I think I came off as hostile, oh well I digress.

So to you geek chicks I say welcome! You are a sweet change and I am sorry that I have overlooked you geeky beauty all of these years. I was remiss in overlooking you and that changes as of now.

Let the geeking begin!